Bear schools Momma

The Boy's left for work and Momma's sorting through the water-damaged boxes when she's reminded of a blast from the [long ago] past. Add sibling spats and Bear staking out the front door and it's clear that Momma isn't the one in charge around here.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

The Boy: I'm leaving for work. Bye, BuddyBear.
The Boy: Okay! okay! Bye BabyGirl!
EM: NO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Daddy's trying to eat me! He's going to eat me!
The Boy: Okay. I'll just go.
BC: Don't let the door hit you in the ...
{Pause as The Boy opens the front door}
MK: {AHEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}
The Boy: What's wrong?
MK: Have a good day!
The Boy: Oh. I love you, Kat.
{The front door closes}
BC: Did he just forget to say bye to you after saying goodbye to his cats?

{Fifteen minutes pass}

MK: {walking into the room} Ellie, have you seen Bear?
EM: Define seen.
MK: Do you know where he is?
EM: You told me if I don't have anything nice to say ...
MK: How's that an answer to ... you're not making any sense!
BC: {by the front door} What else is new? Phht. Women. Her problem isn't my fault.
EM: I was on it! That's not a lie!
BC: NO! I'd never use such a sissy device.
EM: Who are you calling a sissy?
MK: Bear, what are you doing by the front door?
BC: It's classified. If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Not that I'd mind ...

MK: It looks like you're waiting for The Boy to come back inside.BC: Phht. I'm guarding the front door so he CAN'T get in.
MK: He left for work! He won't be gone just a few minutes.
BC: Are you sure?
BC: Ah, what?
MK: What?
EM: You both were ah-ing - I thought it was a thing! I don't want to be left out!
MK: You're waiting by the front door because The Boy left and you thought he'd come back in a few minutes. You're waiting for The Boy!
BC: It's not like I'm GLAD he'd come back inside. He's dumb and slow. If I want to get outside, I have to do it while he's at the door.
MK: Bear!
BC: Oh wait! Did I say that out loud?
MK: Have you ever considered that the whole reason you can't get outside with me is that I've spent enough time chasing you in circles on the front porch - and trying to get you out from behind the rose bush?
BC: No. Not that I'm confessing ...

EM: Last time, Momma was bleeding all over the place! Thorns hurt!
BC: So you know what it's like to have you up my butt.
MK: WAIT! No. That time Bear was the one scratching me up.
EM: Yeah! Because you had to drag him out from behind the rose bush!
MK: No. His claws did that.
BC: YEAH! My claws are worse than any thorns. I'm not sorry. 
MK: I'd be disappointed if you were.
EM: SEE?!?! Don't you think that just encourages him?
BC: Like I need something petty like encouragement. That's for sissies.
EM: That you don't get in trouble for going outside and being a jerk to Momma ... that doesn't make you more likely to do it the next time?
BC: Phht. I always get in trouble. If it wasn't for escape, it'd be something else. Some Momma needs therapy for persecuting cute little kitty cats. She's always blaming me for everything.
EM: Isn't that because you DO just about everything?
{Silence as Bear considers this}

MK: I'm going back to sorting through all the water damaged papers and stuff.
{A few minutes pass}
MK: {in a sing song voice} 🎶🎶🎶 Jack-@$$! 🎶 Jack-@$$!!! 🎶 Jack-@$$ 🎶🎶🎶 ...
BC: {looking around} Erm ... you do realize The Boy left.
MK: What?
BC: You keep saying his name!
MK: No, I'm not!
BC: You're right. That's what I call him.
MK: {in a sing song voice} Jack-@$$!
BC: I'm starting to worry. Is that some kind of neurotic tic? Have you finally lost your last marble?

EM: Phht. If Momma lost her last marble, you stole it for your collection.
MK: Haha.
EM: And I mean that literally AND figuratively.
BC: Oh, shut up!
EM: Maybe she's talking about you?
BC: Why would she call me a jack-@$$?
EM: Do you need a map?
BC: Okay. Okay. You have a point.
EM: I call you a jack@$$ all the time!
BC: I GET IT! You don't have to back over the dead horse.
EM: Oh, no! Where's the dead horse? I didn't mean to hurt him! Do you know horse CPQ?
BC: CPR!!! CPR!!! Not Q! R!
EM: Are what?
BC: It's not CPQ! It's CPR!
EM: Well, how was I supposed to know it was different for horses?
BC: What?
EM: The whole reason I asked about horse CPQ is because I don't know anything about it! If it's called CPR in horses, how would I know?

