Tuesday, August 27, 2019

The cat in the hat

Bear finds the perfect gift for himself - lying around the house - and doesn't care when it doesn't quite fit (in more ways than one). Instead, he parades around for a day, showing off his new prize, irritating Momma with his grandiosity, and insulting his sister at every turn. Momma's Princess or Daddy's Girl?

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

BC: Do de do ... la de da ...
{Something catches Bear's eye}
BC: HEEEEEEEEELLLOOOOO!
{Pause as Bear looks around}
BC: Are you cake?! Because I want a piece of you!

{Pause}
BC: I wonder what these are for. They're just sitting here ...
{Pause}
BC: And they're my favorite color too!!!
{Pause}
BC: Momma's princess? That's ME! This hat is for me! She got me a hat!




{Pause}
BC: Err ... actually, she got me two. I wonder why she thought I need two hats.
{Pause}
BC: {GASP!!!} She made one for Smellie! HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL NO! Nope. Not gonna happen. EVER. 
{Pause as Bear looks around again}
BC: Hmm ... don't mind if I do. They are for me anyway ...
{Bear puts on one of the hats and the hat slips down so Bear can't see}
BC: That's right! I'm the boss! This hat fits me perfectly! I love this hat! AWESOME! Just like me!
{Pause}
BC: It's too bad I can't see. I'd love to see how handsome I am!
{Ellie walks by}
BC: PSST! SMELLIE!
EM: AHHH! Where are you?

BC: Behind the hat!
EM: Erm ... uh ...
MK: {walking into the room} Oh, for the love ...
BC: I'm handsome, aren't I? 
EM: Umm ... Bear?!
{Momma giggles}
BC: WHAT?!?! Who's laughing?!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Oh. I see. Laugh at the poor joker who ISN'T wearing this hat! Hahahahahahaha. I laugh with you.
EM: No, see ... 
{Pause}
EM: Wait. You can't see.
{Pause}
EM: That hat doesn't say ...
MK: SHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: I can't hear you because the hat is over my eyes!
EM: Huh?!
MK: {whispering} Just let him be ... 
{Momma and Ellie laugh}
BC: Pity the fool!
EM: More than you think.
MK: Hahahahahaha.
{Pause}
MK: Bear, I think that hat is too big for you!
BC: Phht. No. My HEAD is too big for this hat!

{Silence}
BC: Somehow that sounded better in my head.
EM: Do you hear an echo with all the empty space in your head?
MK: Oddly enough, your big head IS the problem. But not with that hat ...
BC: Momma, I love my hats!
EM: YOUR ...
MK: SHHHH!
BC: You're finally recognizing my masculine ferocity. It's overwhelming, isn't it? Do I look extra mysterious with the bill over my eyes?
MK: Very handsome.
BC: And?
MK: Mysterious.
BC: And ...
MK: {trying not to laugh} And masculine.
BC: BINGO! And to think you were going to give Smellie one of these hats.
EM: They aren't the s ...
MK: SHHH!
BC: Momma's princess! That's right! Phht. Smellie could never don this hat without everyone laughing at her.
EM: HEY!
MK: Bear, you can adjust the ...
BC: NO! I LIKE it this way! This is how all the cool kitties wear it.
EM: But I've never seen any cats wearing ...
MK: SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
BC: Momma, take pictures of me posing around the house! Maybe I can make a calendar! I want to be a pin-up! Shades of Momma's Princess! Around the castle of Momma's Princess! You may call me Princess Buttercup Black Bear Cat of the Forest.
EM: Nah. I'll just keep calling you a jerk.
BC: Momma! Get your camera out! I'm adorable, aren't I?

