Bear and Ellie: Home alone

Momma and The Boy have been gone for hours. Where are they? The cats are getting restless and wondering if they'll ever get a wet food treat again. While waiting, Bear and Ellie reflect on the Coronavirus outbreak - with a confused variation on the truth - thanks to Momma's Handsome Stripe-y Pants!

BC: Bear Cat Kat (Momma's Handsome Stripe-y Pants)
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: {looking at Ellie} PSSST! HEY! YOU!
{Ellie looks behind herself on each side}
BC: Oh, for ... THERE'S NO ONE BEHIND YOU!
EM: Thank you!
BC: What?
EM: Yesterday you said that I look like I carry around another cat in my pocket. If no one is behind me NOW, that means that my diet worked!
BC: You're not on a diet. I saw you eat half a bowl of kibble earlier!
EM: Oh, right. I'm starting my diet tomorrow.
BC: I meant that there's no reason to turn around because only the loveseat ... oh, NEVER MIND!
{Pause}
BC: HEY! YOU!
{Ellie checks behind herself}
BC: Didn't we already cover that there's no cat behind ... 
{Pause}
BC: YOU! The black cat!
EM: Where?
BC: You're black!
EM: {looking down at her paws} I am?
{Pause}
EM: I AM!
{Pause}
EM: Have I always been black?
BC: No. You used to be all white.
EM: {GASP} REALLY?! What happened?

BC: You got into a fight with some coal.
EM: I did? I don't remember that!
BC: Because it beat your wimpy behind into last week.
EM: THIS ONLY HAPPENED LAST WEEK?!
BC: I really hope Momma's going to be home soon because I don't know how much more of this I'll be able to take.
EM: More of what?
BC: YOU!
EM: Me me? Or the other black cat?
BC: What other black cat?
EM: The one you were talking to before.
BC: YOU!
EM: But where's the other black cat? 
{Pause}
EM: Hmmm ... where's Daddy?
BC: He and Momma left EIGHT hours ago!
EM: He did? I could've sworn he was around here somewhere ...
BC: You never notice when he's gone! I party!
EM: Well, you know ... Momma is my favorite, so I only really notice when I can't find her.
BC: And then you howl. But she's MY Momma.
EM: She's my Momma too!
BC: She was MY Momma first!
EM: I'm her favorite!
BC: I saved her life!

EM: I keep her lap warm!
BC: I sleep with her!
EM: She calls me Ellie Bellie!
BC: She calls me Cuddle Bug!
EM: She doesn't suck my blood or give me shots!
BC: But she brushes your teeth!
EM: She brushes yours too!
BC: She tests my blood sugar and gives me shots because she wants to keep me alive because she can't live without me!
EM: Then why do you maul her every time? She bleeds all over the place!
BC: Love hurts!
EM: YOU hurt!
BC: Have you been talking to Momma again?
EM: Have you been LISTENING to Momma?
BC: What's that have to do with anything? Why do you copy everyone else?
EM: What do you mean?
BC: The other night, you scratched MY loveseat!
EM: Momma says we're supposed to share!
BC: I don't listen to Momma.
EM: AHA!
BC: You were copying me!
EM: You don't even scratch the loveseat anymore!
BC: That's because I have a scratcher!
EM: That's MY scratcher!
BC: Then don't scratch MY loveseat! Momma and I used to cuddle on that loveseat!
EM: You barf on my scratcher!
BC: Not the side I use! And the other day, you got mad at the box on Momma's desk that was in your way and I heard you say, "F*** this box!" and knocked it off her desk. You're COPYING me! You're a COPY CAT! You're my not-so-mini, Mini Me!
EM: I feel so close to you right now. I want a hug!

