Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Bear's cat rapping show hits the road

Bear's not feeling well and Momma makes the decision to take him to the vet. After the drama of Momma's decision plays out, Bear puts on a class AAA show for the veterinarian and vet tech. They aren't sure about an encore from the crapper (cat rapper) - but Bear won't be denied.

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
Vet tech/Veterinarian

BC: {seeing Momma walking toward him} Wait a ... I know that look!
{Pause}
BC: So help me ... if you brought another boy or another cat into this house, I'll quit! I mean, there's a lot of you to love and give love - but that's wearing a bit thin - even for YOUR doughnut butt.
MK: Come on, Bear.
BC: Wait a ... RATS! Wrong interpretation! BYE!
{Pause}
BC: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNN! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! You'll never catch me alive!
EM: What's going on?
BC: We're going to the vet!
EM Oh, no!
MK: BEAR'S going to the vet. Ellie is not.
BC: DISCRIMINATION! You'll hear from my lawyer.
EM: Ummm ... Bear?
BC: WHAT?
EM: You don't have a lawyer. Remember? You fired her. 

BC: RATS! She was stupid anyway. She told me I couldn't sue ...
MK: Got you.
BC: Hi, Momma.
MK: Time to get you in the carrier.
BC: Do you enjoy this? Being locked up improves my street cred though. Can you maybe take a few pictures of my incarceration? And tell people that I resisted arrest? Give me freedom or give me ... 
EM: A lawyer?
MK: Come on, Bear.
BC: I'm being locked up for my bad-@$$ ways! Tabby cat lives matter.
EM: ALL cat lives matter.
BC: For once in your life ... SHUT UP! It's discrimination! You just can't handle my awesome ...
EM: Is that what they're calling it these days?
BC: ... So I'm being locked up!
EM: Maybe Momma will throw away the key.
BC: Stop heckling me, tweedle dumb! I'm standing up for my rights against ... against ... wrongful imprisonment!
MK: Okay. Let's tone down the drama.
BC: I have rights! Freedom of speech! Freedom of religion! The right to bear arms!
EM: I don't think Momma's denying you arms. You still have them.

BC: I have the right against unreasonable searches and seizures, against double jeopardy and self-incrimination, against cruel and unusual punishment, and a right to a speedy and fair trial.
EM: You want a speedy trial? GUILTY!
BC: You impinge upon my right against cruel and unusual punishment! You're  ... you're ...
MK: Ellie, that's enough.
BC: HA!
MK: Bear, you know you haven't been feeling like yourself recently.
EM: Phht. Who's he feeling like then?
BC: SEE?!?! Cruel and unusual punishment!
EM: Freedom of speech!
BC: Get within arm's length of me, and I'll take care of ...
EM: Arm's length ... does that include the right to bear arms?
MK: Bear, you haven't been eating your wet food treat - which used to be your favorite. I remember a time where you'd throw such a fit when I didn't give you a treat right on time. You're not eating your favorites. I'm worried about you. ESPECIALLY since you're vomiting five out of seven days.
BC: Have you met my sister?
EM: YEAH! And you've barfed on my scratchers too!
BC: I'm not sorry.
MK: It's time to get you checked out and see if we can find why you've been having these problems.
BC: Phht.

MK: You know, back when Kitty started feeling bad, I talked myself out of taking her in. I found a way to rationalize that she was fine and in the end I think it cost her life. I'm erring on the side of caution and not rationalizing this away. Something good has to come of the mistakes I made with Kitty.
BC: Ummm ... having you to myself? Me and you against the world? And now you're BETRAYING me?! What's wrong with you!? Have you ever thought that I might be vomiting so much as a form of feedback?
MK: I worry about you all the time now. I just want you to eat and not vomit.
BC: Phht. Worry about my sister. Or The Boy. Bad things tend to happen to idiots.
EM: Says the cat trapped in a carrier.
BC: I have rights you know! I'm not going willingly! I ...
{Ellie snickers}
BC: Momma! I knocked the carrier over! HELP!
MK: If you didn't rock the carrier from side to side by bunny kicking all over the carrier, you wouldn't have this problem.
BC: Po po brutality! Cruel and unusual ...
{Momma sets the carrier upright}
BC: Thanks, Momma. I still feel like a piece of popcorn bouncing off everything.
EM: Then stop bouncing off everything!
BC: @&*% this stupid ^@#!
EM: Hahahahahaha. Momma! He knocked the carrier over again!
MK: Okay. Time to go.
BC: GO? Go where?! I thought I was being unjustly imprisoned!
EM: The vet. Remember? Momma's worried about you?
BC: Over my dead body! I protest! I have rights! HELP! I'm being kitty ...
{The front door closes}
EM: {looking around} Peace and quiet. FINALLY. Now I can hear myself think. Now what do I think about?
{Pause}
EM: Thinking is harder than I thought.