EM: What an @$$.
BC: Thank you! But I want pictures of my face here ... you can immortalize my best side another time.
EM: Oh, that's it! LET ME SET YOU STRAIGHT, MISTER ...
MK: ELLIE!
EM: LET ME AT HIM! LET ME AT HIM! I'M GOING TO TEACH HIM A LESSON HE'LL NEVER FORGET.
BC: As if I could forget you're a loser.
EM: WHAT?!?! What did you just say to me? I'm going to kick your @$$ to kingdom come and back ... take that stupid hat off so you can see me dominate ...
MK: ELLIE!
EM: Momma, this is exactly what Daddy was talking to you about ... giving in to Bear's craziness ...
BC: It's not crazy when you look this good! I forgive you for not understanding.
MK: Yes, but LOOK at him. Can you not see the value in taking tons of photographic evidence?
EM: Good call.
MK: I learn quickly.
BC: Where to start? Where to start?! THE CAT TREE!
MK: Bear, you can't jump with the hat over your eyes like that!
BC: Phht. CAN'T! That word isn't in my vocabulary.

EM: You just said it!
BC: Fine. Smellie will help me.
MK: That sounds like a bad idea. Especially with how much you've ticked her off in the last ten minutes.
BC: Aiming ...
EM: To the left! To the left!
BC: Ready to jump ... 
{THUNK!}
EM: Darn! Oops. I meant MY left!
BC: Ow.
EM: {mumbling} Serves you right for saying I could never wear a princess hat!
{Bear jumps again}
BC: And he sticks the landing!
{Ellie smacks Bear's hat off}
BC: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! ARE YOU JEALOUS?
{Pause}
BC: MOMMA! MOMMA! MOOOOOOOOOMMMMA! Can you hand me my hat?
MK: If it shuts you up ... here.
BC: Look, Momma! No hands! No hands! 
{Pause}
BC: I'm hanging out! Cool as a cucumber.

EM: Bear ...
MK: ELLIE!
EM: Sorry, Momma.
BC: Take a picture! Take a picture!
MK: I already did.
BC: Are you SURE?
MK: Yes.
BC: Can I see?
{Pause}
BC: No. Wait. I can't see NOW ... but I will after I'm done. Now ... where else?
{Pause}
BC: OH! I know! My shelf!
MK: That's it.
BC: WHAT?!?! PUT. ME. DOWN!!!!
MK: {setting Bear on the shelf} There.
BC: Oh. Cool. Working on my frequent flyer miles.

EM: More like a frequent ...
MK: ELLIE!
BC: Kind of a rough landing though. I don't suppose there's a snack included in my airfare ... though that would result in a very satisfied customer!
{Silence}
BC: Phht. Guess not. It was worth a try! Must be one of those rock-bottom-price, value air-carriers. Good thing I didn't have a bag because I would've had to pay to check it!
EM: You have to pay to check your bag? That's crazy! It's YOUR bag and you should be able to go into it anytime you want without paying!
{Silence}
BC: Take a picture, Momma!
EM: {mumbling to herself} I'll show YOU where to take a flying ...
MK: DONE!
EM: Daddy is going to be very upset when he finds out how you're encouraging ...
BC: {AHEM!}
MK: Excuse me?
BC: {AHEM!!!!!}
MK: WHAT?!!
BC: Err ... can you help me down since I can't see?
MK: Kitty diva.
BC: NO! Carry me!
MK: For the ...
BC: PUT ME DOWN!
MK: You're welcome.
{Another couple hours pass making the rounds of the house with Bear and his hat}
MK: Are you done with me taking pictures?
BC: I guess. Wait! Why don't we do a tour of my favorite sleeping spots!
{Pause}
BC: My cat cube bed! Wait wait! Let me pose!
{Pause}
BC: Yo! I'm sleeping!
MK: Got it.
BC: My bed!
MK: Lead the way.
BC: I'm ready!
{Pause}
BC: {posing} Why, yes. I do know I'm handsome.
MK: Done.
BC: One more bed!
MK: FINALLY.
BC: Let's switch it up a bit.
{Pause}
BC: Do you like my hat better sideways? I can see.
MK: That's a wrap!
BC: Not yet!
MK: Bear, we've already been at this for hours ...
{Pause}
BC: That's a wrap!
MK: For crying out ...
BC: I have to use the litter box.
MK: NO! 
EM: You don't want to ruin your hat! {mumbling to herself} Or my hat ...
BC: Phht. I'm not falling for that! You just want to steal my hat!
MK: Bear, I'll hang on to it.
BC: You won't let Smellie have it?
MK: No.
{Bear does his business}
BC: Hat me up, Sc ... err ... Momma.
MK: There you go.
BC: You're welcome.

