Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Playing favorites

The Boy: Momma's fiance
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat


{The Boy walks in the front door}
The Boy: I'm home!
BC: NOT THE MOMMA!
EM: What? You were gone?
The Boy: I was at work all day!
EM: HERE?
BC: NOT THE MOMMA!
The Boy: No. Did you see me at all today?
EM: Well, no. But I was busy snuggling with Momma.
The Boy: Great. And you're MY cat.
EM: Not really.
BC: NOT THE MOMMA!

The Boy: STOP SAYING NOT THE MOMMA! I get your point!
BC: Good. But you're still here. If you got my point ...
The Boy: Yes, I'm starting to see the order of things around here. What else were you up to today?
EM: I played with my sparkle ball. Then I lost my sparkle ball under the couch. Then I got it back. Then I lost it again and ...
BC: Oh, brother. This is RIVETING! How could it POSSIBLY end?
EM: You didn't play with my sparkle ball!
BC: What?
EM: You said, "oh, brother," in relation to my sparkle ball but you - my brother - never touched my sparkle ball. 
BC: My balls are even better than sparkle balls. All smart girls would see that.
EM: I don't see it!
BC: I rest my case.
EM: Take that back!
The Boy: Balls? You have balls? We better take you to the vet for a refund.
EM: Yeah, right. You'd be lucky to get a dirty litter box in exchange for him. In fact, they probably PAID Momma to take him!
BC: Can she really be that stupid?
EM: Can you really be that ugly?
The Boy: That's my girl.
EM: But I'm MOMMA'S pretty girl! Do you want to see my tail? Because my tail is really pretty and everyone likes to admire it.

BC: We all know it intimately. The black menace. BARF!
EM: It's not nice to talk about Daddy like that.
The Boy: Wait ... WHAT?! 
EM: Bear called you the black menace.
The Boy: When did I become the butt of all the jokes around here?
BC: Ummm ... when you moved in? And because you're a butt? Hahahahahahaha.
{Pause}
BC: NOT. THE. MOMMA. I didn't call The Boy the black menace though. Yeah. I've said a lot about him - most of it inappropriate - especially in relation to the butt end.
EM: Then who's a black menace?
{Pause}
EM: Wait a minute ... OOOOOOOH.
BC: Well, that explains it.
{Pause as Bear looks both ways}
EM: Daddy, do you want to chase me?
The Boy: I'm tired, Baby Girl.
EM: Err ... let me amend that ... Daddy WILL you chase me?
The Boy: Ummm ...
EM: If you chase me, you'll be my favorite person ever.
The Boy: You said that last night. And the night before that. But you didn't even know I was gone today!
EM: Err ... I was busy. With Momma. We have a rigorous cuddling schedule and I didn't want to let her lap down.
The Boy: Ellie ...
EM: Err ... I mean it this time!
The Boy: Says the cat who spends most of the day snuggling with Momma.
BC: You're telling me! She puts a real crimp in my Bear and Momma time! Not a crimp ... more like a TANK.
EM: Okay. Okay. So I didn't notice you were gone. But you're still my Daddy!
The Boy: That's true.
EM: So you'll chase me?
The Boy: Maybe later.
EM: You said that last night and then you forgot!
BC: Most cats would take that as a cue. He "forgot." Hahaha.
EM: That's what I just said! Anyway. I had a horrible day.
BC: Snuggling with Momma? Because that meant I had a horrible day.
EM: So I had a sparkle ball ... and then I lost it under the couch ... and then I got it out ... and then I lost it again ... then I found it ... then I taught it a lesson and gave it a good whack and it taught me a lesson and got stuck behind the couch. 

{Pause}
EM: It was HORRIBLE! My life was OVER!
BC: Here we go again. You sounded like a dying cricket mixed with a constipated train. A-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! A-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
EM: Don't be ridiculous. I was louder than that.
The Boy: Did Momma get it out for you? She's good about that.
EM: YEAH! You give her a hard time for bothering to rescue my toys!
The Boy: You two have so many toys, it would take years for you to lose all of them.
EM: SEE?!?! That's why Momma's are the best!
BC: And NOT THE MOMMAs are just ... there. 
EM: Err ... I mean, YOU'D be the best if you chased me but since you won't ...
BC: Smellie howled for an entire hour before Momma got a clue and rescued her sparkle ball.
The Boy: I bet it was a happy reunion.
BC: Just wait ...

