General Tso's chickens

A cryptic call from Momma confuses The Boy and leads the cats on a scenic, but misguided, path to the truth ... or a straight-shot to crazy, depending on your perspective. What does it all mean? And would YOU hire the cats to solve a caper?

BC: Bear Cat Kat [handsome tabby cat] 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy cat] 
MK: Momma Kat [Bear and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat] 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

The Boy: {on the phone} Duck lady? What the ...
BC: Did the lady from the pizza place hang up on you again?
The Boy: Wait ... AGAIN?
BC: Someone should tell her she's really rude!
BC: Oh. Yeah. My mistake. That was Smellie.
The Boy: Smell ... I mean, ELLIE, has never hung up on me!
The Boy: I've never talked to Ellie on the phone!
BC: You don't know what you're missing.
The Boy: You've talked to Ellie on the phone?
BC: NO! But she really took it to the pizza lady's house right before the pizza lady hung up on her last time.
The Boy: I'm sorry ... WHAT? Pizza lady? Hung up on her? LAST time?
BC: Smellie wanted a tuna pizza. I thought it was reasonable!
The Boy: Smel ... err ... Ellie orders pizzas?
BC: Are you paying attention? The lady said they don't make tuna pizzas. Smellie WANTED to order a tuna pizza  - but never actually ordered a pizza - because the pizza lady said they don't put tuna on their pizzas. I told Smellie to ask if they put tuna UNDER their pizzas, but the lady hung up on her first. I mean, Smellie DID call her a ...
The Boy: And if she could've ordered a tuna pizza, how would she pay for it?
BC: Why would she need to pay for it? You don't pay for the pizzas YOU order!
The Boy: I do too! They have my credit card on file that comes up with the phone num ... wait a minute! Did Ellie order Chinese a few weeks ago?
BC: Err ... no speako Englaish?
EM: {from the other room} You mean ... no speako Chinese?

BC: How was I supposed to know Kung Pao Chicken wasn't Chinese for tasty whole chicken? Kung sounds like it means whole and pao sounds like it means tasty.
The Boy: And Bear sounds like it means stupid!
BC: In what language?
EM: {from the other room} Why didn't you order General So's chicken?
The Boy: General TSO!
BC: Because if a chicken is owned by a general, it must be a tough bird. And, as a rule, tough birds aren't tasty.
The Boy: You've been eating your Momma's cooking.
EM: {from the other room} I wonder if General Tso knows people are stealing his chickens?
BC: Maybe that's why he created Crone-a-virus?! To avenge the people stealing his chickens?
EM: {from the other room} Wow! You are really smart, Bear! Of COURSE! Chroma-virus started in China ... where General Tso lives! He GAVE his chickens Chroma-virus so that if anyone stole his chickens, the thieves would get sick!
The Boy: I don't even have the words ...
BC: Call the president! Make sure he knows about General Tso's revenge!
The Boy: Oh, yeah. I'll just call 911 and take care of that.
BC: Umm ... about that ...
The Boy: Excuse me?
EM: {from the other room} You know how the people at 911 won't take calls from the house phone anymore because of all the times Bear called them about our empty food bowls or someone stealing his poop from the litter box?
The Boy: Yeah?
EM: {from the other room} Well, they won't take calls from your cell phone anymore either.
The Boy: WHAT?!?!?
BC: Oops?

The Boy: WAIT! Are you two responsible for all the scratches on the screen?
BC: Phht. That was Smellie's fault.
EM: {from the other room} You told me to SCRATCH it!
BC: NO! I told you to TAP it!
EM: {from the other room} Oh. Oops.
{Ellie thinks for a minute}
EM: But wait ... if General Tso is getting revenge for his stolen chickens by creating Chroma-virus, why would the symptoms be hoarding toilet paper?
BC: Phht. Because he can go house to house across the world, and the people who are sick will have houses full of toilet paper - and those people have his chickens!
The Boy: Why wouldn't he just look for the chickens?
BC: How should I know? I don't know Chinese!
The Boy: What's that have to do with any ...
EM: Uh oh. We better throw away all the toilet paper we have! Momma hasn't bought toilet paper in like a year because we're so well stocked up! We don't want General Tso thinking we stole his chickens!
BC: Smellie! You're BRILLIANT!
EM: Err ... I am?
BC: YES! Momma has General Tso's chickens! They must be here somewhere! No! Wait! She's storing them somewhere else! Where is she?
The Boy: She went grocery shopping and she stopped at the park to check on the geese.
EM: Why does she need to check on the geese? Are they hiding General Tso's chickens?
The Boy: I don't even know what to do with you two.
BC: Well, if it makes you feel better, we don't know what to do with you either!
The Boy: I couldn't tell.
EM: Really? You never noticed that I run away from you when you try to pick me up? You never noticed Bear hissing at you?
The Boy: {sigh} I'm not Momma.
BC: THAT'S an understatement!