MK: Can I work now?
BC: You could just look at me.
MK: Or you could let me work since I spent the entire afternoon taking pictures of you and looking at you.
BC: Can I see the pictures?
MK: Sure. I need to use the bathroom anyway.
BC: {looking at the pictures Momma took on the computer} I can see when I'm looking up! WOW! I'm even more handsome than I thought! Too bad I can't get in my own pants.

{Pause}
BC: The writing on the hat is too small to read in these thumbnail pictures!
{Pause}
BC: What does this button d ...
{Pause}
BC: Oops. Momma's going to get really mad. Think. I need to distract her. 
{Pause}
BC: OH!
{Bear climbs on Momma's desk}
BC: Use my handsomeness to distract her!
MK: {walking back into the room} BEAR! I can't work with you lying there!
BC: Well, TECHNICALLY, you couldn't work without me lying here.
MK: You don't think that's a little over the top?
BC: Ummm ... no.
MK: Wha ... WHAT BUTTON DID YOU PRESS?
BC: Err ... I don't know. I couldn't see while looking down.

MK: Never mind. Go take a nap.
BC: Great minds think alike.
MK: Finally. Silence. Peace. No divas or drama queens.
{Pause}
MK: Actually, maybe it's a bit TOO quiet in here.
{A couple hours pass while Bear sleeps and Momma works}
The Boy: {walking in the front door} I'm home!
BC: What are you looking at, fool?

The Boy: {seeing Bear and turning around} Nope.
{The front door closes behind The Boy}
MK: {walking into the room} I thought The Boy was home!
BC: I think I scared him off! Must've been the hat! Behold, its power!

{Pause}
BC: And the power is MINE! ALL MINE!!!
MK: {walking past Bear} Excuse me!
BC: There is no excuse for The Boy.
MK: {opening the front door} Honey?!
BC: I'm right here, Momma!
EM: What a *&@#ing idiot! Momma needs to put her foot down and stop this nonsense!
BC: I know! Maybe she won't let The Boy back in! Or she'll put her foot down and then up his ...
EM: Wrong *&@#ing idiot.
BC: He didn't even tell me how handsome I am in this hat!
MK: I can't find The Boy!
EM: If you walked in on this, you'd turn around and leave too.
BC: THIS?!? What THIS?! I can't see?! What's wrong? Smellie, are you picking your nose again? Or Momma? Did you forget your pants?
EM: Captain Oblivious!
BC: I can't see!
EM: Then take that stupid hat off ...
BC: Don't call my hat stupid!
EM: How about you realize you're wearing a "Daddy's girl" hat!
BC: NO! It says "Momma's princess!"
EM: No. The OTHER hat says "Momma's princess," that one says "Daddy's girl."
BC: Nah uh ...
{Pause}
BC: {GASP!!!!!} IT DOES! 
{Pause}
BC: I'm never going to live this down! Why didn't someone tell me? It's all your faults for not telling me!
EM: Because it couldn't POSSIBLY be the fault of the cat who put the hat on without looking at what it says.
BC: I assumed they were the same hat!
EM: You know what they say about assumptions.
BC: What?
The Boy: {walking in the door} Finally. He took that stupid hat off!
BC: HWK! HWK! HWWWWWWWWWWCK! HWK!
The Boy: Bear barfed on the hat I was going to give Ellie.
EM: Eww! I don't want the hat now!
MK: We can wash it ...
EM: GROSS! Bear barfs on all my stuff! My scratchers ... my favorite place to sleep ...
The Boy: Never a dull moment.
MK: There are pictures.
The Boy: Really?! Let me see them! Did he really walk around all day with that hat on?
MK: Yep.
{Pause as The Boy looks through Momma's pictures}
The Boy: Hahahahahahahaha.
BC: HWK! HWK! HWWWWWWWWWWCK!
The Boy: HEY! Kat, YOUR cat just BARFED on me!
BC: Not so funny now, is it?
The Boy: The brat cat in the hat.
BC: Momma? Can I wear the "Momma's princess," hat?
MK: Haven't you had enough hats for ...
EM: HEY! It's my turn to wear a hat!
BC: Hmmm ... if you wear a hat, maybe then I can pretend you're not here and I won't have to look at you!
EM: You're the ugliest Daddy's girl I've ever met!
BC: Oh, shut up!
EM: YOU shut up!
MK: I call a moratorium on hats.
BC: I'll teach you a lesson!
EM: You already did! You're an idiot!
BC: Take that back!
EM: No.
BC: MOMMA!?! Momma? Tell Smellie ...
{Pause}
BC: Where did she and The Boy go?
{Momma and The Boy are in Momma's closet}
The Boy: I love this closet.
MK: {sipping a strong drink} No kidding.