BC: SOCIAL DISTANCING! SOCIAL DISTANCING!
EM: But we're FAMILY!
BC: Err ...
EM: We are FAM-I-LY! I got my big brother with me!
BC: Don't remind me!
EM: I need a hug!
BC: I'm going to tell Momma you're breaking the social distancing rule!
EM: Is this like your "let's see how long we can be quiet" rule or like your "let's play hide and seek and you hide first" rule? Because how is this "social distancing" any different than any of your other rules you make up so I don't bother you? 
BC: NO! This rule is legit! The President and everyone backs the rule!
EM: So your other rules aren't legit?
BC: Umm ... Besides, you're in quarantine!
EM: Quartering?
BC: NO! You're in QUAR-AN-TINE!
EM: I am?
{Pause}
EM: Wait ... what is that?
BC: You might be contagious.
EM: OH NO! Contagious? Is that life-threatening? Will I have to go to the vet? Am I going to die?
BC: Only if you get too close to me.
EM: How would being contagious and getting close to you kill me?
BC: It wouldn't. I'LL kill you.

EM: Oh. Because YOU'RE contagious?
BC: No. Because you annoy me.
EM: So what are the symptoms of being contagious?
BC: It's not an illness! It's having an illness that you can share.
EM: I don't think that's the kind of sharing Momma says we should do.
BC: Phht. It's against my religious beliefs to share.
EM: Why?
BC: Because I'm the omnipotent and omniscient being.
EM: Om knee what?
BC: Never mind.
EM: What might I be contagious with?
BC: Cooties.
EM: But you said I have them already. What MIGHT I be contagious with?
BC: Remember the Crone-a-virus?
EM: Erm ... no.
BC: That's all anyone talks about! You get the virus and you turn into a crone!
EM: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
BC: A crone is an ugly old woman.
EM: Does a crone eat cats?
BC: Let me call 1-800-CRONE-U2.
EM: REALLY? That's a thing?
BC: NO!
EM: I thought that was the name of a band or something.
BC: Did you know that if you say gullible REALLY slowly, it sounds like oranges?
EM: What do oranges sound like?
BC: NOTHING!
EM: So gullible sounds like nothing?
BC: NO! If you say the word gullible slowly, the pronunciation sounds like the pronunciation of oranges.

EM: Oranges can pronounce words?
{Pause}
EM: What? What's wrong? Do you have a headache?
BC: What?
EM: You slapped your forehead!
BC: Believe me, slapping my forehead is MUCH less painful than ...
EM: Your headache?
BC: That's one word for it.
EM: Do you have Chromavirus?
BC: CRONE-A-VIRUS!
EM: What are the symptoms?
BC: When you catch Crone-a-virus, you go crazy and hoard lots of toilet paper.
EM: Why? What do people use all that toilet paper for?
BC: That's the crazy part! There IS no reason! 
EM: Oh. I don't understand people. Their litter box seems so ... uncivilized. And we don't need toilet paper!
BC: No kidding. And their baths are downright barbaric. Nothing a good lick can't fix.
EM: I KNOW! Right?!
BC: What are you chewing on?
EM: Err ... nothing?
BC: Let me see that!
EM: What?
BC: You're chewing on plastic again!
EM: Erm ... I'm nervous. It's past our wet food treat time and Momma isn't home! Maybe she got lost! What if we never get a wet food treat ever again?
BC: That's even worse than Crone-a-virus!
EM: We're going to starve! I already feel weak!
BC: You ate half a bowl of kibble a couple hours ago.
EM: I KNOW! STARVATION IS IMMINENT!

BC: I wonder when the Grand Pooh-bah will grace us with her presence.
EM: I thought you were Pooh Bear.
BC: POOH-BAH! The boss!
EM: Yes! YOU! Pooh Bear.
BC: Stop saying my full name out loud!
EM: Pooh Bear Pooh Bear Pooh Bear! Pooh Bear Pooh Bear Pooh Bear!
{The front door opens}
MK: Hi.
EM: MOMMA! The Boy will be happy to see you!
BC: The Boy isn't here!
EM: He's not?
BC: We're hungry!
EM: Momma, do you have Chromavirus? Were you gone so long because you were buying toilet paper?
MK: BEAR!
BC: What?! I didn't do anything!
MK: What did you tell your sister?
EM: I'm a black cat!
MK: You didn't know that?
EM: EVERYONE KNEW BUT ME?
BC: Can we get our wet food treat?
MK: Aren't you two missing someone?
BC: CHICKEN!
EM: TUNA!
MK: The Boy?
BC: Eww. If he's our wet food treat, I'll pass.
EM: Does he come with gravy?
BC: SMELLIE!
EM: WHAT?! I'm just asking!

