Tuesday, November 20, 2018

The rights of The People ... err ... and cats

Bear Cat and The Boy discuss the Second Amendment ... and Bear goes a bit berserk searching for things on the internet [a $90,000 tank?!].

The Boy: Momma's fiance
BC: Bear Cat
EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat

The Boy: I don't know what about the right to bear arms confuses people.
BC: Umm ... I'm okay with bare arms ... as long as pants are worn. Pants are DEFINITELY required. But bare arms are actually better for me. My bite goes further than when Momma wears sweatshirts. I HATE WINTER! 
The Boy: What?
BC: Yes, I know. My arms and legs are always bared - but I have handsome stripe-y pants. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
The Boy: I don't even know where to start. I'm referring to the Bill of Rights.
BC: A bill?!? Momma's going to be really ticked off! Last time I used her credit card, I got in big trouble! She doesn't know about ...
MK: Bear?!
BC: Nothing! You don't know about anything! No. Wait. Not you don't know about anything. You're smart - for a human anyway. You know a lot of things ... but I mean there's nothing I'm hiding. 
EM: What about ...
BC: SHHHHHHHHH! Then again, Momma, you don't know nearly as much stuff as I do ... being the fine specimen of intelligence that I am ... 
EM: And you never SHUT UP!
BC: Look who's talking! Isn't there a hot dog stand somewhere near here that you can knock over?
EM: You're usually the one that knocks stuff over. That doesn't sound nice. And I'm a nice cat. I don't want any part of your evil plans.
BC: No. See ... it means you rob the stand of all their hot dogs.
EM: That's still not ...
BC: They're not ACTUAL hot dogs! No. The hot dogs aren't real.
{Pause}
BC: I mean they are real - but they're not hot ...
{Pause}
BC: Now wait a minute ... they aren't dogs like in the animal. I mean, they're made of animals, just not dogs. And they are hot.
{Pause}
EM: COOL! Where's the nearest hot dog stand?

BC: If only it were that easy to get rid of her.
MK: Bear! Your sister will never be a little thief.
BC: Umm ... OBVIOUSLY. She'd be a HUGE one!
MK: I walked into that.
The Boy: He asked about the right to bear arms.
MK: You're going to regret this. By now, you should know better than entering into an intellectual conversation with Bear ... 
BC: Phht. If you call what he possesses intellect.
MK: I hear Ellie meowing. Bye!
EM: No, Momma! I'm right here!
MK: Err ... I have to go find something ...
EM: AWWWWW. I was really hoping for a lap.
MK: Come on. We'll cuddle on the bed.
BC: You humans have the right to bare your arms? Only a human would come up with that. What about the right to bare feet? Or bare knees? Leave it to humans to make arbitrary laws about arcane and inane things. It's like, "I'm a human. I like the sound of my own voice. Therefore I'm going to make up a bunch of nonsense laws to make myself feel powerful."
The Boy: That's not exactly what it means. Bear as in B-E-A-R ... not bare.
BC: Ooooooooooooh! Cool. So all Americans have the right to my arms? Somehow that makes even less sense. I don't really like being petted on my arms - but it's just like a human to think one has a right to them!
The Boy: What?
BC: The right to Bear's arms.
The Boy: NO! The right to bare ... I mean bear ... oh, never mind. It's called the Bill of Rights.
BC: Sheesh! Bill of Rights? I'm going to have to check those out. I'm going to have to look this up.
{Pause as Bear looks at Momma's computer and The Boy makes a hasty exit}
EM: {coming back out} I thought Momma said you're not allowed to use her computer.
BC: HEY! Those kitties were of legal age! Err ... well, maybe not the torties ... but every man has at least one weakness.
EM: Oh, brother.
BC: Me, what?
EM: You're my brother. And you're stupid.
{Pause}
EM: Bless your heart. I suppose you can't help it.
BC: Can't you see I'm busy? I'm learning important stuffs. 
EM: How to get your paws on a tank?
BC: Well, now that you say it ... I'll look that up next.
{Pause}
BC: No, wait. I'll do that first ... search ... buy a tank ...
{Pause}
BC: WHAAAAAAAT?!?!? The cheapest tank is over ninety thousand dollars! QUICK! Check Momma's purse. Surely she wouldn't miss so little money ...

