Tuesday, February 27, 2018

TANK you very much!

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: You're ONCE! TWICE! THREE times a TORTIE. And I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE you!
EM: You know, three times a tortie sounds like a really fat tortie.
BC: What EXACTLY are you saying about my girlfriend? Err .. RATS!
{Pause}
BC: GIRLFRIENDS.
EM: In your dreams.
BC: You mean like you dreaming of the delicate lady-ness you lost five pounds ago?
EM: Well, THAT was not very nice!
BC: The truth hurts. Do you mind? I'm singing in the shower here!
EM: I'm just saying that three times a tortie sounds like an obese tortie!  How would you like it if I sang, "Three times a tabby?"
BC: Stop the jokes about my weig ... 
{Pause}
BC: OH. Good point.
EM: You should listen to me more often! Maybe you wouldn't be single!
BC: Don't let it go to your head. This won't be a regular occurrence. The Boy told me women are never right ... but we're supposed to let them think they are.
EM: My Daddy would never say that! You're just looking for an excuse to minimize women.
BC: Why would I want to minimize women? I LIKE women! ESPECIALLY torties! And my Momma leaves a lot to be desired, but she loves me to no end. 
{Pause}
BC: But then again, her doughnut butt is growing and if I could minimize that we wouldn't have to listen to her try to squeeze in her jeans. You know what brand of jeans she wears?
EM: Umm ...
BC: #lostcause #abouttopop
EM: So you don't want to  minimize women?
BC: NO! Hmmm ...
{Pause}
BC: Wait a second ... I want to minimize you - to grape size?
{Pause as Bear thinks}
BC: Three SHADES of tortie? You know, shades of brown, black, and white?
EM: What's the big deal about torties anyway?
BC: What's the big ... you truly are stupid, aren't you? If you don't understand, I can't explain it to you.
EM: A cat shouldn't be judged by her fur color ... but by the content of her character.

{Pause}
EM: Which means you're screwed.
BC: GOOD! I want to be screwed! But only by a tortie ...
EM: No. I meant the content of your character leaves something to be desired.
BC: I'm never going to be able to retire on a tasty whole chicken farm with a harem of torties and crab cakes.
EM: I don't exactly feel sorry for you.
BC: That's ... why don't you just LEAVE ME ALONE!
EM: But ...
BC: You better run along ... last time I checked our food bowl was almost empty. Save yourself!
EM: OOH! I hope I'm not too late! BYE!
BC: A piggy and her food are not easily parted. But hey ... whatever makes her leave me alone.
EM: {from the other room} {GASP!} I'M TOO LATE!!! I'm going to starve! I'm going to starve! The bowl is completely empty! I'm a growing girl! I haven't eaten for THREE WHOLE MINUTES and now I find THIS! It's the end of me for sure ...
{In Momma's approximation, the bowl is full - though the cats would disagree}

MK: {in the room with Ellie} Bear might be the drama princess, but you're the drama queen.
EM: I'm gonna need more food. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDY! I need more food!
MK: Ellie, it's wet food treat time. Don't worry.
EM: Easy for YOU to say! You'll have to catch me over my dead body! BYE!!!
MK: {sigh}.
EM: {running back into the room Bear's in ... and into the cat tree corner} She's going to kill me! She's going to kill me! She's going to do horrible things to me! HEEEEELLP! 
BC: Phht. WOMEN. So irrational. They make NO sense! Smellie's running because of the conspiracy theories in her ...
{Pause as Bear sees Momma walk toward him with concentration}
BC: HUH?!?
{Pause as Bear notices the toothbrush, claw clippers, and acne pads in Momma's hands}
BC: RATS! @%# the &%@#!!! Of all the *&@^ luck! 
EM: {from the cat tree corner} Who's IRRATIONAL now?!
BC: {running to the cat tree corner} Shut up, SMELLIE! You COULD'VE warned me! This is all your ...
{Pause as Bear realizes Ellie's hiding in the cat tree corner in the one spot Momma struggles to reach}
BC: *&@^ the &%@# &%@# @%#!!! I REALLY hate *@&%ing sisters! 
EM: I was here first! Too bad ... so sad. I guess you'll go first! If I'm lucky, she'll forget about me.
BC: In ten years of torture, she's never forgotten me ... EVER!
{Pause as Bear listens to determine Momma's proximity}
BC: You stole MY spot! I found it!
EM: But I was here first!
BC: Like it's MY fault you're too fat to hide under the bed anymore. That's the only reason you're hiding here - in MY spot! Too fat?!?!  BIG DEAL! Put on your big girl pan ...
{Bear sees Momma walking toward the cat tree}
BC: If I die, it's all your fault, Smellie! You think I'm bad alive?!?! Just wait until I HAUNT you! BYE!
{Bear runs to the second bedroom ... meanwhile, Momma contorts herself upside down to drag Ellie out from under the cat tree}
The Boy: Hahahahahaha. This never gets old! To see your legs flailing in the air ... Hahahahaha.
EM: Very ^&#$ funny, you *&@^! Leave me the *@^ alone, Momma! If it comes down to me and you ... we all know who's going to win!