EM: You can say THAT again!
BC: Now ... to the matter at hand ...
EM: You mean PAW?
BC: Whatever. Are the geese in on Momma's chicken plot or is "checking on the geese" a euphemism?
EM: Checking on the geese isn't my femism! Is it YOUR femism?
The Boy: That's what started this whole thing! Your Momma called and said she met a lady about ducks? She met a lady with ducks? And something about baby pictures! Or maybe the duck lady had baby pictures?! It made no sense! I don't know! Then she just hung up! I tried to call her back but she didn't answer!
BC: It's good to see Momma's finally getting some sense.
The Boy: But she didn't make ANY sense!
BC: No. She's getting sense because she didn't answer your call.
EM: Hahahahaha. Does General Tso have ducks?
BC: General Tso could be a WOMAN!
EM: The duck lady!
BC: But where do the chickens fit in?
BC: {narrowing his eyes} YOU! 
The Boy: Me what?
BC: YOU! YOU have Crone-a-virus! YOU have General Tso's chickens!
The Boy: Oh, NOW I've heard everything!
EM: Wait. Bear? Have you ever been in The Boy's car?
BC: No.
BC: You are so smart! All this stuff about a duck lady and Momma not making sense was a misdirection so he could keep us from the truth! He's deflecting suspicion on to Momma so we don't suspect HIM! We need to search his car!
EM: For what?

BC: Never mind. "So smart" was a bit premature. FOR THE CHICKENS!
EM: Wait ... the chickens aren't so smart? 
BC: NO! YOU aren't so smart!
EM: But you said, "'So smart' was a bit premature for the chickens."
BC: NO! Calling YOU "so smart" was a bit premature. PERIOD. We need to search his car FOR THE CHICKENS!
EM: But I don't like going outside!
BC: SEE?!?! It's the PERFECT plan! Since neither of us like to go outside, he can hide the chickens in his car and not share them with us!
EM: I don't know.
BC: Go ahead!
EM: Why me? YOU go!
BC: Because I'm the senior member of the house.
EM: But that's not fair!
BC: Too bad.
EM: I don't want to go outside.
BC: You never know. The Boy might have a tuna pizza in his car!
The Boy: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
EM: Hmmm ... a strong denial ... okay! I'll go search his car!
{The front door starts to open}
BC and EM {at the same time}: MOMMA!
{Bear runs to his box and looks relaxed}
MK: Hi, Bear!
BC: Eh. Whatev.

MK: Hi, El ...
MK: Erm ... excuse me?
EM: Have you seen the chickens in Daddy's car?
MK: No. There are chickens in The Boy's car?
BC: AHA! They're in this together!
MK: What are they talking about?
The Boy: Don't look at me!
BC: We know everything! General Tso, the duck lady ... the theft of her chickens ... Crone-a-virus ... 
MK: Start at the beginning!
EM: WE should be asking the questions around here, Momma! Do you know General Tso?
MK: No.
BC: Or her alias ... The Duck Lady?
MK: No.
EM: But Daddy said you met the duck lady!
MK: Noooo. I went to the park to take pictures of the goslings!
BC: WITHOUT SUPERVISION?! Did anyone recognize you?
MK: I don't think so.
BC: You don't THINK so? I have to LIVE here!
MK: So, as I was taking pictures, a lady came up to me and told me she's gotten into photography during the stay-at-home order and she wants to buy a nice camera.
BC: Did you sell her yours? 
MK: Of course not!
MK: So anyway, we started talking about the goslings and I told her that to get as close as possible, she should sit on the ground and just let the goslings and geese do their thing. In my experience, they come pretty close when the parents don't perceive you as a threat. Of course, the lady didn't believe me and managed to get charged by both parent geese as she tried to get as close as I was. I got a picture of their warning to her - but I was smart enough to get out of there before they got really mad!

