Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Momma Kat ... party of three

The Boy's out of town and it's just Momma and the two cats. Will she survive? And how badly will she need a vacation after The Boy gets back?

EM: Ellie Mae
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat

EM: M'ow mew meyooow 'ow mwaw.
MK: I can't understand you, Ellie. Calm down a little bit and then tell me what's going on.
EM: Mwaw meow ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: What?!? I didn't do it!
MK: What did you do to your sister to upset her?
BC: Phht. Let me tell you ... it doesn't take much. You even look at her funny and she tells you off. Last time I pointed out that she waddles, she almost sat on me! Talk about being sensitive.
EM: Mew meyowl 'ow mwaw!!
MK: Not this again! Come on! I spend half my life staring at your butt, and the other half listening to you complain to me.
BC: Now you know what it's like for the non-females of the world.
EM: Mew meyowl 'ow mwaw!!

MK: Come on, Ellie! Not right in my face!
BC: She sure knows how to throw her weight around!
MK: If you didn't do it, then what is she so upset about?
BC: She wants to know where her Daddy is. She thinks you did something to him because he didn't come home last night.
MK: He's out of town!
EM: M'OW MEW meYOOOW 'OW MWAH!!!
BC: She says he didn't say good bye! Makes perfect sense to me.
MK: He tried to! Remember? You kept running away from him!
EM: Mwah m'ow meeee-ow mew!
{Silence}
MK: Psst! Bear! What'd she say?
BC: What?! I don't listen to her! That's cruel and unusual punishment. Especially when she goes around yelling at every body. Even I have standards!
MK: {AHEM!}
BC: Okay okay - but this is the LAST time I'm translating for YELLIE. She said that if he really loved her, he would've chased her until he caught her.
MK: I TOLD him she was playing hard to get. Anyway, he had a plane to catch!
BC: Phht. He's a little slow catching everything else.
MK: BEAR! He insisted she didn't want to be around him. 
BC: Whatever would give him THAT idea? I've been trying for eighteen months for him to figure out I don't want to be around him!
MK: You say that, but ...
BC: GET OUT OF MY FACE, SMELLIE! CAN'T YOU SEE MOMMA AND I ARE HAVING A MOMENT?! Is it MY fault your Daddy abandoned you?
MK: BEAR!
BC: WHAT?!? I'm in your lap ... not her ... and her yelling is just annoying.
MK: Have a little kindness, Bear!
BC: Hmph. Like it's MY fault The Boy couldn't stand being around her. YOU would never leave me like that!!
MK: Err ...
BC: Wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: YOU HAVE LEFT ME LIKE THAT! You went to Conferences and a tasty whole chicken farm ... and you ABANDONED me like Smellie's been abandoned by The Boy!
EM: It's not fair! My Daddy's gone! He didn't even say goodbye! Bear's been in your lap for DAYS. I'm LAPLESS! And LONELY! And this would NEVER happen if my Daddy were here!

BC: But he's not here.
EM: My Daddy LEFT me! I'm going to turn into Ellie-burgers!
BC: Ooh. That actually sounds ...
EM: ... and a fur coat.
BC: Phht. Don't be ridiculous. Who would want an all black fur coat?! BOR-RING. Handsome stripey pants all the way, baby!
EM: Daddy left me to fend for myself and he doesn't even care! That's cold! Especially after all the love I've given him. And he didn't even say GOODBYE! 
BC: Probably happy to be away from Yellie! Probably didn't want to listen to you tell him off for leaving. 
MK: BEAR! Ellie, he tried to say goodbye, remember?
EM: This is almost as bad as the other day when you gave Daddy a hug and your lap and Daddy's lap faced each other and touched. It was just a huge waste of good laps! And here I am ... AGAIN. LAPLESS. Hello sorrow, my old friend ...
MK: Oh, for the ...
EM: I'm going to drown my sorrows in my food bowl!
MK: BEAR! Don't you DARE walk through that gaping opening she left you.
BC: Phht. Gaping opening? She smashes everything she sees. That's why there's a giant opening. Pretty soon she's not going to even fit through the door!
MK: BEAR! 
EM: When I'm sad, I eat! When I'm hungry, I eat! When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm lonely, I eat.
BC: So pretty much you never stop eating.
EM: Come down here and say that to my face, sissy boy!
MK: Both of you! Knock off all the drama! You both are just fine. Daddy will be home tomorrow and there are plenty of laps to go around.
BC: Thank goodness for all those doughnuts. Can you imagine how small Momma's lap would be if she didn't eat them? Hashtag TinyLapBigCat.
MK: REALLY? Insulting your sister isn't enough? You have to give me back-handed insults?
BC: Don't be ridiculous. I have PAWS and not HANDS. And I tell it like it is.
EM: Then tell my Daddy he's a jerk wad for leaving me here ALL ALONE amongst the non-Dweebles!
BC: That's the first thing you've said that makes sense.
EM: Then tell yourself that I need a lap DESPERATELY and give me my turn on Momma's lap!