{Twenty minutes pass and Momma walks into the vet with Bear in his carrier}
BC: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! THIS IS IMMORAL AND UNETHICAL AND I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS! HELP! HELP! THIS WOMAN TOOK ME!
MK: And people wonder why I dread taking my cats to the vet. The twenty minute drive is nearly unbearable.
{Pause}
MK: No pun intended. Hahahaha. Un-BEAR-able.
BC: Ha. Ha. Ha. How nice to have fun at my expense!
MK: Bear Cat Kat for ...
Vet tech: He kind of announces himself. Hahaha.
BC: Very funny. I DARE you to be the one who takes me out of my carrier!
MK: BEAR!
Vet tech: So what's wrong with him?
BC: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? What's wrong with YOU!? I'm perfect! And I have handsome stripe-y pants!
Vet tech: You're wearing pants?
BC: You and my sister were separated at birth.
Vet tech: Seriously. We need to take your pants off.
BC: Keep your hands out of my pants!
MK: He's not eating his wet food treat when that used to be his favorite part of the day. And he's vomiting more often than not.
Vet tech: {picking Bear up to weigh him} Oh! He's a big boy!
BC: Just remember that next time you get the designs on sticking that thermometer anywhere.

Vet tech: Okay, XX pounds and XX ounces. The vet will be in in a moment.
MK: Here we are. How about I hide you?
BC: WHAT?! You bring me here and then offer to HIDE me? What kind of messed up nonsense is this? You think I'll go Stockholm on your behind?
MK: I love you too.
BC: Oh, no. Don't start that.
MK: I'll wrap my arms around the carrier and put my body over the opening.
BC: I'm at the vet! And the carrier won't protect him!
MK: No, I mean, I thought you'd feel more secure ...
BC: If I were more secure, I'd be in prison!
MK: I love you, Bear.
BC: Oh, NO! NONONONONONONONONO. NO CRYING! How embarrassing! My Momma gets all weepy and protective and I look like ... like ...
MK: A loved boy?
BC: HEY! I'm a loved MAN! No BOY here.
The vet: {walking into the room} Who do we have here?
BC: The quack daddy!
The vet: Wait a minute ... this says Bear Cat.
BC: Would you like me to crap for you?
The vet: Ummm ...
MK: He means perform a cat rap ... or crap.
The vet: Creative.
BC: I'm armed. So don't get up in my grill, yo ... and you won't be harmed.

The vet: Interesting.
BC: When my Momma says that, she's usually amused by me.
The vet: How very ... creative.
BC: I HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, yo!
The vet: {looking at the chart} He's DEFINITELY not missing any meals.
BC: You're DEFINITELY an idiot! Momma brought me here to get insulted? I'd be careful about what you say or you won't have any patients left!
{The vet tech giggles}
BC: What's so funny? Have you seen my Momma? I don't hear HER doctor saying she doesn't miss any meals! I'll go on a diet when she does.
Vet tech: He's a character all right.
BC: And you're dumber than my sister - which is saying a lot - believe me. 
{Pause}
BC: Wait a minute ... if I have multiple personalities, each would have it's own weight, right? So my XX pounds and XX ounces is actually the combination of like six cats!
The vet: That's not quite how it works.
Vet tech: What a handsome ...
BC: HEY! You'd better respect me in the morning!
The vet: Temperature's good. Let's listen ...
BC: THIS IS JUST LIKE PRISON where things find their ways up where they don't belong!
The vet: Can you leave him with us for an hour?
BC: HUH?
MK: Ummm ...
BC: What are you going to do to me? MOMMA! Don't leave me!
The vet: We're just going to run some tests. 
BC: TESTS?!? No one said anything about tests! I didn't study!

