Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Outdoor adventures [and misadventures]

Bear's outside doing who knows what - and Momma and Ellie speculate on what he might be doing. In the end, another of Bear's secrets is revealed and the rest of the household is just a bit too happy to keep Bear from forgetting these indignities. 

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance

The Boy: I'm going to bed. Where's Bear? I want to say good night to him.
MK: He ran outside when I went out to get the mail.
The Boy: For so long he didn't do that anymore and then all of a sudden, it's like every time the door opens, he's angling to get out.
MK: Your guess is as good as mine. The day I understand that cat is the day I start licking my butt and batting at string. Maybe he's feeling better? 
The Boy: Good night.
MK: Sleep well.
EM: {by the open door} Momma? Why does Bear like to go outside?
MK: I have no idea. You'd have to ask him.
EM: What does he do out there?
MK: No idea. He usually just eats grass and sniffs around.
EM: But his food bowls are in here, his toys are in here, and our litter box is in here ... why would he want to go outside?
MK: To prove he can get past me? I don't exactly LET him out.
EM: That makes no sense!
MK: Tell me about it.
EM: He goes outside JUST to show you that he can get outside if he wants?

MK: Pretty much. I used to chase him in circles on the front porch trying to catch him to bring inside and then I realized I was giving him what he wanted. So now I pretend to be chill and not care. Of course, then he has to prove he doesn't need inside by sitting outside for as long as he can.
EM: I could show Bear that I can hand him his butt on a platter ... I could show Bear I can eat a whole bowl of kibble at one time ... I can show you my ferocity by ripping up the carpet ... but what's fun about any of that? All that would just make me a jerk.
MK: You're asking the wrong person.
EM: There's a person that knows? Who?
MK: Err ... make that you have to ask Bear.
EM: I'd never go outside willingly! Though I sometimes kind of wonder what's on the other side of the door. 
MK: Bear actually lived on the street for about eight months before I adopted him.
EM: Whoa. The street is not a comfortable place to be!
MK: That's what I thought.
EM: I mean ... why lay on the concrete of the street when you can lay in the shade in the grass? What was he trying to prove by doing that? That he could get run over?
MK: Conversations with you and Bear are frustrating for different reasons.
EM: But I'm a good girl!
MK: That's true. You don't MEAN to be a jerk ... you just require a little extra time to process.
EM: It's not my fault I'm constipated!
MK: Huh?
EM: You said I require a little extra time to process. You meant my food, right?

MK: I'm sorry I asked. Bear pretty much means to be a jerk.
EM: He's good at it!
MK: I wasn't sure a free-wheeling tom could adjust to indoor life.
EM: Tom? He had a friend named Tom?
MK: I'm talking about Bear!
EM: So his name was originally Tom?
MK: Oh, for ... moving on ... other than the occasional mini-escape, you'd never know about his past on the street.
EM: Wait ... since he lived on the street, are his stripes actually tire tracks?
MK: Ugh. {opening the screen door} BEAR! Inside!
{Silence}
MK: BEAR!
{Silence}
EM: Maybe you should call him Tom? Would that get his attention?
MK: {walking outside} Son of a ... BEAR!
BC: I'm not outside!
MK: Said from the dark corner of the porch! BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: There's no one out here with that name.
MK: So help me ... GET INSIDE!
BC: I'm busy!
MK: THAT'S IT! I'm turning on the porch light.
BC: HEY! Turn that off! I'm BUSY!

MK: You're just laying on the porch! You haven't moved in twenty minutes!
BC: You wouldn't understand.
MK: No. I don't think YOU understand. GET INSIDE!
BC: {running off into the dark of the side yard} OVER MY DEAD BODY!
MK: You little ... come back here!
BC: Your porch light's not so great now, is it? It's dark over here!
MK: {walking back inside} That's it.
BC: That's RIGHT! Take that! I won. I always win. But somehow she keeps expecting ...
{Pause}
BC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The flashlight!
MK: Okay, Smarty-pants. Get inside!
BC: Oh! I'm in the spotlight! I like this!
MK: You're running the wrong direction!
BC: I'm not done. I'm checking stuff out.

MK: Oh, YES, you are done. There's only so far you can run! Our yard is surrounded by a retaining wall. That's the only reason you're allowed out here.
BC: Hmm. This looks like a good spot to take a rest. Get that flashlight out of my eyes!