BC: But ...
EM: So horse CPQ is called CPR?
MK: {in a sing song voice as she walks down the hall} Jack-@$$!
BC: Will you knock that off! Only crazy people walk around talking to themselves.
EM: But you ...
MK: It still just really burns my biscuit. He was an anthropology professor and he wanted us to have understanding of other cultures, but he couldn't give the same consideration to Christianity. He told lie after lie and I called him on it!
MK: Well, I usually don't think about it, but with the closet flooding, I had to pull out all the wet boxes and go through them, tossing the worst stuff. I just got started really tossing stuff. Looking at the papers from his class ...
BC: How did he feel about cats?

MK: I don't know! We just weren't going to get along from the beginning. He told lies about Christianity to the other students. Most of the class fell all over him, claiming they believed, and would reconsider. It just made me so mad! If I'd made untrue comments about any of the cultures we studied, he would've flipped out. I didn't bash his fertility goddess. I respect other people and what they believe. That's up to them. But to use the office of a professor - of authority - in a crusade against Christianity, is just wrong.
BC: I'm sorry I asked.
MK: He and I just had a severe difference of opinion on Christianity, ethics, and teaching practices.
BC: Severe difference ... he's the one that gave you a B?
MK: HEY! I had a ninety-five average on several tests and a paper - but on the subjective parts of the grade he had power over, all of a sudden, I got knocked down to an eighty-three. He got mad at me challenging him and overrode the grade I earned and flunked me on participation and other vague parts of the grade.
BC: Now I'm REALLY sorry I asked.

MK: Over all, I have the equivalent credits of over six years of study and classes. And his class was the ONLY one where I got a B. Even worse, I didn't really even see it coming.
{Snoring ....}
BC: WHAT? I didn't do it! I swear!
MK: You fell asleep while I was talking!
BC: Like THAT never happens. You woke me up for that? GET OVER IT! It was over twenty years ago!
MK: Hmph. Well I ... he ... GRRRRR!
BC: See?! If you had a life, stuff like that wouldn't matter anymore. Oh, and by the way, no one likes a Nerdy McNerdy.
EM: Does Nerdy have a lap? Because I would like him or her.
BC: This from the cat that eats random stuff off the floor. Taste is not your forte.
EM: What does that even mean? Where's Fort Tasty?
BC: Intelligence is not your forte either. FORTE or one's skill.
EM: Oh, yeah? Being decent to others is not your forte!
BC: {sigh}.
EM: Being a jerk is your forte! Being a pain in the butt is your forte! Being mean is your forte! Being ... being ... YOU is your forte.

BC: Profound. Being annoying is your forte. Being stupid is your forte. Being a suck-up ... can you guess?
EM: Being a suck-up? Why do you play all these games. Just tell me what being a suck-up entails instead of making me guess.
BC: I'm surrounded by weirdos! We've got Nerdy McNerdy, Dummy McDumb ... and who can forget Dumbnuts McDumbnuts?
EM: Who?
EM: HEY! My Momma isn't a dumbnuts!
BC: No, see, that's just a phrase. When someone insults you you say, "Yo' Momma!"
EM: My Daddy on the other hand ... err ... paw ...
EM: Are you nice to anyone?
BC: Well, see, I give Momma a certain number of minutes of pre-authorized petting time. Well, unless she ticks me off. Then it costs her an arm and a leg. Hahahaha.
EM: As long as taking her leg doesn't mean I lose my lap.
BC: Phht. Like I'd be dumb enough to take that away. If you're not occupied, then you'd bug me more than you already do.
EM: But I'm NOT an octopus!

BC: NO! OCCUPIED. When one's attention is focused on something in particular. Occupied. Octopus. Octopi.  Though you are pretty similar to an octopus. You have paws everywhere to block stuff like Momma brushing your teeth and the vet trying to listen to your heart or check your nose. And since you're value-sized ... octopi isn't too far off.
EM: Now listen here you piece of ...
MK: BEAR! Stop irritating your sister and upsetting her!
BC: Your fancy book learning finally paid off.
MK: Wait ... what?
BC: You saw me irritating Smellie on purpose.
MK: It was obvious!
BC: Exactly. So what classes did you take? Litter box management 101? Cat care 103? How to be ruled by your cat 205?
MK: Ummm ... no.
BC: How to be ruled by your cat 106?

