Friday, July 20, 2018

Momma visits a tasty whole chicken farm

BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

BC: Do you hear something?
EM: Haha. I'm not falling for that. Again.
BC: No, really! It sounds like someone's on the ...
{Pause}
EM: {FART}.
BC: HEY! You beat me to it!
{A key goes in the front door lock}
BC: THE BOOGIE MAN!
EM: Wrong side of the door, smarty-pants.
BC: Oh, shut up. Since you're the "nice" cat, I'm sure you're the one they'll abduct. If they try to touch ME, I'll give them what for.
EM: But ... but ... I LOVE it here!!
MK: {through the door} KITTENS!
BC and EM at the same time: MOMMA! 

EM: She's home!!! I'm going to tell her all the mean things you did to me.
BC: Phht. She won't believe you because I'm a sweet innocent ...
{Pause}
BC: I can't even say that with a straight face. Regardless, I'm her favorite! I get to greet her first! She'll want to see ME first.
EM: No way. MOVE OVER! I get to go first! I give the better welcome home reception. She likes to admire my tail. And I'm pretty.
BC: HEY! Stop shoving me unless you want something shoved where the sun don't shine. I'm the most senior cat. I go first.
EM: OWW! Stupid tyrant! I'm not going to let you push me aside. I want to say hi to my Momma! You're also the slowest ... so ...
BC: STOP! You can whack me as many times as you want with your stupid menace of a tail, but I'm NOT moving! I'm the cutest! 
EM: Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Move out of the way! I'm going first. I'm so glad my Momma's home. I love my Momma!

BC: Yeah. Yeah. She's the best thing ever. BARF! 
EM: SEE?!?! I appreciate her ... I should go first. Move out of the way!
BC: I said she was the best thing ever too!
EM: Only because you broke that thing in the closet. 
BC: That's not why I said that! Besides, Momma said I'm not allowed to tell anyone what I did unless I admit to her that I did it. But moving on ... my Momma IS the best thing ever. I'm a Momma's boy all the way, baby.
EM: What about the attitude?
BC: I'm a Momma's boy with a mind of my own.
EM: Are you saying I don't have a mind of my ...
BC: FINE! I get to be first to greet Momma - and you can be first in her lap.
EM: Momma's lap?!?! YAY!!!
{The door opens}
BC and EM at the same time: MOMMA!
EM: Bear was being mean! He kept farting in the room I was in and then taking off.
BC: She slobbered over an ENTIRE BOWL of food.
EM: HE still ate it. He licked my butt!
BC: Because you kept shoving it in my face.
EM: He tried to flush me down the toilet.
BC: That's where poop goes!
EM: He stole my sparkle ball! AND LOST IT!

BC: Maybe you're looking in all the wrong places. You won't find a sparkle ball in my barf.
EM: I wasn't looking for a sparkle ball in your barf ... I was eating ...
BC: I'm so glad you're home, Momma!
EM: Pet me, Momma! Pet me!!!
BC: NO! I get to go first! Pet me!
EM: Move or I'll make you.
MK: I have two hands ... one for each of you.
EM: But it's not the same!
BC: Yeah! I don't want to share! Two handed rubs are my favorite.
EM: Maybe if you kept your fangs and claws to yourself ...
BC: Maybe if you stopped loving everything and saying how everything's your favorite.
EM: It's not my fault I'm a loving girl.
BC: It's not MY fault I'm not a sissy pansy and I have a mind of my own.
EM: That's another way of describing a jerk!
BC: I'm not a jerk! I'm a Momma's ...
EM: Momma?!? Bear was mean to me all weekend!! It was HORRIBLE!

{Pause as the cats look around}
BC: Where'd she go?
EM: She was here just a second ago.
BC: Great. You chased her off with all your whining.
EM: You're the one that was being a pain!
BC: Clearly she didn't want to see you.
EM: Or you.
BC: I'd shut up before ...
MK: ENOUGH!!! You're without me for a few days and you can't do anything but argue even when I'm here.
BC: She started ...
EM: HE started ...
BC: Wait a ... you locked the door.
MK: Yeah.
BC: No one else is coming?
MK: No.
BC: REALLY?!?! This is the best day ever!
MK: What are you ...
BC: The Boy's not coming back??
EM: WHAT?!?! My Daddy would never abandon me! I love my Daddy and he loves me!