BC: {from the other room} MOMMA! She ALWAYS wins!
EM: Oh, SHUT UP, Bear!
BC: She says as she hides in MY cat tree corner! You'll get what you deserve!
EM: And then you'll be next!
{Momma finally gets a hand on Ellie}
EM: *&@^ the &%@# &%@# @%#! This is SO not worth a ...
{Pause}
EM: Put me down! Put me down right now! You're not going to get away with this! I ... I ... HATE you!
{Pause}
EM: Now I'm starting to sound like Bear. I don't really mean that, Mom ...
{Pause as Momma uses the toothbrush on Ellie}
EM: &%@# &%@# @%# Mother-meowing (#$!
{Momma finishes with Ellie and goes to find Bear ...}
{Momma finds Bear next to the bed in the second bedroom}
BC: {seeing Momma} RATS! RATS!! RATS!!! NO! Don't touch me! One more step and I'll hide under this bed!
EM: {from the other room} IF I CAN'T FIT, THERE'S NO WAY YOU'LL FIT!!!
BC: Unh. UNH ... just a little more ... just gotta pull in my girth ...
{Momma watches Bear with amusement}
BC: Oh, you think this is funny?!?
{Pause}
BC: I DEFINITELY shouldn't have had that last bowl of kibble. I'm bloated!
EM: {from the other room} Yeah! "BLOATED" my butt!
BC: What does your bloated butt have to do with me?!? It's not MY fault your butt is too big to fit under the bed! Unh! UNNHHH!!! Matter of life and death ... suck in my gut ...

MK: Gotcha!
BC: Let me go! Let me go!
MK: Bear ...
BC: I protest! I'm offended! And put off! Unhand me, lady ... or you'll regret it.
EM: What are you going to do? Sit on her?
MK: Ellie, you're not helping.
BC: She never does! Put me down or I'll ... HIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS!
MK: OW!
BC: I warned you! This isn't over, lady! I WILL have my revenge. Mark my words!
EM: Why would I mark your words?! I usually just ignore you.
BC: Oh, SHUT UP, SMELLIE!
{Momma brushes Bear's teeth, brushes him, washes his chin ... then lets him go}
{An hour passes ... sounds of building waft out of the closet}
EM: Bear?!? What are you doing in the closet?
BC: I'm busy!
EM: You missed your 9:03pm, 9:37pm, and 9:54pm naps! You didn't even touch your wet food treat!
BC: LEAVE. ME. ALONE!!!
EM: BEAR! BEAR! It's okay to come out of the closet! We love you just the way you are! There's nothing to be ashamed of!
BC: GO AWAY! I'm BUSY!
{Pause}
EM: Hehehehehe. That one never gets old! Get it?! You're in the closet ... nothing to be ashamed of ...
BC: Shut up, Smellie! I'm BUSY!
{Ellie leaves the room to lay on her cat bed and fifteen minutes pass}

BC: EUREKA! I've completed pimping my ride! 
{Pause as an engine starts up}
EM: Ummm .... Bear?!?! Do you hear something?
BC: Revenge is mine ... TANK you very much!
EM: WTF?!?!
BC: Prepare to die!
EM: MOMMA! MOMMA! Bear turned his spaceship into a ... he's headed your way!!!
BC: This tank stops for no man! Err ... woman. Or cat! Move, or I'll add you my pancake collection! Momma?!?! You're first on my list! No more torture and helplessness for Bear Cat!
EM: Uh oh.
BC: And Smellie is second! I'll teach HER to steal my spot! 
EM: A princess?!?! REALLY?!? You're a princess of death riding in a tank?!?
BC: How ELSE would a princess of death get around?
{Ellie cracks up}
BC: You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first!
EM: WHY?!? You look ridiculous! I mean, you ALWAYS look ridiculous ... but now even more so than usual!
BC: Change of plans ... Ellie's target one.
The Boy: {walking into the room and stopping when he sees Bear} Hahahahahahahahahaha. You're almost a parody of yourself! You look absolutely ridic ...
BC: I can go from the tank princess of death to I'm the shark in less than three seconds.
The Boy: Never mind.
BC: That's what I thought. I am tank-ful for you!

TO BE CONTINUED ...

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46 comments:

  1. Bear, you doin’ it in style, the tiara is such a good touch. Tanks and Tiaras would be an awesome title for a book, too. Love for a Tortie/s and forced to live with evil step sister drives the young dreamer, Bear, to hire the A Teamand break free.... at leadt till the next nap and meal time! Can’t wait for next episode...
    Toodle pips and purrs
    Erin

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    1. Neither can we! Momma has no idea where to go with this!