MK: Ummm ...
BC: WHAT?!?! You mean I got an uneducated dope with no experience? I never should've let you adopt me!
MK: Not that again! You were HOMELESS. And STARVING.
BC: Oh, I see how it is. I'm homeless and starving so I don't deserve basic rights? What kind of stupid classes do you take at human school? How to be annoying? Dumb@$$ 101? You certainly didn't take math!
MK: What are you talking about?
BC: You can't tell the difference between a full food bowl and an empty one. What are they teaching kids these days? Your education is sorely lacking. Phht. You got A's in people nonsense! How does that help me?

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
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  1. Nonsense is plentiful in our neck of the woods Bear so keep it up pal!

    1. What?! We can't imagine any kitty at your house would be involved in nonsense!

  2. MOL @ "I'm not an Octopus"

    Always a fun adventure at your house.

    The Florida Furkids

    1. You should see Ellie when Momma's trying to brush her teeth ... paws everywhere! I know she only has four ... but it seems more like eight! ~Bear Cat

  3. dood.....we gotta sorta kinda stix up for mom.. coz frank lee, at skewl, we epic failed everee thing...but...

    LUNCH BRAKE ~~~ ☺☺♥♥

    hope her getz all that sortin done ~~~~

    1. She spends time sorting and I end up lapless! Do you know how hard it is to survive without a lap to plant one's self?! ~Ellie Mae

  4. I can see why your momma still gets worked up over that professor. Indoctrination in schools is just wrong and it's getting worse all the time.

    1. And Momma's more conservative and more stubborn than most ;)

  5. What? Momma Kat didn't take any cat classes at college? Clearly she didn't see her future.... :)

    1. I KNOW! And humans wonder why we get so upset! ~Bear Cat

  6. AMARULA: Bear! I see you and I share the exact same philosophy when it comes to letting humans pet us- "I give Momma a certain number of minutes of pre-authorized petting time. Well, unless she ticks me off. Then it costs her an arm and a leg"

  7. Sheesh. They need to start offering more cat related classes to humans.

    1. I KNOW! And humans wonder why we get so upset! ~Bear Cat

  8. I was just thinking about some of the teachers that I've had in the past. Yes, they have a college education but it doesn't mean they are smart. I hate when they ding your grade because you dared to have a different opinion. Bear, keep sitting by the door. I'm sure Ellie Mae will enjoy the uninterrupted time to spend on Momma's lap (she will have to take a break from cleaning sooner or later).

    1. That's the funny thing. In high school and most of college, the teachers respected those of us who differed in opinion (I remember an essay I wrote about Hamlet being a terrible play and it made my grade). For this guy though, it was really threatening. I know it's his stuff - but to be in a position like that to influence learners? I just pray those people eventually realized he didn't know everything.

  9. Your mama is brave to go through her old class papers. I can't even imagine how different I am these days. And if it makes her feel any better, I had a jerk professor who screwed me over on a grade too. They seem to be everywhere but now I just look at him and think he made me understand life better, even if he was a real douche.

  10. Tell your mom to forget about silly humans from her past. My mum has had to do that and she feels so much better for it :)

    1. Makes logical sense ... but it's not always easy to accomplish. I'm definitely getting better about stuff like that.

  11. Mom remembers getting very discouraged in one of her art classes, 'cause the professor favored students that created contemporary art and graded her low for creating something traditional. She thinks he was smoking something. Tee hee hee.

  12. Well Bear...we all know cats have staff and that staff must be held accountable
    Hugs Cecilia

  13. My philosophy professor refused to call on me, so I stopped putting my hand up. He had his disciples, and there were a handful of us who were completely ignored. Very disheartening, and a lot was so far over my head...

    1. That's frustrating. I mean, isn't philosophy about the discussion of ideas?! Just like the anthropology class I took is about tolerance and understanding all cultures (but Christianity anyway).

  14. Bear, I bet you think all humans could benefit from taking some cat classes. I'd actually love to see that added to the curriculum!

    1. I'm all for it! As long as incompetents like my Momma get with the program! ~Bear Cat

  15. That professor sounds awful. Just reading about him makes me angry.

  16. Oh awnty Kat, we are so purroud of you fur standin' up fur Christiantity. Mommy had a few purrfessors like that too. She argued with one 'bout the authority of the Bible when it came to Christiantity. The purrfessor actually said it wasn't an authjoritative work. Mommy couldn't believe her ears. And, she still gets worked up over things that happened way back when, so you're not alone. Sorry 'bout the flood damage, we're all too furmiliar with that. Ifin ya' need help or to talk or vent, just holler. Mommy said a human conversation would be a nice break from all the stress. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    1. Because of my parents, hypocrisy is just the one thing I have the most trouble tolerating. No one's perfect, but when you plead for understanding of other cultures, you better extend that same courtesy to my own.


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