BC: Great. How embarrassing.
MK: Well, she didn't listen to me!
BC: No, YOU! The "goose EXPERT!"
The Boy: So what about the ducks?
MK: Before the whole geese thing, she asked me if I saw the ducks and I said yes. She said she works for the city and the ducks were someone's pets until he couldn't take care of them anymore and asked the city for permission to rehome them in the park.
The Boy: So THAT'S where the ducks came from all of a sudden!

MK: Yeah, that explains the ducks showing up last year.
BC: Well, I guess I should be thankful you weren't talking to the geese this time ...
MK: Well ...
BC: Great.
MK: I told the Momma and Daddy geese how pretty their babies were. And that I wouldn't hurt them or the babies.
BC: Please tell me you didn't try to communicate with them in Geese-ese.
MK: No, of course not!
BC: Phew.
MK: I realized they don't understand that when I tried last year.
The Boy: Well, they ARE Canadian geese ... maybe we can try Canadian Geese-ese.
BC: Don't ENCOURAGE her! Don't suggest that to her ... even as a joke! And where were YOU? You swore you'd supervise her so she doesn't embarrass me and ruin my street cred!
EM: Ummm ... how can you have street cred if you never go outside?
The Boy: Hahahaha.
BC: Oh, shut up!
The Boy: She didn't tell me she was going to the park to check on the geese until she called to tell me about the duck lady!
BC: You should've known! Letting Momma out of the house without supervision is always a bad idea! What if she's not wearing pants? Or she gets lost? Or she befriends a seagull or an opossum?
EM: That would be so cool! She could bring the seagull or opossum home and I could have a best friend! We could braid each others' fur and tell each other secrets ...
BC: I dare you to try that with either. No, wait. Momma, go find Smellie an opossum!
EM: REALLY?! You'd do that for me?
BC: This I GOT to see! I can sell admission! Then I can BUY my own tasty whole chicken farm and you can give back General Tso's chickens!
MK: No.
EM: Awwww. But why not?
MK: Opossums aren't exactly known to be friendly.
EM: Maybe they're misunderstood! Maybe they aren't friendly because no one has ever tried to be their friends!
MK: Ellie, you are too sweet.
BC: Barf.
EM: You never know!
The Boy: So how many pictures did you take of the geese?
MK: I don't know?
BC: "I don't know?" means around two hundred. "I don't know!" would mean over five hundred. "I don't know." would mean over two hundred and fifty. "Not that many." would mean over one hundred. And "Just a few." would mean more than fifty.
The Boy: What about less than fifty?
BC: Phht. Have you ever seen Momma take less than fifty pictures at one time?
The Boy: Excellent point.
BC: Which one? I have twenty-two points, just in case you forgot.
The Boy: How could I forget?
BC: I didn't think so. Would you like to meet my little friends?
The Boy: No, thank you. But I can't believe your Momma took over two hundred pictures of geese!
BC: Who understands women? They make NO sense!
The Boy: AMEN to that!
BC: We agree?
The Boy: Yep.
BC: Women make TOTAL sense!
The Boy: But you just said ...
MK: That's my boy!
BC: I love you, Momma!
MK: I love you, too, Bear.
The Boy: Wait! Wait! What just happened?
EM: How do you say screwed in Chinese?
MK: Hahahaha.

Curious about the pictures Momma got of the goslings? We wouldn't hold back on you!

© 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact 

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  1. Those little ones are so cute, but you and Ellie Mae are too Bear! I hear General Tso is under investigation for lying to Colonel Sanders.

    1. Nooooo! Maybe I was right and General Tso's chickens aren't tasty? I imagine Col. Sanders would be upset about that! ~Bear Cat

  2. Ohhhh Mama Goose has lots of babies I hope she had a really good nanny.
    Great photo capture
    Hugs cecilia

    1. I guess we know why the dads hang around! Chick or gosling support would be a witch!

  3. Replies
    1. Besides that my Momma stalked some poor unsuspecting geese ... thank you :)

  4. Lovely photos of the goslings. At last some normality after having my mind tied in knots by Bear!

    1. Now wait a minute ... what do you mean by that?! ~Bear Cat

  5. Dear Bear Cat and Ellie Mae,
    The Tribe has discussed your communication problems with the your local geese. As we live only 60 miles south of Canada, we do speak a bit of Canadiangeesian. We would be happy to translate for you or Mamma Kat should you need the hel=p,

    Also, we would like to know how to order tasty chicken with The Human's phone. Our Human is pretty cheap and insists on cooking at home so I'm not sure if she has any of these "take out" place numbers stored.