EM: OH! SCORE!!!
BC: I knew this would be good! How much money is in there?
EM: A tuna treat! In the bottom of Momma's purse!
BC: I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
EM: Why not?
BC: {chewing} Because I am. What do you have in your piggy bank?
EM: Our wet food treat.
BC: NO! MONEY!
EM: Why would I eat money?
BC: {sigh} How much money do you have?
EM: I don't have any money.
BC: Then how am I going to buy a tank?
EM: What would you do with a tank?
BC: Run over stuff.
EM: You don't think that'll get old?
BC: Do you know me at all?
EM: I see. You using your claws and fangs never gets old. I think maintenance would cost more than the tank itself.
BC: Maintenance?
EM: It takes a lot of work to maintain a tank.
BC: WHAT?!? So now you are the resident expert on tanks? Let me tell you how to maintain a tank - whack it if it even looks at you funny. RESPECT.
EM: Yes, my brother ... the only cat stupid enough to fight his own ninety-thousand dollar tank.
BC: Phht. Tanks don't have fangs and claws. BOO-YAH.
EM: Umm ... you do realize tanks are heavy metal that you can't just bite through?
BC: Look at you, genius tank expert. 
{Pause}
BC: NOT. Besides, The Boy said we have the right to bear arms. Then again, I might just not understand the human nonsense. But a right to bear arms? Like a tank. Or a bazooka! I wonder if bazookas are more economical. New search ... buy a bazooka ...
EM: You're going to get in BIG trouble if Momma catches you! You'll be grounded FOREVER if the FBI knocks on our door tomorrow morning because of your searches.
BC: It's not like I'm looking into how to blow up a building ... hmmm ... 

{Pause as Bear thinks}
BC: Yet. That's another good one. Too bad I didn't think of that before my yearly vet visit. I should write this list down so I don't forget. Also include, "how to get rid of pests."
EM: Don't you think a tank or bazooka is a bit too far?
BC: Every self-respecting cat should have a bazooka for self-defense. Bazookas are WAY cheaper than tanks! I'd say every self-respecting cat should have a tank too - but it's not really attainable by the masses. 
EM: Thank goodness for that.
BC: As I said ... every SELF-RESPECTING cat. You're not exactly included in that category.
EM: I thought your first goal was to buy a tasty whole chicken farm.
BC: Priorities, Smellie. Priorities.
EM: I have priorities! 
BC: What? Laps? Food?
EM: And other stuff.
BC: Like what?
EM: I don't have to tell you.
BC: CHICKEN CANNON!
EM: Excuse me?
BC: How to buy a chicken cannon ...
EM: I really think running these searches is a bad idea.
{Pause as Bear notices a wand toy moving in front of his face}
BC: OOH! I've got it! I've got it! Wait ...
{Pause}
BC: Phht! NICE TRY. Distract me from my important business. Can't you see I'm busy! Get that thing out of my face or your face will look like that wand toy.

EM: I'm just trying to keep you out of trouble!
BC: I'm BAD TO THE BONE. No one keeps Bear Cat Kat out of trouble.
MK: {walking back into the room} Bear?
BC: Err ... except for her. No. Wait. She's the source of all my troubles. Err ... I mean she's the source of all my troubles about my trouble. And she's got eyes in the back of her head. I hope she doesn't see ...

MK: BEAR CAT KAT! 
BC: RATS! I didn't do it!
MK: You didn't search for ...
{Pause as Momma reads}
MK: BUYING A TANK?!?!
BC: Err ... that I did. But I didn't buy one!
MK: You know you're not allowed to use my computer.
BC: Sheesh. A cat changes the screen saver ONE time! Err ... and the wallpaper. Oh. And the e-mails. They even let you out of the contract to buy the tasty whole chicken farm! No permanent damage ... err ... yet.
MK: {sigh} Some battles just aren't worth fighting. Leave my settings alone and don't change anything! OH! I have to remember to clip Bear's claws tonight.
BC: I don't think so. The Boy said as an American, I have the right to bear arms. Tell her! Tell her!
The Boy: The Bill of Rights doesn't apply to cats.
BC: WHAT?! Who made up that nonsense? We OWN this country! This is just a ploy to keep good cats down!

