Friday, February 9, 2018

THE CHANGE

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae

{Midnight - Bear walks into the bedroom where Momma and The Boy are trying to sleep}
BC: Yo.
MK: YO?
BC: Yo.
MK: Yo?
The Boy: You two are yo-yos!
{Silence as Bear and Momma stare at The Boy}
The Boy: Get it? You both said "yo" ... so you're "yo-yos" ...
MK: Why would you say,"yo?" You've never said that before.
BC: Yo' Mama!
MK: Great.
BC: Yo' Mama!
MK: Ugh.
BC: Yo' Mama!
MK: Thank goodness he takes a nap every few minutes ...
BC: Yo' Mama!
MK: You've never said that before.

BC: I want to down with the low.
{Momma sighs because she's too tired to even try to figure out what Bear's talking about}
MK: You're up early.
BC: I had a bad dream. My 11:57 PM nap is ruined. 

MK: I'm sorry ...
BC: I don't know how I'll make it to 12:03 AM. I feel like I was run over by a bus!
The Boy: We should be so lucky ...
MK: What'd you dream ...
The Boy: That Bear was run over by a bus!
BC: Are you pregnant?
MK: WHAT?!
BC: ARE YOU PREGNANT?
MK: NO! Why would you ...
BC: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!
MK: What?
BC: I'm asking THE BOY if he's pregnant.
MK: Why would you think The Boy is pregnant?
BC: A little birdie told me. You know? The bird from the birds and the bees.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: It was in my bad dream. The Boy was pregnant and gave birth to me.
The Boy: HUH?
BC: You've never been pregnant, right?
The Boy: NO!
BC: Are you sure?
The Boy: What do you mean, "are you sure?"
BC: Not that you know of or no?
The Boy: NO!!!
BC: Phht. There's no reason to get grumpy! Sore subject. A dude can't get pregnant and takes it out on everyone else!

The Boy: I don't want to be pregnant!
BC: Methinks the Dweeble doth protest too much.
The Boy: WHAT?!?!
BC: Buses ... pregnant boys ... speaking of large items ... Have you seen my barn?
MK: Your WHAT?
BC: My BARN! You know ... foul smelling, black fur, never shuts up ... you can't miss her! Well, unless your aiming of a bazooka or chicken cannon causes you to miss the broad side of a barn. If that's the case, might as well just tank it. If you miss the barn with the tank ... bless your heart ... you're useless.
MK: Black fur? Foul smelling? Ellie?
BC: SMellie.
MK: BEAR!
BC: That you knew who I was talking about when I mentioned foul smelling means you know it's the truth!
MK: BEAR! I just remembered your nickname for her. She doesn't smell and it's not nice to say so!
BC: HEY! It's not MY fault! I just speak the truth! Don't kill the messenger!
MK: Bear, you only get one sister.
BC: That's what you said with Kitty! She died and I got ANOTHER sister!

MK: Bear ...
BC: Earlier, when I was pooping, I was considering the important questions in life ... Is there a market for black pens? Asking for a friend of course.
MK: Why wouldn't there be a market for black pens?
BC: BLACK PENS. Under the table. Outside official channels. Sales with no questions asked.
MK: You mean, "Is there a black market for pens?" It has nothing to do with ink color.
BC: Well, EXCUSE ME for not understanding the intricate features of pens! How should I know the black market doesn't only contain things that are black?!? Cats are not picky. 
MK: In any other context, "We're not picky," would be humorous.
BC: Says the person who only sleeps in a bed. Nope. You're too good to sleep on the floor ... on tables ... in cat beds.
MK: Bear ...

BC: And you don't eat sardines. Talk about picky. Who doesn't like sardines?!? But us cats and pens? If you can bat it ... good for a cat hit.