    Best Wishes to you both and please don't answer the door to any strangers at it might be that General Tso looking for his chickens!
    Purrs & Head Bonks,
    Albero, Oliver, Lily & Jasmine

    1. I still think General Tso is a SHE. Shes CAN be generals, right? ~Ellie Mae

  6. What a precious little family!!! Trust us, our house is on a straight-shot to crazy too!

  7. Cats and credit cards; what could go wrong? Those lil babies are adorable.

  8. Crony virus that we have on the East Coast comes from the UK. I can't believe you didn't order Chinese food. Hmmm, I was unfeathering the burds with my eyes. Yum!

    1. "I was unfeathering the burds with my eyes." Oh, CK, you have no idea how much we've missed your sense of humor!

  9. Your posts are making me feel like I'm starving. Kung Pao here I come!

    1. Hmmm ... maybe THAT'S why Momma and The Boy eat so much ... no, probably not. ~Bear Cat

  10. This is so awwdorable, BearCat and Smellie...🙊MOL...😸Pawkisses for a Happy Weekend. Stay Safe Healthy and Yourselfie🙏🐾😽💞

  11. The baby geese are so cute, but not as cute as Bear and Ellie. How about order a cheese pizza and then pour a can of tuna on top. :)

    1. Momma says "ew" ... but Bear and I are on board! Though maybe without the crust? ~Ellie Mae

  12. Tuna pizza sounds good to us. You may be on to something, Ellie Mae!

    That goose family is adorable. We love the photos you took of them, Momma Kat!

    1. I still think the babies look a bit tasty ;) ~Bear Cat

  13. AMARULA: I don't care what you order Bear, General Tso chicken or tuna pizza but I would do take out with you anytime!

    1. I have a new bed that would be the PERFECT size for us to share! ~Bear Cat

  14. BEAR! I thought you were tending toward Tuxies! Well, Torties, yes, but Tuxies for when those times of flights of fancy come winging like goslings to you as you are reposed in your comfy beddie. ( you WERE beckoning another cat there above me in comments, right? Otherwise disregard any censure you think you see here.)

    1. My understanding was that the fair-beyond-words, and gold-filled heart of Katie Isabella was spoken for! Any other tuxie pales in comparison to the absolute purr-fection of Miss Katie Isabella! ~Bear Cat
      [Don't tell anyone, but it's my MOMMA'S fascination with torties that writes these posts. I say a lady is a lady ... but I'm overruled!]

  15. My cats are now on a mission to find a place that makes tuna pizza! And those goslings are adorable!

    1. Hmmm ... gosling pizza? Yeah. Don't think that would sell well to humans ... but cats? Best thing since sliced bread? ~Bear Cat

  16. guyz....3} noe burd iz waz ore ever will bee tastee

    C} we closed R eyez afturr reedin that N dinna seen de
    nite marez in broad day lite .....

    9} we hope R spellin iz oh kay sinz we iz typing with R eyez closed

    y} stay safe ♥♥ N healthee ♥♥

    1. RATS! We always mean to post a warning for you! Please accept our apologies!

  17. What a cute little family! We don't get to see goslings here.

    1. We just happened across them a couple years ago, and now we're hooked! It's fun to watch them grow.

  18. You guys got to see all of those adorable geese? The babies are so cute! Maybe one of these days you'll get your tuna pizza too. :)

    1. Tuna and gosling pizza? Now THAT sounds SUPER tasty to me! ~Bear Cat

  19. Those are really cute goslings but you cats are much cuter!

    Even though I'm a cat too, I don't mind saying that :)

    1. I still think they look more TASTY than CUTE ... but I'm a cat too! ~Bear Cat

  20. That last picture of the goslings is especially nice.
    Lots going on at your house! Wait, there's no General Tso? We love our chickens in uniform.

    1. Hahahaha. Chicken in uniform! Why didn't Bear think of that?!

  21. Replies
    1. Phht. LADY generals? No. Then again, I don't want to have to share the doghouse with The Boy, so maybe I should sing a different tune? ~Bear Cat


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