Friday, February 2, 2018

Bamboozling

EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: Will you stop licking me!?!?!
MK: Aww ... Bear's grooming Ellie! ON. THE. FACE!!! I need a picture of this!
BC: Phht. A camera can't pick up that her butt is really SMELLIE.
EM: That's my FACE you're licking!
BC: Oops. Hard to tell sometimes. Plus your SMELLIE comes out in all directions.
EM: HEY! Get your tongue out of my ear! So help me ... if you don't stop LICKING me, I'm going to make you sorry.

BC: Good luck. I'm never sorry.
EM: MRROOOOOOOW!!!

BC: OWWWW! I've had enough of this ... HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
MK: OOOH! I have my camera! 
{Pause as the cats go at it}

MK: What?!? WAIT! What happened?!?!

{Pause as the cats continue to go at it}

MK: CHEESE!
{Both cats stop what they're doing}

EM: WHERE?!?!?
BC: If she gets some, so do I!
EM: What kind of cheese?!? I mean, I'll eat any kind ... but I do have my favorites.
BC: I better get some too!
MK: ENOUGH!
EM: Enough cheese?! One can never have enough cheese. We haven't had any! Unless Bear stole some behind our back.
BC: You steal one measly tuna treat and you never live it down!
EM: It was in my mouth!
BC: Then it wouldn't be behind your back, right? But just for your information, no, it wasn't! It was on your butt.
EM: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?! If you thought the tuna was on my butt, why would you even want it?
BC: Ummm ... TUNA. It still tastes like tuna when it comes out the other end. Enough said.
EM: I'm really tired of you claiming to mix up my head and my butt. They don't look anything alike!
BC: Have you looked in a mirror?
EM: No.
BC: Then how do you know? Honest mistake.
EM: Momma! Bear keeps "confusing" my butt and my head! They don't look at all alike, right?

MK: STOP! BOTH of you! I said "cheese" so you'd pose for the picture.
BC: What kind of human nonsense is that? If it means pose, why don't you just say, "POSE!" instead of some stupid code word?
EM: It is kind of cheese-y.
MK: Oh, my head.
The Boy: I see your sense of humor is rubbing off on her.
BC: If that's all that's rubbing off, she should be thankful! Just what we need ... another doughnut butt. Though a cat ... so a tuna butt?! Salmon butt?
EM: YOU'RE a butt!
BC: You make a better door than a window.
EM: I'm not fat!
BC: It's like I have TWO sisters! Buy one, get one free! Hahahahahaha.
EM: I have a delicate figure!
BC: For an airplane hanger!
EM: You need counseling!

BC: You're STUPID! There's no help for that.
The Boy: And yet ... you'd rather bust through a wall, full-steam ahead ... instead of going around.
BC: HEY! I only did that once!
{Pause}
BC: Err ... twice.
The Boy: You're a little furry terrorist! 
BC: I prefer to call it furry fury.
The Boy: When you don't get your way, you misbehave until the other person gives in.
BC: Phht. Everything SHOULD be my way.
The Boy: Some things just can't be fixed by talking about them.
BC: No kidding! I've talked myself blue in the face! And what did I get out of it? A headache.

The Boy: Maybe if you talked about more than tasty whole chickens, bazookas, tanks, tuna, torties, and how everyone conspires against you, you'd get some where.
BC: I am mistreated. I am maligned. But it's not really all your faults ... you're just stupid.
The Boy: And he wonders why no one listens to him. Just once I'd like to hear him take the Fifth.
BC: The fifth what?! I take whatever I want around here ... so it's not really a stretch!
The Boy: As I said before, furry little terrorist.
BC: Then again, if you're OFFERING the fifth ... I'm not sure I want it. Still, it would probably go well with the third in my stash and the eighth in my other stash.
The Boy: You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? You bluster ahead anyway - pretending you do and not making sense.
BC: A fifth of catnip?
The Boy: What are you talking about? I was talking about the Fifth AMENDMENT to the United States Constitution! The right against self-incrimination!

BC: Well, EXCUSE ME, if I'm not up on whine-y human sissy-ness. Humans have to verbalize rules instead of just demanding what they what! Phht. Easier for us cats. They're not even in the game.
{Loud purring is heard}
MK: OWWWWWWW! &^%@ STUFFINGS! That hurt! You bit my nose!
EM: I love you, Momma! You're the best thing ever!