BC: He'd have no choice if Momma shoved him in a carrier like she does to us.
MK: We didn't leave together, remember? He left the day after me.
BC: Phht. I hope you buried the body well. If you go to prison and I have to be left alone with SMELLIE ... I'LL accrue dead bodies.
MK: Okay, okay. The Boy is coming home tomorrow night. Everyone relax.
BC: Phht. You totally killed him. Frankly, I'm surprised it took you so long! He'll go missing ...
EM: {GASP} NOOOOOOO! I love my Daddy! Not quite as much as my Momma ... but you know.
MK: You two want to see pictures?
BC: Of the dead body?! I KNEW IT! One can only live with a Dweebler for a short period of time.
EM: HEY! I'm not going anywhere.
BC: You won't have a choice.
EM: You didn't really hurt Daddy, did you, Momma?
BC: Like she's going to CONFESS. 
{Momma sits at the computer}
MK: Calling all kittens! Calling all kittens! I have a lap ...
BC: {jumping on Momma's lap} Oof. Don't look so surprised, Momma!
MK: Look at ...
BC: What are these? Are all of these pictures of your niece and her birthday cake? Or did you get a shot of you picking your nose or pulling your underwear out of your butt? Because that's gold. Just saying.
EM: HEY! You said that if you greeted her first, I'd get her lap first!

BC: You make it too easy sometimes. 
EM: But that's MY lap! You PROMISED!
BC: {under his breath} It's not MY fault you're a class A sucker ... 

EM: FINE! I've been screwed. I'll just sit over here ALL ALONE. BY MYSELF. FORLORN. SAD. LAPLESS. The cold, hard suitcase will let me lay on it. BY MYSELF. Away from laps and love. At least IT appreciates me. My Daddy would never let me be marginalized like this.
BC: It would be better if the suitcase were in the corner ... far away from the moment my Momma and I are having, Could you be any more dramati ... {Bear looks at Momma's computer screen} {GASP}. What the fuzzy nipple ants ...

{Pause}
BC:  YOU WENT TO A TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN FARM WITHOUT ME!
MK: No, see, these are ...
BC: Oh. I see how it is. You get in your tasty whole chicken fix away from me because you don't want to share.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! In this one you're SMILING!!! Like you're PROUD of leaving me at home to fend for myself while you commune with the chickens on a farm! That smile MOCKS me!

{Pause}
BC: A chicken on the side!
EM: I thought chicken usually comes with a couple sides vs. being the side itself. Sides like potatoes or vegetables or something.
BC: I can't believe this! You GO AWAY to get your chicken fix instead of having them here. And after all your lectures on SHARING. You should be ashamed of ...
{Pause}
BC: OH! That one looks tasty! You didn't happen to bring it home with you?
EM: I'm sure she already ate it.
BC: Just rub it ...
MK: NO! I didn't really go to a tasty whole chicken farm. I just thought it would make a funny joke.
BC: Oh SURE. Make a joke about your chicken-less, starving, innocent kitty cat.
EM: Then she wouldn't be making a joke about you. Because, while you might be chicken-less, you are not starving or innocent.
BC: HEY! When I finally nab this chicken ring, you don't get any! 
EM: You couldn't catch a chicken if it were in your shark bed.
BC: Hey. I know how to deal with and respond to disrespect. Phht. I'm disrespected twenty ways to Thursday because Momma went to the tasty whole chicken farm WITHOUT me. FINE! You want to withhold from me? {jumping down} No more lap cat for YOU!
EM: MY TURN!!! WOO-HOO! I love you, Momma! You're the best thing ever. But that facial tissue box will never be the same.

