Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Momma's home

MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae
BC: Bear Cat

Momma's home from the Cat Writer's Conference ... what do the cats think about her being home?

MK: {as she opens the front door} I'm SOOO excited to see my babies ...
{Momma and The Boy walk in the front door}
MK: HIIIIIIIIIIIIII! Momma's home from the Cat Writer's Conference! Where are my kittens!?!
{Silence}
MK: HELLO? 
{Silence}
MK: Bear? Ellie? Where are Momma's kittens?
{Momma narrows her eyes at The Boy}
MK: What did you do to them?
The Boy: WHAT?!?
MK: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. THEM.!?!
The Boy: Nothing! Why does everyone keep accusing me of that?
MK: Accusing you of what?
The Boy: Bear was convinced that I did something to you.
MK: Awww. He missed me.
The Boy: Not "aww!" He threatened me!
MK: So what did you do to him?
The Boy: Nothing! They were out here ignoring me when I left to pick you up! I swear!
MK: Where are my cats?
The Boy: I didn't do anything to them! Not that I wasn't tempted at times ... Did you know Bear woke me up one night just to threaten me by sitting on my chest and glaring at me? Then the cats started all this monkey business! They fought OVER me!
MK: Awww! They fought over you because they love you!
The Boy: NO! They literally fought OVER ... as in ... ON TOP of me. I couldn't sleep with all the "MROW"s and hisses! I've barely slept in DAYS. There was always SOMETHING.
MK: Huh. I slept well. For once.
The Boy: Because you weren't here with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. I need a vacation. Two words. SENSITIVITY TRAINING.
BC: {from the other room} You think you can be trained to be sensitive to our needs?!

The Boy: I meant for you and Ellie to be sensitive to MY feelings and needs.
BC: {still from the other room} Phht. Like THAT would happen. We train you.
The Boy: You mean like how you ride roughshod all over your Momma. She never complains. She just lets you be your dictatorial and ornery self.
MK: In his defense, he IS cute ...
BC: {still from the other room} Yeah, you're right. You can't be sensitive to our needs.
The Boy: "Sensitive to our needs." Is that what you call what you put your Momma through?
BC: I wear the stripe-y pants around here.
EM: And yes ... they make your butt look big.
BC: Shut up, Smellie! The Boy ... you're right!
The Boy: That's what I THOUGHT ...
BC: No sensitivity training for you. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
The Boy: HEY!
MK: BEAR! Come out and see me! Please come out from your window?! I want to pet you!
{Silence}
MK: {to The Boy} I'm sorry they didn't cut you any slack.
The Boy: That's ONE way of describing it.
BC: {still from the other room} We did cut you though!
The Boy: Yeah, I remember. LOOK! I'm going to have SCARS!
BC: {still from the other room} But we were supposed to cut you slack? What's that?

The Boy: He can't be serious.
{Pause}
The Boy: Touche. You two certainly have enforcement power.
BC: {from the other room} It's not MY fault you didn't stop when you were ahead.
The Boy: I WAS NEVER AHEAD!
BC: {from the other room} Huh. You're right. You bring up the rear and are an ass. Literally. Hahahahahaha. Now if you'll excuse me ...
{Pause}
BC: {from the other room} She's ONCE {lick} ... TWICE {lick lick} ... THREE TIMES a TORTIE {lick lick lick} ... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU! {lots of licking sounds}.
The Boy: What in the ...
MK: He's singing in the shower.