MK: That really hurt!
The Boy: It was just a love bite!
MK: My butt! It really hurt!
BC: Uh oh. When Momma totes out her butt, we all need to take cover. I don't understand though ... Ellie bit your NOSE but your BUTT hurts?!?! Maybe I'm mixing up your head and your butt too - like I do to Ellie. Because it sure looked like she bit your face.
MK: Bear ...
BC: Then again, if she does bite your FACE and your BUTT hurts ... she needs to teach me how to bite like that!
{Pause}
BC: HWCK! HAWWWCK! Talk about embarrassing ... as if SMELLIE could teach ME anything!
The Boy: {ignoring Bear's monologue} Then don't put your face in her face.
MK: That has nothing to do with it! She bunts my hand and then she bites my chin or my nose ... one time my mouth ... 
BC: We should get a picture of that!!! Talk about revenge for putting all my business all over the internet. Since you've gotten the new camera, I haven't gotten away with anything! Me and The Boy ... 


{Bear pauses for dramatic effect}
BC: And even worse! Pictures of me and SMELLIE!


{Bear pauses for dramatic effect}
BC: Pictures of me doing cat stuff ... 
EM: That's not cat stuff! I don't do any of those things! And I don't pick fights with inanimate objects!
BC: You don't count because you're a suck-up!
EM: I TOO count! MOMMA! Bear says I ...
BC: All these pictures ... I'm screwed! It's about time there's some pay-back!
MK: Bear ...
BC: No wait ... I'd never get in bed with that evil camera! I can tell everyone about ... hmm ... uh ... come on now ... I KNOW there's an abundance of material! You embarrass yourself a million times a day! Ummm ... hmm ... OH! ... never mind. RATS! I can't think of anything embarrassing that you've done that I haven't already included in our blog! Goose herding ... the underpants thing ... "dancing" ... "singing" ... wait, wait! What about last night when you threw the blanket on the bed and buried me?!?!
MK: Bear, it was dark! You're a dark cat and it was dark in the room.
BC: Sure. THAT makes it okay!
EM: That's not really embarrassing about Momma any ...
MK: And you wonder why I don't feel bad sharing the illicit and juicy pictures of you!
BC: I ... YOU ... GRRRRR ... {deciding  to change the subject} ...
{Pause}
BC: Ellie bites you. Phht. I'd never bite my Momma!
MK: Oh, really?
BC: Don't be ridiculous, my jaw isn't big enough to fit over your nose or chin ... and DEFINITELY not your butt!
MK: Bear, you're telling me you've never bit me?


BC: Err ... when you put it that way ...
{Pause}
BC: I wouldn't call it BITING ... more like negative reinforcement.
MK: That wouldn't be negative reinforcement. Negative reinforcement is removing a negative outcome - designed to increase the occurrence of another behavior. 
The Boy: I JUST mentioned this! He makes no sense and has no idea what he's talking about but he acts like does!
BC: It's not an ACT, Dumbnuts. People knowledge is stupid. I use my own definitions! I don't like what Momma does ... I bite her. How does she know what not to do unless I bite her?
MK: That ALMOST makes sense. Though you DID admit to biting me.
The Boy: Don't let him bamboozle you!
BC: That sounds cool! How do you bambooble someone?!? COUNT ME IN! Momma! I'm going to bambooble you! Smellie! I'm going to bambooble you too! The Boy! I'm going to bambooble ALL of you! I'm going to bazooka bambooble you! I'm going to bazooka bambooble skunk you!
The Boy: Now you just sound ridiculous ... 
{Pause}
The Boy: {sigh} Then again, that's nothing new! It's bamboo-Z-le. {holding his head in his hands} Heaven help us, I've taught him a new word. 
BC: Momma teaches me new words all the time! Like earlier today when she said, "&^%@ STUFFINGS." &^%@! I need to write that one down before I forget it!
{Bear looks around and scrambles to find a pen}
BC: RATS! WHERE ARE ALL THE PENS WHEN I NEED ONE?!?!
MK: {AHEM} ...
BC: WHAT?! Ellie got your tongue? Get it? "Cat got your tongue?" You can't get the words out. Ellie bites you ...
EM: EWWW! I bite her FACE ... not her tongue. Dumb-@$$!
MK: Where do you think our pens have gone?
BC: How should I know?!?! I'm not the keeper of the ... uh oh.
{Pause}
BC: Ummm ... Dumbnuts? What's this Fifth I can take?
The Boy: NOW you want the right to not incriminate yourself?
BC: I need to! Otherwise I'll be in big trouble because I lost all the pens under the couch!

{Silence}
BC: &^%@
The Boy: And Bear learns the meaning of bamboozle ...
BC: RATS!

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44 comments:

  1. Completely off topic, but I like your new header, it's really cute. I hide all my pens from my cat Jake or I wouldn't have anything to write with. He has enough toys. ;)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you! It took Momma a LONG time to get it just right!
      Right after adopting Bear, I couldn't find my pens anywhere. I didn't even think of him - I was sure I was losing my mind ... until the night I picked up the love seat to dig out a toy mousie and I found no less than 17 pens!

