Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and causing crimes exacerbated by proximity. This new series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat

{Momma's completely under the covers in bed ... The Boy's already up and left for work}
EM: Come on, Bear! It's MY turn!
BC: Buzz off!
EM: But Momma said ...
BC: Phht. You think I LISTEN to what Momma says?
EM: I do!
BC: Goody two shoes.
EM: But I don't wear shoes!
BC: Never mind.
EM: Come on, Bear! I want to side surf!
BC: Get your own person to side surf.
EM: But ... but ... the only other person here is Daddy! And he's at work!
BC: See? You made your bed.
EM: I don't have a bed! And Momma makes the beds!
BC: STOP TAKING EVERYTHING I SAY LITERALLY.
EM: Should I take that literally?
BC: NO!
{Pause}
BC: YES!
{Pause}
BC: Err ...
EM: Daddy doesn't sleep on his side. And he's ... well, Daddy!
BC: Too bad. So sad.
EM: Momma said we're supposed to share!
MK: No. What Momma said was no side surfing!
EM: Hmmm ... she did say that ... Bear ... you're a BAD example.
BC: When you're so bad you're right.
MK: Bear ...
BC: I KNEW IT! She's awake! Pet me Momma!

MK: Why do I get the feeling all of that was just an effort to find out if I was really asleep or not.
EM: Pet me!
BC: I was here first! Pet me!
EM: But you always go first!
BC: We need to find her breathe-y hole!
MK: Come on, you two! I'm tired! The sheets are over my head for a reason.
EM: Are you scared? Because when I get scared I hide!
MK: No ...
BC: You've been laying here for several hours! Clearly you slept!
EM: There's no reason to be scared Momma! Bear and I ... err ... I will protect you.
MK: I slept? I keep being woken up by two cats.
EM: There are other cats around here? I don't see any! What do they look like? Are they going to steal my laps or my sparkle balls? Because I like laps and sparkle balls and I don't want to share.
BC: Found the breathe-y hole!
MK: OWWWWW! That's my nose. Get your claw out of my nose.
BC: You're welcome. Now pet me.
MK: Then you have to stop side surfing.
BC: But I wasn't side surfing!
EM: It sure looked like it to ...
BC: Will you just SHUT UP? I was playing king of the mountain!
EM: It looks a lot like side ...
BC: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Oh, dear kitty gods ... she is just too stupid to bear!

EM: But I'm not Bear! I'm Ellie! And I don't think there is a such thing as you being too stupid. I mean, you do pretty good ...
BC: SHUT UP!
EM: Don't tell me to shut up! YOU shut up! I'm tired of you always telling me to shut up. You're the stupid one.
BC: Oh, you DID NOT just go there.
EM: What are you talking about? I didn't go anywhere! I'm right here!
BC: I can't work with ... THIS!
EM: But you don't work!
BC: You're beyond help.
EM: HMPH! There's always the chance that I'll wake up tomorrow and be helped ... but you have no chance of being anything but a jerk face!
BC: I'll help you ... right upside the head!
EM: OWWW!
MK: Can you two take this somewhere else?
EM: But we want to be around you!
MK: Can you two manage that QUIETLY?
BC: Hahahahahahaha. Like she doesn't KNOW us.
MK: I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!
BC: No one's keeping you awake!
EM: Oh! I get to side surf! I get to side surf!
MK: Remember? I said no side surfing.
EM: Awwww. But Bear ....
MK: If Bear jumped off a bridge, would you follow him?
EM: Phht. Of course not! I'd be there to push him!
BC: Not if I pushed you first!
EM: Bear IS stupid enough to jump off a bridge though.
BC: Phht. How else would one catch a tasty whole chicken?
EM: You're a non-tasty whole @$$!
MK: And I ask this again ... can you two do this somewhere else?
BC: Why?
MK: Never mind. I should've known better. 
{Momma walks into the family room, lays down on the couch and covers up}
BC: {AHEM}.
MK: {turning toward the sound to find Bear staring at her from the edge of the couch} AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
BC: You don't look so great yourself! You accidentally stick your paw ... err ... hand in the socket again?
MK: I just want to sleep!
BC: After you pet me.
MK: FINE!
EM: OH! Me too! Me too!
BC: Copy cat.
EM: DUMB cat!
BC: I suggest you take that back.
EM: I suggest you jump off a bridge!
MK: {AHEM} How is it that I'm up all day and you two sleep - and at night when I want to sleep, you're all over me?
BC: Duh. We sleep during the day because we're crawling over you all night.
EM: Well, not ALL night.
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I told you that was a ... Hi, Momma!
MK: What's she talking about?
BC: I don't know! It's not like we're doing ...
EM: BEAR!
BC: Nuts! Momma's are tricky.
MK: Is this why I get up in the morning and find your cat beds tossed all over the room and a bunch of other stuff knocked over?
BC: Err ... is that a trick question? 
MK: Bear?
BC: WHAT?! I didn't do it! That's Miss Earthquake here. She gets so into playing with her sparkle balls that she could rearrange the furniture. Feel the earth move ... under her feet.
EM: HA! I don't HAVE feet! I have PAWS!
BC: Paws! Whatever! You know what I meant! Wherever you go, it shakes the ground like a herd of elephants.
EM: Hmph. I'm HUNTING. I've only killed my green sparkle ball 792,902,002 times!
BC: Phht. First rule of violence ... 
EM: Don't talk about violence?