BC: {to the tune of "I'm a little teapot"} Smellie Belly pig out.
Short and stout.
There is her pig tail, there is her snout.
When she gets all steamed up she will shout ...
EM: BEAR, YOU JERK!!! I'LL TAKE YOU OUT.
BC: {from the other room} Hmph. Not exactly what I was thinking ... not bad ... I mean, it's a little violent ... but it gets your general ill-temper across.
EM: ILL TEMPER?!?! ILL TEMPER?!?! I'm not the one with the attitude problem. I put up with your nonsense for almost a year before I straightened you out.
BC: Phht. As long as everything is my way, I don't have an attitude.
EM: And YOU'RE complaining about violence? You beat up anything that doesn't move ... like facial tissue boxes!
BC: I AM the shark. I like a captive victim. I'm against violence toward me.
EM: Figures.
The Boy: {trying to change the subject} While you were gone, Ellie walked around mewing forlornly and looking for you.
EM: I did, Momma! I was looking for you because I like your lap the best.
The Boy: HEY! You told me you liked MY lap best!
EM: Well, yeah. When I'm in your lap, it's the best lap ever - otherwise Momma's lap is the best lap ever.
The Boy: After all I put up with when your Momma was gone?
EM: Phht. She puts up with Bear's nonsense ALL WEEK, ALL DAY. For twelve YEARS.
BC: {from the other room} HEY!
MK: Bear?! Come out!
{Silence}
MK: I saw you in the window! Come say hi!
{Silence}
MK: PLEASE come out! I missed you!
{Silence}
MK: Are you mad because I left you with the Dweeb ... I mean, The Boy and Smell ... err ... Ellie?
BC: {from the other room} HMPH.
MK: PLEASE?!
BC: {from the other room} SERVES YOU RIGHT! I'm not coming out EVER!

MK: Pretty PLEASE?
BC: PRETTY NO!
EM: YAY! I get Momma's lap all to myself! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!
{Ellie jumps in Momma's lap where she stay until wet food treat time.}
BC: {running to the kitchen when he hears the can of wet food open} I get to go first! I get to go first!
EM: Then you should've come out eight hours ago! I already told Momma everything!
BC: I was talking about being first to get wet food. Why?! What did Smellie tell you? Because I didn't do it! You tattled on me?! 
MK: I know. It was The Boy's fault.
The Boy: HEY! I didn't do anything!
BC: EXACTLY. We only got a wet food treat ONCE! In THREE nights! One word ... STARVATATION.
EM: I already told her.
BC: But ... but ... I'M the man of the house. I get first dibs on everything ... food, tattling, sharkiness ...

The Boy: I'M the man of the house ... 
EM: Tell Momma how I beat you ...
BC: Yeah, right. Anyway ...
{Pause}
BC: In three days, my IQ went down by twenty points!
EM: I don't think you can have a negative IQ ...
BC: Oh, shut ... DWEEBLE.
{A look of horror crosses Bear's face and his jaw drops}
BC: Oh, that's DWEEBLE just great. They rubbed off DWEEBLE on DWEEBLE me! I feel dirty ... used ... what DWEEBLE lady cat will want me DWEEBLE now?
EM: We ... are ... FAM-I-LY ...
BC: This is the WORST day of my entire life!
MK: You said that the day I left.
BC: I know!
MK: And then last week ... twice the week before ... all the way back to the vet and I thinking you were a girl. Remember? When I called you, "Lily?"
{Ellie snickers}
BC: {GASP} You DID NOT DWEEBLE DWEEBLE DWEEBLE DWEEBLE ... ARG!
EM: I'm not so sure he's not a girl now.

{Pause}
BC: You DID NOT tell the story of how you named me ... DWEEBLE! 
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I'm DWEEBLING! SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME?
The Boy: You should tell Momma just how much you missed her.
BC: I did! RIGHT in her favorite shoes!
MK: Wait a ... I thought I took them with me ... you must work ...
The Boy: BEAR! You barfed in MY shoes.
BC: Huh. Well, THAT'S a twist I didn't see coming. You see one big foot, you see them all.  To-may-toe. To-mah-toe. Either would be appropriate.
The Boy: I woke up to find him sitting on my chest. His look was very menacing. And his claw was in my belly button!
EM: You mean his look was FUNNY-LOOKING? I'd like to rearrange that face. Teach him a thing or two.
MK: Aww ... were you trying to get The Boy's attention?
BC: PHHT. If I wanted his attention, I would've sat eight inches lower.
The Boy: It still hurt!
BC: I have skillz. And claws. Lots of claws.
The Boy: You don't have to tell me!
{The cats eat their wet food ... then Bear jumps on the table next to where Momma works and waits to get Momma's attention}