BC: The BOX!?!? What about ME?!?
MK: What exactly ... BEAR!
BC: I didn't do it.
MK: Why are all my facial tissues on the floor out of the box?
BC: Oh. THAT. The box was taunting me so I taught it a lesson.
EM: Really? Because it looked like you got one of your claws stuck in the hole you punctured in the box.
BC: It was attacking me! I almost DIED and all you can do is laugh at me! I hope a facial tissue box attacks you and you see what it's like. You won't be laughing then. This is NOT a good day. Yeah, Momma's home ... but ... First, I find out you went to a tasty whole chicken farm without me ... and then you take the box's side! How can you live with yourself and abuse such a sweet and ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! I still can't say that with a straight face!
MK: If it makes you feel any better, I fell off the chair I was standing on to get the chicken-mallows down.
BC: Hmph. That's what you get! Wait ... why is your hand wrapped like that?! Weird! I've heard of fat going to one's behind ... but yours goes to your hand?
MK: It's swollen. I hurt my hand when I fell off the chair.
BC: Hahahahaha. Cosmic smackdown, party of one! Only you could manage to hurt yourself creeping around behind my back! And your evil deeds left you with a little momento. You visit a chicken farm without me ...
EM: And what do you think will happen to you because of the facial tissue box?
BC: That's DIFFERENT. That box had it coming. I'm the karma-nic police of the universe. 
EM: So you're above the law?
BC: Phht. Better than being under it. Do you have the chair dive on video?
MK: No.
BC: RATS! Because that would be hilarious. And I should know. I've seen you take a dive off a chair before. Several times. Well worth charging admission. Thank goodness I've never had to give you mouth to mouth! Eww.
MK: Right. Time to unpack.
{Ellie runs to Momma's suitcase and hops on it}
EM: But ... but ... I wasn't done laying on it yet! This suitcase is the best thing EVER!

BC: BARF. Stupid women. They can't ever make up their minds. You sneeze and everything changes.
MK: Ellie! I need to unpack and get this suitcase out of the way.
BC: Smellie's right where she always is ... IN THE WAY. Did you bring any tasty whole chickens back with you?
MK: No.
BC: Serves you right! Don't move, Smellie!
EM: {flipping her tail around} Well, if there were treats in here ... or catnip ... but if you came back with nothing for us ... Bear's right!
BC: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH! 
EM: HEY! Get off me! I was here first! This is MY suitcase!
BC: Hmph. Whatever.
EM: HEY! That's my tail!
BC: Then stop flicking it all over the place!
EM: I've had it with you being mean to me! I might be a nice cat, but I have my limits!
BC: Phht. Like it's MY fault you're a ...
EM: I'm a WHAT?!
BC: Err ... umm ... you sure look like you mean business ...
{Ellie chases Bear down the hall}
MK: {sigh} What does it say about me that I missed this?
{The cats chase each other around and wrestle like mad while Momma unpacks and gets ready for bed}
MK: Bed time!
EM: {jumping on the bed} OH! ME! ME! Hi, Momma!
MK: Wow. You've never laid on me on the bed. Usually, you just lay at the foot of the ...
BC: {jumping up on the bed} HUH?! What's SHE doing here?

EM: Look at my tail, Momma! Isn't it pretty?!?!
BC: Oh, great.
MK: Are you dancing for me?
EM: Uh huh! Aren't I pretty?!
BC: Phht. If I have to share this bed with you ... SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
EM: {laying on Momma's chest} HMPH!
BC: HEY! That's MY spot!
EM: Too bad. So sad.
BC: I'm not putting up with this ...
{Ellie whaps Bear}
BC: HEY! MOMMA! Smellie just whapped me in the ...
{Ellie whaps Bear harder this time}
BC: That's IT! I'm not putting up with this!
EM: I DARE YOU!
{They both jump off the bed and chase each other around the house}
MK: Home. Where the claws and fangs are. They always seem thicker than thieves when I get home from a trip.
BC: STOP TOUCHING ME!
EM: THEN STOP LOOKING AT ME!
BC: Oh, SHUT UP!
EM: NO! YOU shut up!
BC: I'll make you ...
{Momma eventually falls asleep and wakes up an hour later will each cat curled into opposite sides. Bear's snoring lightly and Ellie's bushy tail is wrapped around her.}
MK: {smiling} Perfection. Now only if The Boy were here ...
{Momma falls back asleep with a smile on her face}

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40 comments:

  1. You two are impossible! How does your Mom cope with your tussles !?!??

    and those are real Peeps!

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  2. Hmm... Well, EM, Bear does have a point. Seniority does matter. Some. But losing your precious sparkly ball, that was just meaness.

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    Replies
    1. Phht. She's lost like 7832 ... I lose one and everyone's so upset! ~Bear Cat

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  3. What's with the farting, kitties? Meant to ask that before!

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    Replies
    1. We learned it from The Boy! Okay, okay ... not really. We were champion farters before he came along ;)

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  4. You two are too much! That's so cute how you fight about who gets to greet your momma first.