BC: And you wonder why I call her "Yellie!" SHEESH. You never shut up ... but she's even worse!
EM: Then get off her lap so I can be on it! PLEASE?!? I'll give you my wet food treat for the next ...
MK: NO!
BC: HEY! I agree!! I agree!
MK: No, you don't.
BC: Phht. You tell me that I get my claws clipped and my teeth brushed - but now you're limiting the benefits of having a stupid sister? You can't tell me what to do! I'm my own cat!
MK: Bear ...
BC: HEY! Why'd you stop rubbing my ears?! Did I tell you that you could ... PUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRR. That's better!
EM: I'm going to shrivel up and die of loneliness and laplessness! This is the worst day ever! And you're just selfish! And mean! And a LAP HOG!

BC: Hmmm ... that gives me an idea ...
MK: Uh oh. When you get an "idea" things start getting interesting around here.
BC: Can I borrow some bleach, Momma?
MK: Borrow? As in you'll give it back?
BC: Humans. Overthinking everything. I need bleach.
MK: Why? 
BC: It's a surprise.
MK: Because you saw me without pants again?
BC: I told you we'd never speak of that again. But of course, you blab away. I don't need MIND BLEACH ... I need REAL bleach!
MK: I know you're not volunteering to clean the litter box.
BC: Speaking of ... did you see what a certain sister did?! I'm not going to tell you who it is ... but her name starts with "Smell" and ends with "ie." She pooped along and on the WALL of the litter box! How RUDE!
EM: HEY! I'm the courteous one! You poop in the middle of the box so I have to step in it to do my business!
BC: Nice try. Blaming your smelliness on me!
MK: Come on, you two. Every time we try two litter boxes you both only use the same one.
BC: Bleach?
MK: I don't think so.
BC: No! See ... wait! I need bleach to put two lines down Smellie's back!
MK: No.
BC: I just want to help her make friends! She said she was really lonely with The Boy being gone. I'm just trying to help.
EM: Aww ... that's swee ...
BC: And who would put up with her smell but skunks? 
EM: HEY!
MK: Bear, no pimping your sister out to skunks.
{Pause}
MK: Now THERE'S something I never expected to have to say.
BC: Then why did you say it? Come on! She waddles like a skunk and smells like a skunk ... for all intents and purposes, she's a skunk! She probably talks like a skunk too! And anyway, isn't bleach used to get rid of annoying things? Like Yellie?
MK: Bear.
BC: Even her Daddy doesn't want her!
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!
BC: Uh oh. My whole name. And it only took five minutes! SCORE!
MK: Don't say that The Boy doesn't want her! It's not true and you know it. Apologize to your sister.
BC: Err ... I'm sure she'd fit in with skanks and skinks.
MK: That is NOT an apology.
BC: It's not MY fault she's so sensi ...
{Pause}
BC: I'm sorry, Smellie.
MK: Bear?
BC: Yellie.
MK: BEAR!
BC: Oops. Ellie Mae. Hmph. She can have your lap ...
EM: You are a pretty decent brother, Bear. THANK YOU...
BC: I'm done with it anyway. And I need to brainstorm how to bleach your fur.
EM: I love you, Momma. I'm glad you're here. You're the best thing ever.