BC: Cuddles. Or else.
MK: Always. Come on over, Bear.
BC: I wasn't exactly asking a question.
{Bear settles in Momma's lap}
MK: So you're glad I'm home?
BC: As hopeless as you are, The Boy is worse! And he doesn't even try to understand us!  He really should get that sensitivity training he mentioned.
The Boy: {from the other room} I MEANT FOR YOU!
BC: Sheesh. What's HIS problem? He acts like he hasn't slept for DAYS and I ran over his puppy.
The Boy: I HAVEN'T slept for days!!!
BC: Hmmm. Good point. But I didn't run over your puppy!
MK: Bear, you COULD be nice. He did feed you and scoop your litter box.
BC: Phht. He's not even fit to shovel my poop!
MK: Bear ...
BC: I missed you, Momma. You saved ... PURR ... my life and ... PURR ... no one is like you. I love ... PURRR ... you ... PURR ... Momma.
The Boy: {from the other room} Don't let him weasel out of this! He should be grounded for the rest of his nine lives!
MK: He's a Momma's boy! And he IS awfully cute ...

BC: PURRRRRRRRRRRR ... YEAH! ... PUURRRRR! ... I'm a MOMMA'S ... PURR ...BOY! 
The Boy: That not what I'd call it!
BC: So don't mother-meowing mess with me! My Momma will beat you up!
The Boy: She's an enabler ... all you have to do is let her give you a few ear rubs and then you purr and all's forgiven.
BC: My shark disagrees that all's forgiven. 
The Boy: Uh oh ...
BC: Now if you don't mind ... my Momma and I are having a moment.

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63 comments:

  1. Hmm, CWA? Is that the Cats Without Anthro help group? Sounds like your mom has being doing good works while she was away, Bear, finding humans to serve cats while have none of their own. Now as to sensitivity training for the Boy, I understand the Caribean Workers Association do short breaks, working holidays checking out sun cream factors, that could be of use?
    Toodle pips and purrs
    Erin

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    1. Ooops! excuse the typo, my work experience gardener was struggling to type with the gloves on.
      ERin

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    2. It would have been the butler who did it but I haven’t got one, Mol 😉

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    3. You should! Then again, you have Mrs H ... and a butler might not like her encroaching on his territory ;)

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    4. Great point, men are like that. I'll skip the butler thing, though I could maybe ask the kraken if she fancies a part time job? MOL

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  2. Bear you're TOTAL imp. You were spoiled and are played for sympathy!!

    For shame * giggle *

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    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... I'm pretty proud of myself if I might say so! ~Bear Cat

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  3. Can't fool me, I know it was a happy homecoming!!!

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  4. Bear, you really are a pile of mush under that tough-guy exterior...we ALL KNOW IT!

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  5. Bear, you are so happy to see your momma again. Now she can give you head and belly rubs all day long again. If I were you maybe a new toy for the happy homecoming. Thanks for the share. Have a great day.
    World of Animals

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    1. I WANT A TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN! Given the circumstances ... seems fair to me! ~Bear Cat

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    2. A whole chicken Bear. Lol. After a second thinking about it. It seems fair for you.

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  6. guyz...glad yur mom getted home final lee afturr 8 yeerz 727 dayz 73,091 minitz and a bazillion N one secondz......glad ewe gave yur dad de biznezz while mom waz gone 8 yeerz 727 dayz etc... N next time her leevez town for 8 yeerz etc.... her mite wanna leeve ewe de charge card just sew ewe can haz fun !! :) speekin oh fun hope her hada awesum time ! ☺☺♥♥

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    Replies
    1. Just wait until she gets the bill for the tasty whole chicken farm! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Awww, you were so happy to have your mom back home ! Purrs

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  8. Glad your mum is safely back with you. You are doing a good job with rule #1: Never let the humans know you missed them.

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  9. We hate it when our mom goes away. Dad is ok but mom plays with us better!