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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29 comments:

  1. Awww, Bear, a hat by any other name would be the same and smell as sweet, just like you. Humans put so much stock in hats, I'm guessing it's an insecurity thing hence why we cats dont have them. On the plus side they are great for leaving presents in.
    Purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey Bear, it doesn't matter what it says on the hat, you were rockin' those pal!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I say double ditto to what Brian said. I'm a firm believer if it fits wear...real ManCats do wear dusty pink hats
    Hugs cecilia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's right! You must be secure in your masculinity to wear pink. You can't keep a good cat down!

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  4. We think you look adorable in that hat! We're firm believers that real men wear pink. It's our favorite color too!

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    Replies
    1. You must be secure in your masculinity to wear pink. Momma isn't a pink person - but it just grew in esteem knowing you both love it too! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Bear...Bear...Good grief! Just know how handsome you looked in your Princess hat and don't worry about wearing the "other" hat. Ya know? Your street credis still valid...those second glances you were getting were simply admiration..Yep. Admiration and jealousy. That's what it was.

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    Replies
    1. People must be VERY jealous of me! But of course they would be! I'm Bear Cat! ~Bear Cat

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  6. You just need some simple reading lessons, Bear. :)

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    Replies
    1. I'll give you a reading lesson ... err ... Momma just got here. Gotta go! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Bwahahaha...brat cat in the hat...too funny!

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  8. I always knew that you were a "daddy's girl". Hahaha! You might want to try some hooked on phonics to help you read. 😹

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  9. AMARULA: I think that hat would look even better with a bunch of gold chains!

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    Replies
    1. You think this one should be my crapping hat? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  10. gyyz...yur hatz total lee rox...N bear...trooth dood, ewe due KNOT wannna hafta put on pantz...
    like honest ta cod kinda trooth ~☺☺♥♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Momma complains about wearing clothes ... but believe me, it's better for everyone! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
    2. Bear! Ain't NO kitty like you. I hope your mommy didn't see that!

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  11. Bear, it matters NOT what the pink hats say; if you are rockin' 'em, then you are rollin' and they be hatin'...

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    Replies
    1. They ARE hatin' and I AM rockin' and rollin'. ~Bear Cat

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  12. You're so tough and cool that those hats actually worked, Bear. Haters gonna hate, right?

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  13. Bear, you OWNED that hat, no matter what it said.

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  14. Bear, you look great in pink, but I think you need a slightly smaller hat with maybe different words :)

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