MK: Why would you care if there's a black market for pens?
BC: Is that a trick question?
MK: NO!
BC: I've accumulated quite a stash of pens ... all kinds of colors and varieties and sizes ... my collection is better than a museum. I was hoping I might trade them for chicks.
EM: The sex trade?! I'm insulted and offended that you'd trade pens for torties! And what if the ladies don't like you?
BC: Why wouldn't they like me? Hmph. Anycat with any taste knows what's up. And torties have taste ... among other things! Hubba hubba ... loyal and trouble.
EM: Those torties have feelings you know ... they're LIVES not property! 
BC: What's wrong with appreciating torties?! They're goddesses! Are you jealous? I guess trading you is out? I mean, it IS the black market ... and you are black!
EM: NO!
BC: Just kidding, of course. I couldn't get many chicks for a smelly horse.
EM: HEY! You're offensive!
The Boy: {under his breath} Have you MET him?!?
BC: Baby chicks! Not tortie chicks!
EM: They're still lives! Unless you want to mother baby chicks. 
{Pause}
EM: Nope. I can't see it.
BC: Phht.  Momma's better at baby animal care ... you missed the time she herded a bunch of baby geese away from the road. They STILL talk about it in da' hood! I mean, I've never seen a bunch of people standing around in a hood ... but that's the phrase down with the low, so you know.
{Pause}
BC: *&!@!! It's 12:04! I should be sleeping! This is the worst night ever!
EM: You said that last night when you couldn't get the mousie out from under the couch. And you said that the night before when Momma forgot you were outside.
BC: Shut up, Smellie!
MK: It wasn't exactly my fault, you know! One night you hesitated when I offered you the chance to go out while I got the mail - you finally ended up outside ... and we couldn't get you back inside. The Boy almost froze trying to get you back inside.
BC: He was a Boy-sicle!
MK: It wasn't funny! I had to get out the treats.
BC: You say that like it's a bad thing!
EM: Tuna treats! YUM!

MK: Then the night after that, you bolted outside with no hesitation and disappeared in the dark.
BC: I was holding out for more treats! I'm not DUMB. If I run out and you can't find me to herd me in ... you'll use treats to lure me back in! Err ...
{Pause}
BC: I WAS FRAMED!
MK: Framed?
BC: SCREWED!
EM: You screwed yourself! Hahahaha.
MK: I wasn't going to give in and look for you and chase you inside. We're lucky that our partial yard is enclosed so I don't have to worry about something happening to you when you're in one of your obstinate moods. I left you outside and got distracted by something else.

BC: I almost FROZE! My tail had frostbite. It could've broken off!
EM: If your tail was thick and bushy like mine, you wouldn't have that problem. YOUR tail? No big loss!
MK: Only you determined how long you were out there. You're the only one to blame.
BC: But I had to wait in the cold until you got the treats out!
MK: And how did that work out for you?
BC: I froze AND got screwed out of treats! You FORGOT about me! 
EM: Well, to be honest, it was awfully quiet in here with you outside ... 
BC: REALLY?! I mean, you just gotta kick a cat when he's down? I almost DIED and all you do is slam me.
EM: It's not MY fault your stupid con for treats backfired! It's not my fault you panicked and couldn't get inside fast enough. 
BC: Momma FORGOT about me! Do you know what that does to a cat's ego?
EM: No. Because Momma would never forget about me!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP! I'm still mad at you for messing with my Momma snuggle time.
EM: Hmph. I shouldn't have to WAIT to jump in Momma's lap! I just helped the situation along.
BC: You pawed at Momma's leg and then whapped my butt with your paw! WHILE I was in her lap!!! I was all purry and melty!

EM: Well, your turn was over. And you moved.
BC: Keep your paws away from my butt! You can look and admire ... but NOT touch!
EM: As if I'd WANT to! But of course, you're full of yourself and think everyone's paws want to be on your butt.
BC: They don't? What's wrong with people?! Momma prefers to have ME on her lap because I don't bite her face or sneeze in her face!
EM: I only sneezed in her face one time!
{Pause}
EM: Err ... I mean it was actually THREE times ... but all within the same five minutes! 
BC: You probably gave Momma dwooties!
EM: What?!
BC: DWOOTIES ... the Dweeble equivalent of cooties.
EM: You made that nonsense up!
BC: I did not! EVERYONE knows Dweebles carry dwooties. Just like EVERYONE knows Dweebles are TERRIBLE singers.

{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... {looking at Momma} ... {GASP} YOU'RE a Dweeble!
MK: WHAT?!
BC: All the signs are there ... you do stupid stuff ... you can't sing ... you've been Dweeble-ized! I KNEW it would happen eventually when Dweeble Dumb and Dweeble Dumber moved in!
MK: Bear, I've always sung like this. And how many times over the years have you told me I do stupid stuff?
BC: {GASP} It's even worse than I thought! YOU'RE the original Dweeble! YOU Dweeble-ized THEM!
MK: {sigh} So much for your 12:03 AM nap.
BC: RATS! {sigh} Then again, how can I sleep knowing the truth?
MK: Ugh.
BC: YOU'RE A DWEEBLE! Nightmares to follow! No, thank you!!! I'm getting out of here before I go through "THE CHANGE."