Stay tuned for our next post where the secret of The Boy's whereabouts are revealed!

Today, we're joining our friends at The Cat on My Head for their Sunday Selfies. Check them out and join in!

© 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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66 comments

  1. Bear. You can be so silly! You will all be totally fine * gentle hugs *

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have you met my sister? 1) She's even sillier than I am. 2) Nothing will EVER be fine again with her in this house! ~Bear Cat

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  2. O mi Cod, the things U cats say and do! Love your cartoons and laughed at your crazy ideas!

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  3. Yikes, I hope The Boy didn't get in a fight with some coal.

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    Replies
    1. You should've seen how much he got in his Christmas stocking! ~Bear Cat

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  4. Home alone? We forgot what that is. MOL Our mom is going on week three of being at home and she's starting to lose her mind. As long as she doesn't forget to feed us! MOL

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    Replies
    1. We're used to Momma being here all the time .... but The Boy? WE'RE going crazy! He keeps trying to TOUCH us! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Were they on a search for toilet paper? I guess the good thing to this home alone story...you might be alone but thankfully you don't need tp
    Hugs Cecilia

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    Replies
    1. Well, the litter box WAS getting a bit gnarly because SOME sister doesn't understand the concept of a stinky poop side and a non-stinky poop side! ~Bear Cat

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  6. Home alone, starvation is imminent, such drama!

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    Replies
    1. It's not drama when it's true! Err ... mostly. ~Bear Cat

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  7. Phew! We are sure glad Momma came home, Bear and Ellie! Though your back and forth while you were waiting made us smile. :)

    Where could The Boy be???

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    Replies
    1. Lost? Abducted? Then again, maybe that's only wishful thinking! ~Bear Cat

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  8. Hi, guys! I loved reading your dialog and do wonder about the Boy. Oh well. As long as you got your treat, all is well, right?

    p.s. We still pop in from time to time even if we don't comment. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We've missed you guys! We keep checking the blog for updates! It's been forever since we heard from Annie and Pierrot!

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  9. Ellie, I have to tell you. Mom is pure in lurve with you!

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  10. Oh and Bear...thank you for that comment to me about feline fine! XXXOOOXXX

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  11. I am glad your mom got back home at last!
    Bear, I agree with you, the virus does send lots of people crazy going out buying all that TP. I have someone shopping for me (12 week protection isolation for at risk people) and they haven't seen any for 2 weeks.
    Maybe they are going to use it to make masks!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. More likely, some conspiracy theorists told people they'd be safe if they wrapped themselves in toilet paper like a mummy!

      Delete
  12. The toilet paper fever is a mystery to us, too, but it's scary ! Purrs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's probably some rumor that people would be safe if they wrapped themselves in toilet paper like a mummy!

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  13. My goodness what chatterboxes you are ! I thought only female humans are chatterboxes, but you too ! You are lucky being cats, you can go out if you want wherever you want while we humans have to stay inside because the Coronavirus only likes humans and not animals ! Therefore humans are in danger and you cats not ! Some silly people over here wanted to get rid of their pets because they feared that a cat or a dog could be infected by the coronavirus !! Stupid !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't understand people. Personally, I'd be much more worried for my pets than myself! It's true that a lot of pets have been tested and I believe only three tested positive (two dogs, one cat). But if I WERE sick, my cats would be the absolute best medicine period - with consideration for making sure there's no chance I'd put them in danger.

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  14. You are always so funny! Thanks for making my mum smile :)

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  15. When you catch Crone-a-virus, you go crazy and hoard lots of toilet paper. MOL, that pretty much sums it up!