EM: But ... but ... then I lost it again. And I found it. And I lost it ...
BC: Yep. There it is. RIVETING. I wonder what happens next.
The Boy: That sounds horrible!
BC: It was. For the rest of us.
EM: I wasn't done telling you what happened yet.
BC: Yellie ... up close and personal.
EM: If you weren't stupid, I wouldn't have to yell at you!
BC: You yell at Momma all day long! You don't think she's stupid too, do you?
EM: She did adopt you ...
BC: And then the neighborhood went south and she made all bad choices after that.
EM: Our NEIGHBORHOOD moved south for the winter? I'm glad it came back!
BC: {sigh} NO! She let The Boy and you move in!
EM: I think you have it confused.
BC: Be very careful ... you're walking on thin ice.
EM: Oh no! That's really bad! I don't even feel the cold.
BC: {sigh} Bless her heart. Her brain just doesn't engage.
EM: Then I lost my sparkle ball again, and then I switched sparkle balls because the green one was prettier than the red one I was playing with ...

BC: She can go on for hours. Women. I used to think it was rude when you don't listen to what Momma says ... but when words are a waterfall of poop ...
EM: Why are you so grumpy?
BC: Didn't we already cover that? You stick your tail right in the middle of Bear/Momma time AND then you never shut up!
EM: Oh, right. I love you, Momma. You're the best thing ever.
The Boy: HEY!
EM: OH! You'll chase me?
The Boy: No. I was saying hey because you just said your Momma was the best thing ever.
EM: You wouldn't chase me!
The Boy: Neither has your Momma!
EM: She gets special allowances for being a Momma. 
The Boy: Why wasn't I born a Momma?
{Pause}
The Boy: That sounded better in my head.
{Silence as Bear thinks}
BC: Sheesh. One Momma is bad enough ... but TWO? There would be no peace between them and Yellie. Then again, if I had two Mommas there'd be no stupid boy, so ... worth considering.

EM: You're right! Boys ARE stupid!
The Boy: HEY!
EM: Well, I mean except you, Daddy.
The Boy: If I was a Momma, then you couldn't call me Not The Momma.
BC: But I could still call you everything else.
EM: Daddy can't be a Momma! He doesn't have ... err ... MOMMA STUFF.
The Boy: I knew it was a mistake to let Momma feed you. I'm screwed.
EM: You'd let us starve? I mean, I'm glad you let Momma feed us ... if you wouldn't let her feed me, you would be the WORST person in the world.
BC: This from the mobile airplane hanger.
The Boy: NO! I was talking about how much more bonded you both are to your Momma because she feeds you.
BC: Yeah. THAT'S why. NOT THE MOMMA.
EM: But she also clips our claws and brushes our teeth.
The Boy: You don't see me doing that!
BC: To be honest, I don't see you doing ANYTHING.
The Boy: Haha.
EM: I don't get it. What's so funny about the truth?
The Boy: HEY!
BC: Smellie Neigh deals with the hay around here.
The Boy: I don't see you and Ellie lifting a paw.
BC: Now that's just completely unfair! I use my paw to whack Smellie all the time.
EM: HE DOES! And he finally admits it!
BC: RATS! Sisters are tricky!
EM: And brothers are stupid.
BC: Not as stupid as NOT THE MOMMAS!
The Boy: Oh, yeah? Well, you're a NOT THE MOMMA too!
BC: {GASP} I AM NOT!
The Boy: Are you a Momma?
BC: Well, no!
The Boy: Then you're a NOT THE MOMMA!
{Silence as the gears turn in Bear's head and he processes this unfortunate revelation ...}

EM: MIND. BLOWN. Not that it's hard for him to have his mind blown ... 
BC: Oh, shut up!
EM: YOU shut up!
BC: Bite me!
EM: I'm a NICE cat!
BC: That's not the word I'd use.
The Boy: Be nice to your sister!
EM: I can handle my stupid brother by myself, Daddy!
MK: Oh yeah? Then why do I have to rescue you from him from time to time. That's not a squeal of delight.
EM: Is it dinner time yet?