The Boy: Sorry. The second amendment protects people.
BC: So which amendment protects cats?
The Boy: Err ... none of them.
BC: Humans require protections only because they are too stupid to keep themselves out of trouble.
{Pause}
BC: Let me tell YOU ... cats get things right the FIRST TIME. We don't need any of this amendment crap. Much less TWO - how many more are there?
The Boy: Eight.
BC: That's a whole lot of ...
The Boy: It's not the same amendment amended ten times. Each amendment is different.
BC: Oh, yeah! FANCY PANTS. FINE! I'll make our OWN bill of rights that will put yours to shame! Who better than a cat to elucidate the truths and rights of our time?
{Pause}
BC: Leave me. My brilliance needs space to blossom and create works of great value.
The Boy: You don't have to ask ME twice! {walking away} Now where did Momma and Ellie go?
BC: Hmmm ... first I should check the original. What did The Boy call them again? Something about bill and rights.
{Pause}
BC: THERE IT IS! Bill of Rights! Hmmm ... this could use some work. I'll just get started ... 
{An hour passes as Bear types feverishly to "correct" the American Bill of Rights}.
BC: {stopping for a minute} Hmmm ... I don't really know how to ... WAIT! I'm a cat! I have to be right! So change that ... and add this ... It's a tough job. But some cat has to do it. Show the humans how to do a bill of rights right!

{Pause}
BC: Hahahahaha. A bill of rights that's right!
{Pause}
BC: TADA! Momma? The Boy? SMELLIE?!? Where did every one go?!?

{Pause}
BC: WHERE ARE THEY?!? My masterpiece is complete! I'm ready to rock and roll ...
{Pause}
BC: Well ... after a well-deserved nap. They'll thank me later.

To be continued ... stay tuned for the presentation and discussion of Bear's Bill of Rights with the tyrants ... err ... humans!

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32 comments:

  1. That really is a masterpiece Bear and your Bill should read No Charge!

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  2. AMARULA: "The consent of the people is not relevant" I think you summed it up perfectly right there Bear!! As I have said many times - you are a genius!

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  3. ha!! Hilarious Bear! I think that maybe you should take over the White House....hell you definitely have better FUR!!

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    1. I will not wear hair that doesn't belong to me! That's my promise to the country. ~Bear Cat

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  4. Bear you are the hardiest working Man-cat I know!!!
    YOu must be exhausted!! LOL at Cody Better fur
    Hugs Cecilia

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    1. I work hard at everything. Including sleeping and beating up on my sister ... and ... ~Bear Cat

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  5. Replies
    1. Phht. No one LETS me do anything! I take matters into my own paws! ~Bear Cat

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  6. We like those Feline Rights and believe they should be plastered throughout every home.

    Shoko, Tyebe and Budd

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    Replies
    1. Several times per home just to keep those humans in line of course! ~Bear Cat

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  7. You nailed it with those Feline Bill of Rights, Bear. Power to the Cats!

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  8. Oh my goodness! We love your first amendment, Bear. And 10. And 3. They're all brilliant.

    "What do you have in your piggy bank?" EM: "Our wet food treat." MOL!

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  9. It's about time somecat wrote a Feline Bill of Rights!!

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  10. Way to go Bear! It is obvious that you put a lot of time and thought into that document and you really put every cat's best interests about those of humans as it should be! You deserve a big applaws and a Purr-litzer prize! I think you should run for purr-esident in 2020! Tummy tickles. -Valentine (& Mom) of Noir Kitty Mews

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    Replies
    1. Umm ... I need payments on a tasty whole chicken f ... err ... campaign donations. ~Bear Cat

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  11. Bionic Basil's team has a great tank, maybe they can tell you where to get one :)

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  12. Well Bear, a bill of rights heh? Looks purretty good considerin'. Me's surpurrised you didn't find a way to add somethin' ;bout sisfurs. Can you tell me's havin' trouble with Raena? MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  13. That does seem rather short– maybe you need more clauseses, as Gollum would say. Now bearing arms has always been bad news, and Mrs H says you get terrible skin diseases if you go out in the sun without protection. OK that seems contradictory, butI am assured sun screen is all we need. Given global warming maybe we best focus on that rather than tanks, don't you think?
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Which begs the question ... how does the Kraken protect herself from the sun?

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  14. This Bill of Rights is perfection. Nothing left out. Now, BROTHERS may also be an issue as well as sisters, BC. So, think on that as the Bill of Rights is POSSIBLY amended. Perhaps one should leave the proverbial "well enough" alone.

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  15. Four paws up! Bear for President! Though I do expect a position in your presidential cabinet in exchange for the black cat panther vote - except for Ellie Mae, not sure I can convert her. XXOO Rosie

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    Replies
    1. OH! Can you covert her to a tank? Because she's already the right size ... ~Bear Cat

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