Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Bear Cat: The Boob

Momma's trying to sleep, but Bear has other plans. Bear's organizing a show of our household's greatest talents. Unfortunately, the show he and Ellie are waiting for ends before it even begins because Bear gets in a fight with his manager.

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
BC: Momma!
{tap}
MK: WHAT?!?!
BC: Momma!
{tap}
MK: STOP TAPPING MY EYELID WHEN IT'S CLOSED! Your claws are too long - but I'll take care of that later. I'm trying to sleep.
BC: You should try harder.
MK: You mean by locking you out of the room?
BC: {GASP!} That's not something you should EVER joke about! You know I need to be in here with you to protect you from ...
MK: Tasty whole chickens?
BC: Exactly! Then again, if there were tasty whole chickens in here, they'd need protection from me!
MK: From under the bed?
BC: What?!?!

MK: Because the last time you thought you heard a tasty whole chicken ...
BC: SHHHHH! We agreed we'd never speak of that again!
MK: Were you SCARED? Of a CHICKEN?
BC: NO!
MK: Were YOU a chicken?
BC: Oh, shut up.
MK: Says the cat that's annoying me.
BC: It's time for the show.
MK: What show? I don't care to see your butt at the moment.
BC: THE show.
MK: Please tell me Ellie isn't pole dancing again.
BC: No. Her pole dancing shows are the consummate example of what one sees that one will never forget. 
{Pause}
BC: Though it WAS funny that one time she fell off the cat tree while attending to her pole. I gave her a tip for that one!
MK: A tip?
BC: To make her stop.
MK: But you don't have any money.
BC: It wasn't THAT kind of tip. It was the kind of tip that says knock it off or you'll regret it.
MK: Poor Ellie.
BC: Poor ELLIE?!?! I have images in my brain that I will never get rid of! 
The Boy: {walking into the room} That's not pole dancing!
BC: You would know.

The Boy: She's a lady ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Wait ... WHAT?!
{Pause}
The Boy: How ... {talking to Kat} How does he know about that?
BC: Momma tells me everything.
The Boy: {face turning white} Err ... EVERYTHING?
{Pause}
The Boy: Like what?
BC: You go first and tell me something Momma might have told me and then I'll tell you whether she did.
The Boy: Wait a ...
MK: TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!!!! Can you two take this somewhere else?
The Boy: Why would you tell him about ...
BC: Phht. She tells me everything. Like all of the sixteen hundred and eighty-four times you broke up with her.
The Boy: I didn't break up with her that many times!
{Pause}
The Boy: SO WHAT?! What else did she tell you?
MK: Can you two do this somewhere else? I need to sleep!
The Boy: You've been in bed for ten hours already!
MK: And Bear's been tapping me on the eyelid for four.
BC: It's time for the show!
The Boy: What show?
BC: THE show. Like you don't know!

{Pause}
BC: Hmmm ... while we're on the topic of dirt, is it true you ...
MK: BEAR!
The Boy: You told him about that?
MK: LARRY! Trying to sleep!
The Boy: What did she tell you? It was an accident!
BC: I'm sure.
The Boy: I couldn't have known I'd be ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Wait a minute! She DIDN'T tell you and you're trying to trick me into telling you.
BC: You're so smart! My tricks never work on such a smart guy like you!
MK: Take his temperature.
The Boy: HA! You thought you'd trick me into admitting ... {mumbling}.
BC: AHA!
The Boy: Aha what?
BC: {mumbling}.
The Boy: How did you know?
BC: A ginormous birdy told me.

The Boy: Wait a ... I told you! You didn't know!
EM: {walking into the room} Bear, do I have time for a snack before the show?
MK: Oh, for PETE'S SAKE!
EM: No. Technically the show is for my sake. I even found some coins in the couch to stuff in Bear's handsome stripe-y pants.
BC: I also take checks and credit.
EM: Momma? Could I borrow your credit card?
MK: Oh, for the LOVE! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!
EM: Why would you want to sleep through Bear-a-palooza?
MK: Excuse me?
{Pause}
MK: Never mind. I don't want to know! I want to sleep!
EM: Bear said that if we don't like the show, we can get our money back.
MK: Wait ... wait ... MONEY??! You PAID to see Bear's show?
BC: BEAR-A-PALOOZA!
EM: No. I made a deal with him that my admission charge would equal the commission on your and Daddy's tickets.
MK: This has gone on long enough!
EM: I agree! I need a snack before the show.
BC: Don't worry. I'll hook you up during the show. They'll be concessions.