{Pause}
BC: HIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
MK: Do I have to pick you up and carry you inside?
BC: Do I have to remove your arms from your body? Or wake you up every five minutes for the next year?
{Pause}
BC: WAIT! WAIT! Put me down! Do you know how this looks? I need to be CARRIED inside by my Momma? My street cred is in the toilet already thanks to you!
MK: OWWW!
BC: PUT. ME. DOWN!
MK: Son of a ... that HURTS, Bear!
BC: Apparently not enough. This is what happens when you mess with Bear Cat! That's right! BRING IT, WOMAN!
MK: Bear, no one is watching.
BC: How do you know that? You might not be able to see them! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
MK: OW! You bit me! AGAIN! Fine. {putting Bear down} Now get inside!
BC: That'll teach you to mess with me! HA!
MK: Okay, Mr. Tough Pants, GET INSIDE!
BC: I'll go in when I'm good and ...

{Pause}
BC: HEY! Put me down! I hate you! I hate outside! I hate Smellie! I hate ... I hate ... stuff! I'm going to make you all sorry!!!
{Momma closes the front door}
BC: {AHEM!}
EM: Err ... Momma? I think Bear's about to barf up some grass again.
BC: Aren't you forgetting something, Momma?
MK: No. You only get treats when you come willingly.
BC: Will you let me back out so we can try this again?
MK: No.
BC: RATS!
EM: Bear, being outside sucks. Why would you want to be outside? I was outside when the animal control people found me!
BC: Phht. Animal control wouldn't have gotten anywhere near me! You probably tried to make friends with them!
EM: One can never have too many friends.
MK: Bear, you spent the first eight months of your life hiding under a deck. Not many people could've gotten you out.
EM: I thought he lived on the street!
BC: Phht. Under that deck was my tom cat pad.
EM: So your name was Tom then?
BC: NO! I was a tom cat! I was a ladies man.

EM: You had lady cats over?
BC: Phht. OBVIOUSLY. I had lady cats over and under and every way in between. Right now, scads of kittens are running around out there with my genetic superiority. 
MK: You were HIDING!
BC: Momma thinks I was hiding ... but I was getting my tom on with the ladies.
MK: In your imagination! All the times I saw other cats get near you, you hid behind me!
BC: Err ... I did that for THEIR protection!
EM: Hahaha. He STILL hides behind Momma when he gets scared.
BC: Phht. I'm not HIDING. It's just smart. Next to a target her size, I'm not very appealing to those who might try to eat me. They always go for the large and dumb ones first. Like you, Smellie.
EM: That's smart! Teach me your ways, oh Great One!
MK: Oh no! One Bear is enough!
BC: You got that right! Feel free to say that next time you're carrying me inside!
EM: {giggling} Hahahahaha. Oh, Great One!
BC: Yes?
EM: Momma! My practice is paying off! I got that out with a straight face!
BC: Very funny. Suit yourself and bask in your mediocrity.

EM: At least my full name on my vet records isn't Pooh Bear.
BC: SHHHHHHH!!!! Curse the big mouth in this household.
EM: You've had a lot of names. Tom, Pooh Bear ... Lily. Wasn't that what Momma named you first?
BC: Woman, are you telling me you told her ALL my secrets?
MK: Oops.
BC: It isn't MY fault Momma can't tell a virile tom from a weak chick. I mean, she's with The Boy! What more proof do you need?
MK: The vet didn't catch it either until she took you back to do an ultrasound because she thought you were pregnant.
EM: Bear was pregnant? Hahahahaha.
BC: Oh, yeah, Chuckles. I'm so much man I can procreate on my own.
EM: Not anymore.
BC: HEY! My missing balls are a sore subject.
EM: How can they be sore if you don't have them?
BC: How could anyone mistake ME, a virile and uber-masculine bad-@$$ for a girl?
EM: I thought you were a girl cat for the first few weeks I lived here.
BC: Because I treated you like the lady you are not. I'll whip my business out right now if you want to see it!
MK: Please don't.
BC: That's right!
MK: She'll never stop laughing!
BC: WHAT?!?! Insulting a dude's size? That's just rude!
EM: Phht.

BC: WHAT?!?!
EM: It was fairly obvious you were a boy when we combined litter boxes. It's kind of easy to spot boy-ness in the litter box.
BC: And you were impressed with my size?
EM: No. More like impressed with your lack of aim. You don't cover your business and you pee all over the litter box! Gross.
BC: That's right. I'm a man cat. I burp. I fart. I scratch my ... err ... bad example.
EM: So what was it like being pregnant?
BC: OH, SHUT UP!
EM: Whatever you say ... POOH BEAR.
{Momma laughs}
BC: This is all YOUR fault! Thanks for ruining my life again! This is the worst day ever!
MK: You said that yesterday.
BC: You two women just can't keep your mouths shut, can you? Keep busting my ba ... err ... bad example ... just ... STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! Isn't it bad enough that I have a stupid, smelly sister and a Momma with a mouth big enough to rival her other end?
MK: We love you, Bear.
EM: Err ... speak for yourself.
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Yeah. Yeah.
MK: You're going to cuddle with me tonight?
BC: Heeeeeellll NO! I'm MAD at you!
MK: Ellie left the room.
BC: I'll be there in five minutes.