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  2. Oh, BearCat, I love to see how you do your cat things, you make a good example for me...MOL :D Now be nice to each other, all of you :D Pawkisses for a Bamboozling weekend :) <3

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    Replies
    1. Not sure I'd say I'm a good example ... I mean, I'm grounded for the rest of my nine lives! That's a LONG time! ~Bear Cat

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  3. I noticed your cute header too! Hey Bear, maybe window whiffies would be a bit better pal!

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    1. Thank you! It took Momma a LONG time to get it just right!

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  4. Don't worry, Ellie. You are beautiful and I would never get your two ends confused!

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    Replies
    1. Hmph. I think he does it on purpose just to make me feel bad! ~Ellie Mae

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  5. I always love all the pictures. They tell the story too and also accompany your story so well!

    Pierrot is very interested in bamboozling too, Bear. Also, like you, he likes to sit on the stove, get on top of the fridge, and go in cupboards. And he likes to bug me!

    The lady really loves the pic where Ellie's paw is on Bear and the one of both on the blanket together.

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    1. Momma's definitely gotten better at matching pictures and dialogue. So many of our old posts had a picture or two! Then again, she's got many thousands of pictures and it's a lot to wade through!

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  6. I like to bite my mum when I don't get my own way!

    She knows I love her really :)

    Purrs xx
    Athena

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  7. Our Mom's brother used to say (too often) "He who smelt it, dealt it." We're not sure how exactly that might apply here, but maybe we're bamboozled or something, though those incriminating photos sure tell a tale or two ....

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    Replies
    1. Hmph. Incriminating photos. When does a cat get some privacy for his exploits?! ~Bear Cat

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  8. AMARULA: Oh Bear you are the best with zingers -- my fav line of the day " I'm really tired of you claiming to mix up my head and my butt. They don't look anything alike!
    BC: Have you looked in a mirror?" Have you looked in a mirror!! That's telling her!!! I might have to use that on Zulu!

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    Replies
    1. Be careful though ... if those black cats look in a mirror, they might turn to stone! Just saying ... ~Bear Cat

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  9. Ellie don't you just hate it when Bear or Momma decide to spit on your face...or as they like to call it groom you!?
    I feel your pain girlfriend
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  10. "I wouldn't call it BITING ... more like negative reinforcement."
    ROFLOL!

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  11. Does anyone ever win an argument, or maybe you would prefer to call it a debate, with you Bear?

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  12. My heavens, Smellie..I mean Ellie sure has her hands full with you Bear. You seem to try to talk her into the ground....bet she got some good whappies in on ya.

    Shoko and Kali

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  13. Oh that licking thing is the worst Ellie Mae! Just when I find the most delicious spot to snooze, as I'm drifting off, Oliver hops up next to me and begins licking me, which turns into biting me and then turns into taking my soft comfy spot. The humans should not be fooled by the licking, it is an act of agression!
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Alberto

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    Replies
    1. I agree! I just DARE my Momma to try to get a picture of the indignity! ~Ellie Mae

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  14. Clearly, you are comfy letting your teeth do the talking, BC.

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  15. How WOULD your mum know what not to do if you didn't bite her? Makes perfect sense to me, for sure. MOUSES!

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  16. That's not biting, it's *communicating* ... right, Bear Cat? ;)

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  17. Hmmm...I talk to Mom with my teeth too!
    My Mom does not like it at all either. But it is just communicating - isn't it!
    Purrs
    Marv

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  18. That's very nice of you to groom Ellei, Bear. Even me hasn't gone there yet with Raena. MOL As fur all those fotos. MeOW, we luv that camera. Ya'll look pawsum. And, mommy got these little boxes at wally world that she keeps her pens in so we can't steal 'em. Maybe your mommy should think 'bout somethin' like that when she furinally recovers the pens. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. Is there a black market for pens? Asking for a friend of course ... ~Bear Cat

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  19. We do have to side with Bear on the "cat stuff". In our experience, that is all normal cat stuff!
    I might not have noticed your new header if others hadn't mentioned it (well, I would have eventually but it might have taken me a while because I'm not always very observant), but I love it too...and your tagline is Purr-fect!
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

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  20. You weren't tasting Ellie , were you Bear? I think it is sweet that you gave her kisses. I love the photos of you two so close together. XO

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  21. Bear, you face so many challenges, not only to your authority but with the junior staff too. I think maybe you should take a sabbatical, as well as the fifth, and see how they cope. Then when they miss you, you can resume your rightful place as head of the household.
    Toodle pips and purrs
    Erin

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    Replies
    1. Can a sabbatical be taken on a tasty whole chicken farm?! Err ... asking for a friend! ~Bear Cat

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