{Pause}
BC: {GASP!} 
{Pause}
BC: YOU WANT TO USE ME AS A GUINEA PIG! 
{Pause}
BC: I don't think so. Use my sister! She's actually a pig! And too dumb to know when her intellect ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS! Never mind. If you try to mine her intellect, you'll be lucky to get a penny's worth. 
{Pause}
BC: This doesn't involve aliens or an alien craft?
{Pause}
BC: NO! You just want a private crapping show! I'm putting down what you're ... err ... I mean I'm picking up what you're putting down. I can give you my greatest hits.
The vet: Maybe come back in forty-five minutes?
BC: Phht. I can't do my greatest hits in forty-five minutes. Make that two hours. I'll give you the highlights.
MK: Ummm ... can't I just wait?
The vet: We're just going to run some tests. Take an x-ray. Blood tests. It'll take a while.
BC: Bye, MOMMA!
MK: What?
BC: {winking at the vet} Blood tests and x-rays.
The vet: Maybe we'll check his eyes too. See if something got in there.
MK: Bear?
BC: Bye! I'm going to give them the crapping show of their lives!
MK: Okay. I'll be back in a little while.

Part 2 of the post will be shared on Friday. Bear's talks about what really happened at the vet's while Momma was gone ... and we get a diagnosis. Stay tuned!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


43 comments:

  1. Oh my, my visits to the consultant are never as exciting as yours, Bear, maybe it's the British reserve that does that. Nice cup o' tea and a nip scone then a warm thermometer and a chat and we are usually done.
    I do hope however that all things and singing aside, you are well and the stripy pants getting too tight aren' the cause of your woes; as we all know what that means!!!!
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. The dryer is evil! My pants fit just fine ... for now.

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  2. Bear I love your red hat and bling!!
    Hugs Cecilia

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  3. We hope things are okay. Nokitty likes going to the VET.

    The Florida Furkids

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  4. Gee, we sure hope nothing is wrong!

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  5. Dang Bear, we hope all is okay pal.

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  6. Crossing paws that Bear is okay! He clearly hasn't lost his spunk.

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  7. We cross our paws and hope you're OK, Bear ! Purrs

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  8. AMARULA: You can rap for me anytime! I hope all goes well Bear!

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  9. I hope all those tests give good results, Bear.

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  10. Bear I sure do want to know how you are. That's a long time, Friday.

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    Replies
    1. The vet got mad at my Momma for being so upset about something he called relatively small :) ~Bear Cat

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  11. Bear, don't make us worry about you!?!?!? But you're gonna have to sing country for us, we're not rappers ;)

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    Replies
    1. PLEASE don't give him additional ideas. I like country music, and if he sang, I would never again be able to listen to anything.

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  12. Ohhh the vet. Nobody likes going to their vet. I hope the diagnosis is one you can live with.

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  13. Oh no, I hope your V-E-T isn't like mine and in cahoots with the ALIENS! I hope you don't get abducted and taken aboard the mother ship. They do all kinds of experiments and "tests" there! EEK! I know 'cause I think they've done them on me! Hang in there and be strong, my furr-iend! Don't let them take your dignity! -Valentine (& Kerry) of Noir Kitty Mews

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    Replies
    1. I knew you, of all cats, would understand, V! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Nobody at our house likes the VET even though she's really super nice. Frank gets all barfy and shitty...literally, and Rabbit baaaa's like a lamb or a goat all the way there and back. Waiting with anxious ears to hear the verdict.

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    Replies
    1. Bear is LOUD. Like REALLY loud. He's got a good set of lungs on him ... perfect for crapping ;)

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  15. We are anxious to hear how all this comes out. Visits to the vet are no fun for anyone, and we understand why your Mom worries so much. ♥

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    Replies
    1. At least she's not checking if I'm breathing again! ~Bear Cat

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  16. Whoa, whoa, whoa, we say! Not that saying all that worked, obviously. But whoa! We'll be on the edges of our Ham-micks to know if truly, you gave them the crappiest time ever, Bear Cat. And tell 'em you want ALL YOUR FLUIDS BACK!

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  17. Sending purrs to Bear. Hope all is well for everyone

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  18. Awk...we have our paws crossed for you, Bear and hope you feel better soon.

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  19. I hope you are feeling better and have gotten some sort of revenge. XO

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  20. Bear...you SURE know how to show your true personality. Your bling and that hat...I don't need no more persuadin'. And yes, you still have arms. Not to worry. 😸

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  21. We missed this post! So very sorry Bear isn't well.

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