EM: Like my favorite tuna snacks?
BC: Of course!
EM: COOL! This show gets better and better.
{Pause}
EM: Awww. But I don't have any money!
BC: Don't worry. I'll put it on The Boy's credit card like the admission price for him and Momma.
The Boy: What?!?
MK: Hahahaha. I will attend the show after all, if The Boy's buying!
The Boy: WHAT?!? No wait! Where did you get my credit card?
BC: Phht. It doesn't matter WHERE one gets a credit card, only how you use it.
{Momma snickers}
The Boy: {looking at Momma} YOU! He's only taking MY credit card because you have yours locked up!
MK: I learn quickly.
EM: Hurry up! Hurry up! I can't wait until the "I'm too sexy" song! That one's my favorite! Take it off!!! Take it ALL off!
BC: Patience!
EM: Sorry. I was just practicing.
The Boy: Have you noticed that Bear's mean to her all the time and yet she adores him? It's like he's her idol or something.
EM: He's so dreamy! Especially up on stage.
BC: The chicks dig me!
EM: Well, that doesn't make sense.



BC: WHAT?!?! Are you saying I'm not HANDSOME?
EM: Of course not! I'm just not sure why chicks would wield a shovel. And shoveling a cat?! That just sounds dangerous!
{Silence}
MK: So Bear's show ...
EM: BEAR-A-PALOOZA!
MK: Right. Who are the acts in Bear-a-palooza?
The Boy: Well, THAT'S a stupid ...
EM: Featuring B-Cube, The Great Bear Cat, and Naughty by Legislature!
BC: NO! That's Haughty by Nature!
The Boy: I preferred Naughty by Legislature!
BC: Right. Like your opinion matters.
The Boy: All the palooza, without the lol.
BC: You may also call it a Holla-palooza. Holla!
The Boy: That's not exactly what I'd call it.
BC: I excuse you. But I must use the little boy's box before I go on.
EM: You haven't been a little boy since ... since ... err ... whenever you weren't.
The Boy: We get to see the cat rapper B-Cube and Bear's using the litter box? We're getting quite the crap show!
{Pause}
The Boy: On second thought, we could shorten B-Cube to Boob.
BC: That's brilliant! I like that! I'm a Boob!
EM: As your manager, I agree.
The Boy: Bear pays you to be his manager?
EM: Of course not! I pay HIM to be his manager.
The Boy: That's not how it works!
EM: Maybe for lesser stars ... but I'm a manager of the famous B-Cube.

BC: Just call me Boob.
The Boy: Famous B-Cube? Famous or infamous?
BC: It's time.
The Boy: Time? Time for what? Time to give my credit card back? Time to quit this boob show? Time to be grounded?
EM: That'd be bad! If you read the flyer, you'd know there's an aerial component to the show. If he's grounded ...
The Boy: Now I've heard it all.
EM: Besides, you already paid extra for that part. No refunds.
The Boy: EXTRA?! I shouldn't have paid at all! 
MK: Wait ... flyer? I never saw any flyer!
BC: I TOLD you she doesn't pay attention! Haven't you noticed the Momma-sized dent in the hall?
EM: Which one?
BC: EXACTLY! Put up an announcement you said ...
MK: Bear, you put up so many signs, I don't see them anymore. It's just better that way.
BC: You would see a "No boys allowed" sign! Or a "No Mommas allowed" sign.
The Boy: That's ironic. The flyers for the crap show can be used at filler for the litter box.
EM: Boob branded toilet paper! I like it!
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM!}
The Boy: What?
BC: {AHEM!!!!!!!!!!!} SMELLIE! The lights!
The Boy: The Boob in concert!
EM: SHHHHHH! I'm also security. Don't make me make you leave.
The Boy: What are you going to do? Kick me out?
EM: If you disturb the talent ...