*** The conclusion of this post was written by The Boy ... enjoy! ***
{It’s dinnertime in the Momma Kat household. The Boy is eating rotisserie chicken for dinner.....Bear walks into the room}.
BC: *SNIIIIIIIIIF* Okay, something smells good. Wait, is Momma here? Oh no, she left and someone that can cook showed up!
The Boy: Hey Bear.
BC: Hey, Stupid. Wait....that smell....you have.....chi....chick.....CHICKEN?!
The Boy: Yes, I do. Why?
BC: YOU have a tasty whole chicken?!
The Boy: Yes, I do....or rather, I used to. Now it’s a tasty whole chicken in pieces!
BC: GAAAASP! You ..... have chicken ..... and you didn't give it to your sweet, loving, cuddly {choke} {gasp} {barf} BuddyBear?
The Boy: Do you want some?
BC: What kind of stupid quest.....wait, you’re stupid. I should not expect anything but stupid from you.
The Boy: Well?
BC: Yes ...... please. That’s painful to say.
The Boy: Here you go BuddyBear. You’re a good boy. 
{A small piece of chicken is placed on Bear’s plate}.
BC: Oh good! A tasty whole chicken is finally .... wait. Where is it?
The Boy: It’s right in front of you, stupid!
BC: THAT is NOT a tasty whole chicken! I thought you were my ..... {gag} friend! That’s a PIECE of chicken! Hey Dumbnuts, you were SUPPOSED to give me a tasty WHOLE chicken!
The Boy: Did I say that at any time?
BC: That’s behind the point! You said you had chicken!
The Boy: I do. Don’t you mean beside the point?
BC: The day I’m corrected by a Dumbnuts like you is the day I......wait....that’s today. 
{Pause}
BC: So give me the chicken!

The Boy: I did. It’s on your plate! 
{Pause}
The Boy: Ellie! Come get a piece of chicken!

EM: Oh goody! My Daddy’s the bestest ever! I love you, Daddy!
MK: Aww. Aren’t you sweet to give the cats some chicken. Wait, why isn’t bear eating his?
The Boy: He is demanding the entire chicken. Again. Sigh.
BC: Unless you want me to introduce you to my twenty two very sharp friends, the tasty whole chicken you promised WILL appear before me. 
MK: I didn’t hear him say anything about giving you a tasty whole chicken, Bear. 
BC: Oh, shut up!
The Boy: How about you eat the piece I left for you, Bear? Hey, where did it go?
EM: Buuuuurp. ‘scuse me. Sorry.
BC: SMELLIE STOLE MY CHICKEN! Daddy, make her give it back!
The Boy: Daddy?
BC: Oh whatever. Where is my chicken?
The Boy: {a
s he sets a piece of chicken before Bear} Here you go, Buddybear.  You’re welcome. 
BC: I did NOT thank you! But this is pretty good, so......okay, you can stay for a little while longer.
MK: I’m glad he has your permission.
BC: You’re both still here? I.....oh heck.....I love you, Momma. Snuggles?
MK: Of course, Bug. I love you, Bug.
The Boy: Oh, for Pete’s sake.
*** The conclusion of this post was written by The Boy ... what did you think? ***

Featured posts:
Bear's previous uses of the term, "Not the Momma:"

44 comments:

  1. Aww, that must have all been a bad dream, as in the real world you would have got a whole chicken, Bear, and the boy wouldn't have been so nice... or maybe so hard. I'm not sure but so hard with humans as they are confusing at best, MOL Still it's great to know Ellie is the same in whatever state.... Now theres a thought, Bear, maybe see if they have a vacancy for an Elie in say Montana?
    Toodle pips and happy whole tasty chicken purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Boy did a GREAT JOB with the ending!

    P.S.: Bear, while I'm sure your balls are very nice ...those sparkle bars really are the best thing ever and when they go bye-bye under the couch it is like the end of the world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the compliment. I am nowhere near the writer that Katherine (The Momma Kat) is though.