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  10. We know your glad your momma is home. Our mom had such a good time with her, and she's so happy she got to see her twice this year.

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    1. Momma's been very happy with that as well. And she felt less awkward ... so fewer things I have to apologize for! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Bear, you sing about me in the shower?!?!?! Mommy's favorite singer Conway makes her melt when she hears him sing that song, but I prefer your version any day!!! --Mudpie

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    Replies
    1. Err ... see, they told me that singing about you in the litter box was inappropriate ... ~Bear Cat

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  12. Oh for pete’s sake! All these comments, and not one person is at all concerned with the abuse to which I was subjected! It was horrid! I thought I might be killed any moment! The horror.....the horror.....the.....litter box.

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    Replies
    1. It sounds like the cats' drama wore off on you ;) No one out-dramas the masters though ;)

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  13. My mom could do with some writing skills tooooooo but I could not do w/o her. Ellie and Bear you are brave and the boy is good to you.
    Hugs Madi your bfffffff

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  14. Bear, we know you are glad to have the Mom home. You can't fool us. You all have a great rest of the week.

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    Replies
    1. Is is that obvious that I'm glad she's home? ~Bear Cat

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  15. AMARULA: Oh Bear! I must say that though I LOVE your rough-guy demeanor, I do also like to see this softer side of you cuddling with your mom! Naturally I would NEVER do such a thing but, still, you do look cute! And I agree that humans--not us cats-- should have sensitivity training!!

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    Replies
    1. I am soft at heart ... especially with the ladies ;) ~Bear Cat

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  16. A certain standoffishness IS required in moments like these, no matter how adequate the room service was in your mom's absence.

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  17. Hey Bear...your sensitive side is showing. ;)

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    1. I'm always sensitive when it comes to torties ;) ~Bear Cat

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  18. Bear, I always like it when your softer side wins out. It's important to keep the humans on their toes for a while, though.

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    Replies
    1. Just don't mistake my softer side for weakness ... just sayin'. ~Bear Cat

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  19. Hey, wait a minute, Bear. You sounds kinda sensitive...

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  20. BC: In three days, my IQ went down by twenty points!
    EM: I don't think you can have a negative IQ ...
    This part especially cracked me up! You are too funny, Momma Kat.
    I feel your pain, Mickey Mouser took 2 hour to come out of hiding when we got home from vacation.
    xxoo

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it :) These conversations go on almost constantly in my head. It's a treat when I get them all down!

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  21. Ellie, you sound a lot like Woodrow. He likes my lap best while he's in it, but then likes Ross' lap best when he's with him! All laps are the best to Woodrow! And apparently to you, too!

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    1. Woodrow must be a sweetheart just like me. The humans get all melty over that stuff! ~Ellie Mae

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  22. Love how you love and miss your momma, Bear!

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  23. Bear, yoo may have a hard outside, but yoo definitely have a soft chewy center. Purrs!
    Dori

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    Replies
    1. I do! I'm very delicate. Smellie would say for a tank ... but she's stupid! ~Bear Cat

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  24. They always play hard to get, just to make us mama's feel guilty. Soon enough they'll come around and be the Velcro pets we all know and love.

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  25. Bear, you don't fool me, I bet you melted like a pile of mush at your Mama's feet when she got home!

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    Replies
    1. No. I made her wait 8 hours this time! My suck-up sister couldn't help herself. HA! ~Bear Cat

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  26. Don't worry, Bear, we won't spread the word that you're really a great big softie on the inside.

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  27. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw We're glad your mommy's back home and all is right in the Bear Cat home again. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  28. Oh Bear, I bet you shrunk in size while your momma was gone from lack of daily moist noms! Tee hee hee. My dad says my mom is an enabler, too. Bah! Enabler shamabler! Blah! Dad and The Boy are just jealous, right?! They both need that sensitivity training.

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  29. We had more than one cat in the past that would get mad at us if we went away, and we would get the ignoring us treatment when we got home. That's probably why we ended up getting dogs! LOL
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

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    1. Momma likes doing everything the hard way ... thus cats ;)

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