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38 comments:

  1. Oh Bear you have me rolling when you talked about "the barn", "trading pens for chicks" and "dweeblized!" I luv the drama, the wit! It never ends. It's a funhouse! Hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Imagine what THEY think about me! They're a whole lot less appreciative! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Hey Bear, you are having some strange dreams pal, what ya been eating?

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  3. Hmm, I lost my focus...time for more caffeine!

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  4. What Brian said! MOL Maybe you shouldn't have late night snacks!

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  5. I think YOU might be pregnant, Bear. Anycat worth their furz knows tuxes are da bomb, unless, you know, you don't think you're good enough for a tuxie.

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    Replies
    1. PREGNANT?!?! But I haven't been with any torties OR tuxies! ~Bear Cat

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  6. Baby carriages...OH My....thanks for your comments today on the many faces of Madi.
    Mom did my puzzle using Pizap, collage program.
    https://www.pizap.com/pizap-app.php?initialstate=collage
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  7. Now that you mentioned all this, some of the best conversations and arguments happen at 12:04 a.m.. The fact that no one can remember exactly what the conversation or argument was about, or how each were answered makes it hilarious.... as we're sure your Mom and The Boy agree with! We're surprised the plate of Mac & Cheese wasn't mentioned. That ALWAYS comes up in our late night/early morning conversations!

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    Replies
    1. Hmph. I know! Sometimes I wonder if having only one sister is the problem. She's not exactly normal when it comes to cat-like activities! ~Bear Cat

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  8. Oooh, was it an alien style birth that you had out of the boy? Sounds like great plot for sci-fi movie though. If the Dweeblies is an actual virus thing then maybe you should go to the vets and have a shot, just in case, like tetanus jab, maybe the boy could have a scan too, just in case ;)
    Toodle pips and purrs
    Erin

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    Replies
    1. I'd rather take my chances of catching doof-itis than go to the vet! ~Bear Cat

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  9. That sure was a weird dream, BC. Maybe you should lay off the nip after 10pm...
    Very entertaining for all of us- but your MK and The Boy might appreciate a good night's sleep!
    xxoo

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    Replies
    1. Hmph. They sleep for 5 hours and I never hear the end of it! They act like they're sleep deprived! Sleep deprived? REALLY?!?! I only got twelve hour of sleep yesterday! ~Bear Cat

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  10. AMARULA: You can pen me in anytime Bear!! And I do my best thinking during poo time too!! Psssst: have you noticed in your human's header (which my human thinks is very cute, by the way) that in that heart thing "She who will not be named's" name comes first---BEFORE YOU!! This must be rectified B!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I know! Momma even knew better but was too lazy to rectify the situation! My revenge is in process. ~Bear Cat

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  11. Oh, Bear, what HAVE you been eating????

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  12. I agree with Erin the Cat Princess, the first thing that came to mind was the birth from Aliens. 😄

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    Replies
    1. Momma's never seen it ... and might not ever ... I hear many people have nightmares :)

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  13. What a dream ! Too much nip maybe ? Purrs

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  14. Oh my goodness! The boy pregnant with you?? Sounds like you ate some pepperoni pizza the night before. :)

    Bear, if you could see all your pens on the Black Market, you could finally fund that tasty whole chicken farm. Maybe a bazooka too!

    p.s. Ellie is gorgeous. She's a black beauty!

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    Replies
    1. What DIDN'T Bear eat?!?! ~Ellie Mae
      Exactly on the pens/Black Market. Momma meant to put that it was for the chicken farm in there and then it slipped her mind. It's so hard to find competent help these days! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Lack of sleep makes for some interesting conversations around your pad. 😸

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  16. Now why would anykitty wanna be a chick mommy? We'd just want to have 'em fur dinner. Ya' know, roasted or raw, don't matter just put 'em on a plate. MOL Sorry you're bein' mocked Bear. Doesn't seem like life's too fair fur you at the moment. big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. I don't know! That was Ellie's stupid idea! SISTERS! ~Bear Cat

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  17. Are you sure you haven't been eating cheese late at night? That is supposed to give you nightmares.

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    1. What HASN'T he been eating?!?! And he FARTS too! ~Ellie Mae

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  18. Ellie, you are getting a little pushy. You really shouldn't be whacking Bear in the butt,poor guy.

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    1. Hmph. Then tell Bear not to lick my butt like a dirty old man! ~Ellie Mae

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  19. Yikes, those are some crazy dreams, Bear. No more late night snacks for you!

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