The Boy: Talent isn't the word I'd use.
BC: SMELLIE! THE LIGHTS!
EM: I can't reach the switch!
BC: Do I have to do everything myself?
EM: I gave you a massage! I got treats for you! And The Boy's credit card! I'm a good manager!
BC: Good help is so hard to find.
EM: Listen here, you little ...
MK: Uh oh.
The Boy: She's gonna blow!!!! RUN!
BC: What about the show?!? I don't give refunds!
EM: Calling you an idiot is an insult to stupid people.
BC: You're a good manager?
EM: And chicks dig you? The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's butt.
BC: Well, that was a little cold ... {seeing Ellie's face} ... err ... but deserved.
EM: Speaking of little boys, you're so large, you could sell shade!
BC: I ... HWK ... HWWK ... HAWK ... sorry!
MK: {in the other room with The Boy }Wow. He apologized.
The Boy: And hawked up a furball in the process. We did get a show after all! And I don't mind paying for it either!
MK: Miss Ellie is super sweet, beyond patient, and doesn't have a mean bone in her body ...
The Boy: But you tick her off ...
EM: I’m jealous of people who don’t know you!
BC: Err ... I guess you don't want to see the show anymore? I even have new verses of the "I'm too sexy" song for you and The Boy!
EM: Don't hurt yourself trying to think. If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
MK: I think Bear might need some ...
EM: You're so dumb that you got hit by a parked car!
MK: On second thought ... we might be safer back here.
The Boy: She's saved these up for a while! Too bad we don't have popcorn.
MK: You forget the mini-microwave and mini-fridge in my office.
The Boy: I love that walk-in closet. And you are a genius.
MK: As I said before, I learn quickly and Bear's always kept me on my toes.
The Boy: Sounds like Ellie's about to string Bear up by his!
EM: Good help is hard to find?!? Oh, yeah? I'd say so are good employers - but I PAY you to work for you!
BC: And you call me stupid.
EM: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
{Silence}
BC: I hear Momma calling!
EM: That's right! Run away! Don't forget to tuck your tail between your legs!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com. 

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27 comments:

  1. Well you make a fine double act. Should be on Broadway with that routine. Tell me, who scripted it – was it team work or did Ellie do her part, and you your own, Bear? Plus what do you two guys do to relax after a show – mutual groom or just nip slings?
    Purrs
    ERin
    Seriously the Boy and MK should be grateful they get cheaper seats ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What do we do to relax? Stay as far away from each other as possible! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. Do I smell a fabulous road show in the works Bear?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please don't give him any ideas. Then again, his momma and I joke that if he took a trip by plane, the aircrew would have to declare an emergency as one of the flight officers would have a cat attached to his head.

      Delete
    2. Road show? I thought roads just laid there and didn't do anything ... talk about a boring show. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  3. Ohhhh may I be your roadie!?
    Hug Cecilia

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow! I didn't know Ellie had it in her. Well done girl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Momma's teaching me how to stand up for myself. You should feel sorry for The Boy. He never sees her coming ... ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  5. Bear, you make me think of my cat named Sebastian. When he wanted to wake you up you would get a pow in the face...and the longer it took you to wake up, the harder the pows were!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh Bear, we think you might have gone a bit too far this time. Sounds like Ellie is, well, she's totally ticked off. On the other side, good fur you fur standin' up fur your self Ellie. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Too far? There IS a such thing? If you go a little further, is there a WAY too far? Asking for a friend. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Ellie, i could use a manager. I’m thinking of taking my rap act on the road. ~Easy E

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH! A manager for a rival rap star?!? Where do I sign up? And do I have to pay you? ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  8. I guess it's true what the humans say, "Hell hath no furry like a woman [in this case - Ellie Mae] scorn." Hold on tight to your stripey pants, Bear, 'cause the storm has come. You might want to take cover in your Sleepy Pod ship/tank. Tee hee hee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She just flew off the handle! Touchy touchy! Females and their peculiarities! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  9. There may be a Tony Award in your future.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sounds like an exciting time around your house. Lots of stuff going on. Have a great day.

    ReplyDelete
  11. AMARULA: Bear what is this amazing invention called a credit card and how do I use it?!?! You know all the best stuff!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Credit cards tend to hang out in purses. They like to congregate with their friends. And they often have a huge chip on their shoulders :)

      Delete
  12. Well done, Ellie! You have some serious management skillz, girl!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ellie, I say demand higher pay - or demand pay to begin with!

    ReplyDelete

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