BC: NO! Don't talk about it ... must I explain EVERYTHING? How do you think I keep my micey in line? HELLO. Threats of violence. First rule of violence is get it all out of the way. No point in prolonging it. 
EM: Oh. So THAT'S why you try to beat me up? Getting it out of the way?
BC: That's not entirely fair. You're the size of a hippo and a rhino and and you're just fun to mess with.
EM: I REALLY wish there was a bridge around here.
BC: Phht. If you're hunting tasty whole chickens, my money's on the chickens.
EM: But you don't have any money.
BC: OH, SHUT UP! I can't think with all your yammering!
EM: But I'm not always yammering and you don't think any better then.
BC: You never shut up!
EM: And you never think!
BC: Then shut up!
EM: Then think!
BC: I can't!
MK: What I've been hypothesizing for years!
BC: I didn't ask you!
MK: I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!
BC: No one's stopping you!
MK: I can't fall asleep with all this racket and you two vying for attention. 
BC: Hmph. Now you know what's it's like for us when you talk and laugh and do stuff during the day when we're trying to sleep.
MK: I left the bedroom and you both followed me!
BC: Hmph. I don't FOLLOW anyone. I do what I want when I want. Follow? Phht. Like I'm a dog. Or Smellie.
EM: I follow Momma because I love her. 
BC: Dog-like.
EM: I'd rather be dog-like than Bear-like!
BC: That's your problem, not mine. Besides, NOT surprising. You BEGGED Momma and The Boy to be a dog last week!

EM: You promised to never bring that up!
BC: Too bad. So sad. Let's see ... what about the time you thought you were a dolphin and jumped in the toilet?
EM: BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME I WAS A DOLPHIN!
BC: And ...
EM: Do you really want to keep this up? Because I have enough dirt on you to fill the Grand Canyon several times over.
BC: I have no idea what dirt you could have ...
EM: Rolling your shark bed down the hall? No! When you flipped your carrier in the car! Then there's the time you ran into the wall ...
BC: I keep forgetting. Women never shut up. And they have long memories.
MK: Can I sleep now? Or are you two going to keep up this howling? Ellie, lay down. And Bear ... go to your shelf!
BC: What if I don't WANT to ... I want to be ON THE RECORD as saying I OBJECT to this ...{seeing Momma's face} ... err ... my shelf it is.
EM: Hmph. I'm going to sleep in my cat bed.

BC: I think you mean MY cat bed.
EM: Nope. I'm pretty sure it's mine.

BC: I'll come show you ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Err ... after my nap. But right now, I'm going to sleep on my shelf ... quietly.
EM: Like that's going to last long!
BC: Do you ever SHUT UP?
MK: Oh, for the ... I could ask the same question!
BC: Err ... sorry, Momma.
{Light snoring from Ellie in her bed}
BC: Oh, great! Now I have to listen to THAT! As if YOUR snoring is bad enough!
MK: No problem. You two stay out here and I'll sleep in the bedroom.
BC: But I want to be close to you!
MK: I thought I snored too loud.
BC: Err ... never mind.
{Momma walks back to the bedroom, considers closing the door and then decides not to because when she gets to sleep, she likes her kittens with her ... usually}
BC: *&^# this @*&!
EM: HEY! I was sleeping! STOP LICKING ME!
BC: Will you stop squirming? I'm trying to love you!
EM: Oh. Love? You ... LOVE me?
BC: You're in my bed.
EM: STOP. LICKING. ME!
BC: Stop resisting.
EM: Stop trying to steal my bed!
BC: Hmph. YOUR bed has MY butt print.
EM: It does not!
BC: Get out and I'll show you!
EM: I'm not going to fall for ...
{Pause}
EM: HEY! Get your tongue out of my ear!
BC: Move.
EM: You don't love me! You're just licking me so I'll move!
BC: Can't get anything past this one! Well, except the dolphin thing ... being adopted ... Momma sleeping upside down in the closet ... bite club ...
EM: {jumping out of the bed} YOU'RE A JERK!