      Delete
  3. Some chicken is lots better than no chicken Bear! Hey Bear, don't feel bad, my balls lost their sparkle a long time ago MOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bear didn't agree. After I gave it to him, he clawed me when I tried to pet him.

      Delete
  4. WE have to agree, a litte chicken is better than none. The boy did a great job ending the story. You are all a riot. Have a good day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the compliment. I am nowhere near the quality writer that Katherine is, though.

      Delete
  5. Surprising that Bear didn't come a'running the very second that the chicken entered the house! The Boy did a terrific job posting, but we are a bit concerned that Ellie Mae is a bit 'weird' about those sparkly balls!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the compliment. Of course, I am not the writer that Katherine is.

      Delete
    2. No kidding! What's WRONG with her and her obsession with balls?! Even I don't relish balls that much. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. guyz....de boy did a grate job with de conclooshunz oh thiz post !!! 984 pawz up ta dad
    tho we canna agreez bout hiz coiz oh dinner.....just sayin....

    and ellie I truly enjoyed your saga about the sparkle ball and I'm hoping today's episode
    is as much fun and filled with as much excitement but please don't get hoarse from yowling
    and maybe some time try one in yellow with hugs from dai$y =^..*= ♥♥♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SHE NEVER SHUTS UP! I'm telling you ... she's worse than Momma AND The Boy combined! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. The boy did a great job concluding the post. Hey Bear! If you can't have a tasty whole chicken, a piece of it is much better than none.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the compliment. I am nowhere near the writer that Katherine is, though. You know, I thought Bear would be grateful for the piece of chicken.....then he clawed me when I tried to pet him.

      Delete
  8. Awww, Ellie, you are so cute! We love how much you love your sparkle ball. (And yes, your tail is very pretty.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. YOU totally completely make my day, week and month! I loved this.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Replies
    1. HEY! Bear should be grateful he got any of my dinner! But, we do love him, so....

      Delete
    2. BARF! Of course he was stingy! I don't get anything around here! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  11. .. there is really no winning with cats, The Boy. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Bear still got chicken after he insulted The Boy (again). Bear is lucky.

    ReplyDelete
  13. We think the boy did great writing the end of the post. Purrs

    ReplyDelete
  14. AMARULA: Well, the stupid human laughed and said she thinks the boy has talent! I don't give a damn about talent--I'm with you--i want to know where that WHOLE tasty chicken he promised you went!?? How dare he just give you a PIECE! what is he thinking!!! And by the way, unlike the Boy, I was truly riveted by your sparkly ball story!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Err ... that was SMELLIE'S sparkle ball story. "Oooh! It sparkles! This is the best thing ever." BARF! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  15. The Boy did a great job! Ellie, Woodrow wants you to know that we have sparkly balls over here that you can play with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sparkle balls ... laps ... Woodrow ... what else could a lady cat want? ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  16. Poor Ellie, I hope Santa brings you a whole bag of sparkly balls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I HAD a whole bag of sparkle balls! Make it ten bags! That should last me a week! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  17. Ellie, I'm surprised the bloom is off the rose regarding your daddy. I bet if he starts rescuing your sparkle balls, he'll be #1 again. By the way, he did a great job writing the end of your post! Bear, you really don't want a piece of chicken? Isn't that akin to throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, see, he doesn't rescue my sparkle balls! It's true that I can get a lot of them out myself ... but without my Momma, I'd be sparkle-ball-less! ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  18. I never realized how hard a life it is to be a cat. Lost sparkle balls definitely ruin the day. Hope it gets getter. Maybe a GPS on those sparkly things? With a remote control to come back. Yeah...definitely a remote control feature.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I guess some chicken is better than no chicken, Bear, even though you had your taste buds set on a whole one. I wonder if whole chickens are few and hard to find these days. [Gasping] I wonder if they've been thinned out by clans for dogs or wolves?! Sorry, forget I even said that. No, there ARE plenty of tasty whole chickens around somewhere. I think they're just hanging out in some cushy farm getting a spa treatment and getting themselves all plumped up with food so when they arrive at your house they'll make the best dinner for you ever! Tee hee hee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Momma hides them with her tank and bazookas. I have yet to figure out where that is! ~Bear Cat

      Delete