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    Replies
    1. And I get accused of making stuff up! Truth is stranger than fiction! ~Bear Cat

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  16. How exciting to have you on the blog hop today. Our mom has been worrying about you Bear and wondering if you are being better about your injections. It sure doesn't sound like it. She's been going to e-mail your Momma, but you know how that goes. Humans never do what they say they are going to do. We sure hope that your momma and the Boy are both healthy and that they stay that way! Try to be a good cat and say "hi" to Ellie for us. XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer

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    Replies
    1. Our Momma has actually been BUSIER now that usual! She's neglected most relationships and our blog - and she feels horrible about it. So far, our humans are okay. But they're getting really sick of being stuck at home! ~Bear Cat

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  17. The thought of little pouches of "Boy" cat food is intriguing, in jelly or gravy! What would it be called I wonder? 'Boy Oh Boy – Flavoursome chuncks with mixed veg', maybe? ;)
    Purrs
    ERin

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  18. Oh, what funny kitties you are. You made Mummy laugh - and laughter is a rare commodity these days.

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    Replies
    1. We love to hear that! Laughter and cats are the best medicine for just about everything!

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  19. Guys that was some drama, we hope mew all doing ok - stay safe and stay well XOX

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  20. Stay safe, stay strong and keep smiling. I wonder where your dad has gone?

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  21. Our mom and dad are home all of the time now too. Halp! Signed, Sadie

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    1. This place is truly not big enough for all of us all the time! ~Bear Cat

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  22. Mom is here 24/7 now and interrupting our normal napping routine. She's going stir crazy.

    The Florida Furkids

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    Replies
    1. So are our humans! This place is truly not big enough for all of us all the time! ~Bear Cat

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  23. All logic goes out the window, when there is a hungry cat!

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  24. Ellie just discovered she's black...what a shock....I have black face all the time.

    Shoko

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  25. Ellie's black? When did this happen? Actually you teasing your sisfur reminds me of the AssRabbit at my house. He jerks the tail of just about evfurrybuddy here, including my Mom, although I've yet to figure out where she hides her tail. Anyway! As always you make me laugh, BC. Good job!

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    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... that is a good question RE: where the humans keep their tails. We've instituted a mandatory pants rule around here ... so we're not privy to that kind of information. But Ellie especially, Miss "I love to chase tails," is super interested in the answer. ~Bear Cat

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  26. Enjoy your free time because your folks are going to be trapped inside with you for a long time. Keep them healthy. XO

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  27. BearCat, I think all Black cats are Coal Cats😹😎😸Clean Pawkisses for a Happy Week ahead. Stay Save Healthy and Yourselfie🙏🐾😽💞

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  28. We think you two have as good a grasp on this whole thing as many people do. MOL
    Hmmm....we wonder where the boy is? Don't keep us in suspense for too long! :)
    Jan & the crew at Wag 'n Woof Pets

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    Replies
    1. We suspect if we follow the trail of toilet paper, we might just find him!

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  29. AMARULA: BEAR!! Or should I say Pooh Bear!!! I never knew that was your full name--you should wear the moniker with pride my luscious striped one! Winnie the Pooh is one of my fav stories of all time! Maybe we can share a honey pot one day!

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    Replies
    1. Amarula, you make even the most embarrassing details of my life hot! You can be my honey pot any time ... err ... I mean, we can SHARE a honey pot any time. ~Bear Cat

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  30. We bet your mom and dad are out buying stuff for YOU both!

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  31. Pooh Bear, you should be nice to your sister and not worry her about all that crone-a-virus stuff. Go on, give her that hug now.

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  32. Ellie Mae I nibble on plasties [plastic], too. Mom thinks I'm weird that way and so does Dad. He teases that "I have a petroleum deficiency." Whatever that means. Does The Boy say that to you, too? Winks and purrs.

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    Replies
    1. Smellie usually doesn't chew on plastic around him. I wonder why ... ~Bear Cat

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