BC: Yeah. Yeah. Don't mind if I do. Beauty rest time. Although ... my bed now smells like ... like ... SMELLIE! Smellie cooties! Smellie cooties! SMOOTIES! Hahahahahaha.
EM: MOMMA!
BC: Nice try. She has her ear plugs in. So ...

EM: I HATE YOU!
BC: {getting into the bed} That's what I thought. MY bed.

EM: FINE! I'm going to snuggle with Momma! You're not invited!
BC: RATS!
{Pause}
BC: {settling into the bed} Tired. Comfy. Don't want to move. Warm. Nice ... bed ... Sleeeeeeeppy. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.



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37 comments:

  1. That does look like a comfy bed Bear. Good job getting Ellie to move. Hope the Mom finally got some sleep. Have a wonderful day.

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    Replies
    1. It is! Though Smellie makes sure it smells like her! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Oh, as you know we have lots of beds so we can avoid the battle of the beds Bear!

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    Replies
    1. There's never a fight over one bed?!? You don't know what you're missing!

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  3. MOL MOL that is truly a bed and breakfast for kitties and I love your wall highway.
    Lucky Duckies is what you two are!
    Hugs Cecilia

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  4. dood...yur slippin, yur sisturr called ewe a whole @$$ N ya dinna come bak...tho yur mom DID
    interuptz yur trane oh thought~~~~~ sew we can see why......rememburr that tho ;) ☺☺♥♥

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  5. It must be a nightmare trying to get some sleep with you two carrying on at each other! you are lucky your momma loves you both so much.

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  6. Thanks for sharing. Just remember to always share the bed with each other. Hopefully, that will work for about two minutes we guess. It does look like a comfy bed. Have a great day.
    World of Animals

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    Replies
    1. But there's not enough room for both of us! Yellie's too value-sized! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Bear, at least you only have one set of cooties to deal with. Think about all the cooties flying around in this house! Some might say you're lucky.

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  8. Replies
    1. And Bear isn't thankful that Mudpie's not his sister ;) Err ...

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  9. AMARULA: Bear! I know how you feel Frodo is covered in cooties! And I often say "Oh, dear kitty gods ... she is just too stupid to bear!"

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  10. Those are nice shelves. I think you 2 need to gang together and take over the humans' bed. Thank you to your Momma for the kind words she left on my blog for the loss of Tallulah. XO

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    Replies
    1. No thanks required - Momma just wishes she could do more than share a few words.

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  11. My only quarrel is the size of the bed I share with Mrs H. It needs to be way bigger, or Mrs H way smaller–though not mouse size as she couldn't make my meals if she was ;)
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Do they have people shrinkers? And would it work on a fur-sib? Just asking. For a friend and all. ~Bear Cat

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    2. I think they must do as they make machines to shrink their clothes aka a washer dryer. ;)
      ER

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  12. Mom said if I had a sisfur or brofur, she'd just move out and leave us to it. (hopefully coming back twice a day to feed us and hose down the facilities)! She said I am opinionated enough for 5 cats!

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    Replies
    1. My Momma used to say that I had an excess of personality! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Well, Lexy gets all the beds around here. And that's only because I don't sleep in cat beds. I only sleep in the human bed.

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  14. Gosh, we have no idea why Momma might be sleep-deprived!!

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  15. Yeah, brofurs can definitely be jerks sometimes. Ellie, you looked so cute in your bed.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Well, before I was rudely interrupted! ~Ellie Mae

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  16. Bear, Ellie, ya'll should count your blessings and give your mommy a whole weeks worth of sleep ins. Cuz let me tell ya', mommy wouldn't stand fur fur us actin' like that. When mommy sleeps, the whole house sleeps. MOL Hope ya'll are stayin' warm. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  17. Law of averages. Whatever the pet wants, the parent wants the opposite. And vice versa. *Sigh* It's just like having a baby, there'll never be enough sleep with a baby or a pet.

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  18. I bet you two have loads of fun at night! I don't know why your momma would want to sleep at night and miss all the action! Tee hee hee.

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