{Six hours pass as everyone sleeps}
{Momma and The Boy get up in the morning}
The Boy: Where's my Buddy Bear?
MK: I don't ...
{Pause}
MK: OH, CRAP! I LEFT HIM OUTSIDE!!!
EM: Really? Because I could've sworn ...
The Boy: YOU LEFT HIM OUTSIDE ALL NIGHT?!?! OH MY GOODNESS! HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT HE'S OUTSIDE!?!?
BC: {coming up behind The Boy} BOO!
The Boy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Momma busts out laughing}
The Boy: I HATE when you do that! And you can do it with a straight face too!
BC: Phht. Momma has a straight face? Looks a little crooked to me. And the nose is kind of big. But that nose has nothing on her ...
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: Don't I know it.
MK: Stop encouraging him!
BC: Encourage me! Encourage me!

The Boy: Bear getting locked out was believable. You have accidentally left him out there for a while.
BC: WHAT?!?! She FORGOT me?
MK: What did you care? You certainly didn't notice. You were busy sniffing around and hiding from me.
BC: But the point of hiding from you is making you worry! If you're not looking for me ... then I was hiding for no reason! My Momma FORGOT I was outside! I was almost homeless ... AND NO ONE CARES!
MK: For about five minutes, Bear. I was making dinner and some other stuff. If I'd made you come in at the beginning, you would've been mad at that too.
BC: I could've died! There I was ... roughing it on the front porch ... and there was a dog five miles away! FIVE MILES, Momma! My juicy loins were quivering!
MK: You could just not go outside.
BC: What's that have to do with anything?
MK: Never mind.
BC: And Smellie was sitting in the window making faces at me!
EM: WHAT?! I was not!
BC: Oh, right. That's your normal face!
EM: What was that, Pooh Bear?
BC: WHAT?! STOP CALLING ME THAT!
The Boy: Pooh Bear? 
EM: That's Bear's full name!
The Boy: His full name is POOH BEAR?!? Hahahahaha.
BC: Great. Just GREAT! Now The Boy's laughing at me. Where does the indignity end?!?

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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32 comments:

  1. I didn't know you were an out n' about kind of guy Bear, just be careful out there!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmph. It's the OUTSIDE that needs to be careful around me! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. Bear the ups and downs and ins and outs of life are quite interesting.
    Hugs Cecilia

    ReplyDelete
  3. Having your own yard isn't bad, Bear, but maybe what you need is to have different time slots. Mix it up a bit each day. Maybe you'll get to meet some more nice girls during the day? Of course if you're after mice then night is best, especially under cover.
    Purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm speechless....so is my cat Lucy! Yours sure aren't!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope. The only quiet we get around here is during wet food treat time!

      Delete
  5. We haven't left you all a comment in far too long, and I'm so sorry about that! You all always have us smiling and laughing. But, I assume you wouldn't like it if we started endearingly calling you Pooh Bear, Bear?

    ReplyDelete
  6. ellie we cracked UP at yur food processin commint.....two funny !!! ☺☺☺ & dood...next time ya go out can ya knot come bak in til yur good N reddy for uz....R ree tainin wallz a garage :(

    ☺☺♥♥

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ellie, you now have an ace in the hole; call him 'Pooh Bear' to irritate him!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Me thinks somebody is a somewhat tuned into the full moon. 🌚

    ReplyDelete
  9. The only time we're outside is to go to the vet. We never have fun.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Boy, Mommy would have cardiac arrest if I got out. It's the seemingly Indianapolis Speedway put there on the street in front of the house. 25 mph my foot! Bear, be nice to your momma! Ellie, don't encourage him. You know you do!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're pretty ideally situated. The yard is pretty well surrounded by a retaining wall. To get to street level, you have to go up a couple sets of stairs - and that's just the complex street.

      Delete
  11. Replies
    1. We don't have a catio! Especially not one as awesome as yours!

      Delete
  12. This makes us think of the days Samantha used to escape outside. There were some nights she just would not come in, and she didn't have an enclosed area. Those were some sleepless nights for me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would flip out! My heart already skips a beat when I can't see Bear right away!

      Delete
  13. Woodrow tries to dart outside sometimes too. But he's like, where am I, what am I doing out here, help!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. The old, "I know I wanted to be out here, but I can't remember for the life of me why" maneuver!

      Delete
  14. Bear, I had no idea you snuck outside. You really should stay inside where it is safe.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Bear! Be careful out there. Outside is a scary place!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ewww, the stinky spam guy found ya (see above me here) Bear..Ellie...you know how to handle this. Get out your two sharps defenses...claw and teeth and let I'm have it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know I never turn down an opportunity to use my claws and fangs! ~Bear Cat

      Delete

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