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  2. Bear dude, OMC mew're really taking it to a whole new level now buddy! If mew need a bigger tank let us know we can send mew one of our spares and fur cods sake don't let Pandora see that tiara, she'll be 'borrowing' it off mew!!! MOL

    We can't wait till next time....

    Big hugs

    Basil and co xox

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    Replies
    1. OOH! When I was in the market for a tank, I should've consulted you!! You guys are experts! Pandora clearly has taste and an eye for exquisitivity :) ~Bear Cat

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  3. You are quite the character Bear and we're tankful we get to enjoy your adventures!

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  4. Wow.....that's an impurressive ride you have there!!

    The Florida Furkids

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  5. Princess of Death.... That's one we haven't heard before. And EM, you're looking particularly lovely today.

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    1. Thank you! ~Ellie Mae
      I like to think I'm one-of-a-kind! ~Bear Cat
      {And the world is grateful that he is ... ~Ellie Mae}

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  6. We all are okay with a female wearing a tiara, so why not a male? Hmmm?!? Seems to fit Bear just fine, and he looks good...so it's all GOOD!

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    1. Thank you! I DO look quite distinguished and dignified, don't I? ~Bear Cat

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  7. ellie....may I say you look FABulous and gorgeous today in your photo's I daresay
    I didn't read of word of what your brother said because your snapshots totally blocked
    out any and all verbiage he may or may not have used......indeed...hugs from dai$y
    =^..*= ♥♥

    dood....sum white out N de two S'z are hiss tree and now look at what ewe haz N yez
    a prinze anda king wearz a crown two ~~~~~~~~~~ tuna of moon ☺☺

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Don't worry, I don't listen to him either! I can't imagine I miss much :) ~Ellie Mae

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  8. Doughnut butt! You are so funny, Bear. Love the tiara!

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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    Replies
    1. Even Momma liked the tiara ... and she's the least tiara-y person we know!

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  9. OMCs you have a ginormous bowl of delectable kibble. If I had that much I would surely faint...
    Hugs madi your bfff
    PS great post and pics today my furiends

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  10. Where do you come up with these things, Bear? Doughnut butt! Love your photos.

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    Replies
    1. Momma says I'm not allowed to tell you where I come up with these things ... ~Bear Cat

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  11. Bear,the Princess of Death! I am almost lost for words! The workings of your mind astound me. You know what, you could be the Prince of Doom and still look good in your tiara.

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  12. That is one huge bowl of food. We would dig right into that. Hope you all have a wonderful day.

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  13. AMARULA: You look great to me Bear!And as a tortie I fully support being judged on teh color of my gorgeous fur!

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  14. Bear, your sister is right in saying all cats should be judged by the content of her character...but we all know torties are extra special regardless though ;)

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  15. You have the Boy on the run, Bear, and we think that's a pretty good start!!

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  16. oh my things are becoming rather dangerous over there! MOL!! Oh and Em isn't fat! catchatwithcarenandcody

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  17. Bwahaha. The fun around your crib just gets better and better. First toothbrushes and then tanks. That's quite the segue.

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    1. We see a tank in Sam's future ... great for those pesky sisters! ~Bear Cat

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  18. Slapping my paws on my knees - that was funny! Bear you really got yourself a great rig there! That tank will teach 'em not to mess with you! And Ellie, you are looking gorgeous! Hugs!

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  19. My assistant wears LOSTCAUSE jeans, too. And all this time I thought it was her own special private label! MOL.

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  20. Oh, Ellie, you are gorgeous in that first picture and you are so right that a kitty should be judged by her character. Wise words! The next pic with your (lack of) food is so cute!

    Bear, something tells me if MK let you out of the house, you'd be a player. Love how you pimped your ride. "Peace is for suckers," MOL!

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  21. Oh Ellie, that furst foto of you is just gawjus, you, not the foto. Anyways, we're a bit confused. We thought it was wet food treat time? What's up with the topoth brushin' befur the stinky goodness? We don't really eat that stuff, but seems to us, the tooth brushin' should happen afterwards not befur. Bear, Ellie, we think that constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. Ya'll should fur sure take it up with the NUCAT counsel. We just might have to elect a new purresident and let Autin be the silent CIC (cat in charge). Good luck with your next treat, we'd be insistin' on fair treatment fur sure. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    1. Our wet food treats is after our nightly beauty routine. Not ideal ... but it works the best for us!

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  22. I love your new header, I think it is new ( or I am not very observant). You kitties don't realize how lucky you are to get your teeth brushed, it will save you painful dental issues .XO

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    1. Thank you for your comment on the header! I wish more people were aware of the importance of dental care for cats!

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  23. Your momma is so brave to brush your teeth! And Ellie, an obese torie? That's a new one! MOL!!

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    1. Momma's not brave ... then again, her taste in men is somewhat questionable ... so you know ;)

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