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    Replies
    1. Momma's sure it really happened to! Both cats greeted her at the door - Bear first.

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  5. Ellie isn't very nice, is she, Bear? And then she pretends to be all nice to MK cos she's using her. I must say I'm disappointed. I thought your MK went to the KFC plant or something.

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    Replies
    1. You see through her act too! My Momma actually does see ... for the first couple weeks we had Ellie, she thought Ellie was innocent. Then she started observing ... and "BEAR" was uttered less across the land. ~Bear Cat

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  6. Absence totally makes the heart grow fonder. 😍

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  7. "What the fuzzy nipple ants ..." Bear, you kill us!!! I don't think those are your kinds of chicken though...

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    Replies
    1. They do look a little odd for tasty whole chickens ... ~Bear Cat

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  8. AMARULA: Oh Bear--I think it's sweet when you show your soft side and how much you love your momma! You are the perfect balance between terror and tender!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Amarula. After comments about me being a bad boy, I was starting to question whether I go to far. I'm glad to know I'm just perfect for you. ~Bear Cat

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  9. Hey Bear, don’t eat those yellow chickens, they’re not ripe yet!

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  10. I totally wonder about the dynamic between you two when you were all alone. Amazingly, Annie and Pierrot get along better when we've been away and they've only had a cat sitter come in once a day. I think you two were running around all crazy because you were happy your mamma was home. If I had you two curling up on either of side of me, I'd be smiling too.

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    Replies
    1. They always seem closer when we get back - I love it. They almost seem to enjoy each other!

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  11. That was not the tasty whole chicken farm I was expecting :)

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  12. Glad you taught that tissue box a lesson! Tissue boxes can be real bullies! Glad your mom is home and hope her hand is OK. My assistant is clumsy and often falls of chairs (and other things).

    P.S.: This is Ruby from The Daily Pip. We changed our blog name to My Rescued Life - but wanted you to know, it's still us. Your comment went through, too! Thanks.

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  13. Um, we're not sure those yellow chickens are tasty in the way you think, Bear!

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    Replies
    1. So you mean they're non-tasty whole chickens? Because I'm not entirely particular ... ~Bear Cat

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  14. Hmm, marshmallow chicks seem a bit to squidgy for my liking, give me a good old fashioned hairy mouse any time, day or night. Bear, don't worry, you not been stiffed on the chickens, and wouldnt like those ones anyways. In fact you've been saved from getting flabulous maximouse posterious. Fatty bum disease, MOL Maybe text the boy and see if he can bring some proper chickens for you?
    Toodle pips and purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. So you mean they're non-tasty whole chickens? Because I'm not entirely particular ... ~Bear Cat

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  15. Marshmallow chicks?! Those are some of the best kind! They are sweet to the tongue and go "cheep cheep" when you lick them. But they don't last around my house. Mom seems to get uncontrollable urges to eat my stock, though she claims they "just flew away." Right... You might want to hide your stock of yellow chicks, Bear & Ellie. Tee hee hee.

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    Replies
    1. They FLY?!?! With the pigs?!? Asking for a friend ... ~Bear Cat

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  16. guyz.....we waz scared ta reed yur post two day what with de title
    N all.... N de mor we reeded... de mor we calmed down... then we like YELLED
    .....PEEPZ !!!!!!...thanx bee ta all de cod in de seaz it waz knot reel
    bass terd chcikn ~~~~~~~ phew ~~~~~~~~~~~

    ;) ☺☺♥♥

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    Replies
    1. The only good chicken is a fried chicken ... ;) ~Bear Cat

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  17. There's no place like home, right, Momma? Even if it is a little crazy.♥

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  18. Yep, mommy says she can't sleep at all ifin we're not on the bed with her. she says we're bootyful all the time, but when we're sleepin' uis when we're at our most gawjus. We can't 'magine what she's talkin' 'bout. Great fotos. Glad you had a fun trip and are furinally back home where you belong. Big hugs fur all.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. That's the worst of The Boy being here ... Bear doesn't sleep with me anymore :(

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  19. Oh Bear, we really feel for you having to share your mom like that.

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  20. Bear and Ellie...I hear you on the incompetence of office help. I will gladly forward any extra applicants
    Hugs madi your bfff

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