MK: I have to go to the bathroom.
EM: Awwwww! Can I come with you and sit on your lap in there?
MK: Ellie!
{Momma runs off to the bathroom - with Ellie right behind her - and comes back to sit in her desk chair again but Bear is blocking the way}
BC: Don't even think about it. You have to pay the toll.
MK: Excuse me?
BC: THE TOLL.
MK: Not THIS again! You shook me down earlier for treats!
BC: I'm the gatekeeper.
MK: No. You're bored, so you PLAY gatekeeper.
BC: Are you going to pay the toll or not?
MK: I'm going to need a vacation after dealing with you two by myself for a few days! No. A REALLY stiff drink. Or ten. And a massage.
BC: The toll?
MK: What's the toll this time?
BC: Ten ... no. Make that FIFTEEN tuna treats.
MK: WHAT?!? That's ridiculous! No way. Besides, if I wait a few minutes you'll fall asleep anyway.
{Ten minutes pass and Bear is still awake}
MK: Okay okay! Fifteen tuna treats.
EM: Do I get them too?!?
BC: Due to inflation, the toll is now a tasty whole chicken.

MK: I wouldn't even know where to get one of those!
BC: THE TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN STORE!
MK: Bear ... you'd run from a tasty whole chicken.
BC: That's what I have you for. Might as well be good for something!
MK: I'm NOT giving you a tasty whole chicken.
BC: Then you can't get by.
MK: You're lucky I don't step on you.
BC: You're lucky that my toll is only valid for this half of the house.
EM: Well, if there are tuna treats or tasty whole chickens in it for me, I'll take the other half.
MK: NO NO NO NO NO! No one is getting a toll!
BC: Smellie, you always ruin it for me!
EM: NO! Your STUPID IDEAS ruin it for you!
BC: Will you just SHUT UP for a few seconds?
EM: WHAT?! So I'll listen to your nonsense?
BC: Come closer and I'll share my nonsense.
EM: I'd like to see you try.
BC: I HATE ... WHAT?!? Momma! How did you get past the gatekeeper?
MK: My gatekeepers were too busy fighting to do any gatekeeping.
BC: Smellie! YOU'RE FIRED!
EM: Awww. You were arguing too!
MK: Don't listen to him, Ellie.
EM: Phht. I never do. I just do me, ignore the trolls, collect the tolls and be fabulous.

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40 comments:

  1. You two, er three, do know how to be a party party!

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    Replies
    1. It's my Momma's fault! She said no naked torties and no tasty whole chickens and no tanks! What does all that mean? NO FUN! ~Bear Cat

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  2. Oh Ellie, we're so sorry you're sad today.

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  3. Awww, Ellie. We're sorry your Daddy had to go out of town. Next time don't run so fast and he'll catch you. Then you'll get a hug and kiss goodbye.

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    Replies
    1. I did try to say goodbye, and ellie ran from me. She likes her momma better anyway.

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    2. I'm a flirt. I figure if he really cares about me, he'll catch me. Most times, he does! ~Ellie Mae

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  4. Ellie, you’re so sweet. When your daddy returns, it will be a nice reunion. Bear, I can’t believe you had to push it on the toll. She was going to give you 15 treats!

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    Replies
    1. Actually, when I came home, ellie ran from me and bear scratched at me and hissed. I’m beginning to think that bear might not like me.

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    2. Not entirely fair. I mean, I HAD just traumatized them by brushing teeth and clipping claws ...

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  5. Don't be sad, Ellie. Next time let your daddy catch you to say goodbye, okay?

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    Replies
    1. But ... but ... what would be the point of letting him catch me? ~Ellie Mae

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  6. AMARULA: Good job Bear- I can't believe she described you as a "decent brother" clearly you have them all fooled can't wait to see what your next move is!!

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  7. Poor Ellie! I always have to tell Mudpie when I'm leaving or she falls apart too, even if it's just for a few hours!

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  8. When you're a mama, you need two laps to go with the multiple hands when you have more than one pet. Just ask Sam and Elsa.

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  9. Bear, you have such a tough life. We have real skunks around our house, Bear, and trust us, you wouldn't want Ellie to be one. Ellie, hope your daddy returns soon. XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer

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  10. Oh no, I'm sorry that you don't have your daddy's lap to sit in, Ellie! I'm sure he'll be back soon. And Bear, if your momma won't give you bleach, you could try white chalk...

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  11. Bear, tell your sisfur to shape up. All that whining doesn't become her.

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    Replies
    1. I know! She should use her claws and fangs and be done with it like we are! ~Bear Cat

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  12. I am so sorry, I was feeling sorry for Ellie til I just read Cathy Keisha's comment and now I am dying laughing!!

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    Replies
    1. She should use her claws and fangs and be done with it like the rest of us respectable cats! ~Bear Cat

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  13. A double lap? MeOW Now that would be cool. All we have is mommy's lap and it ain't very big. Somehow our mommy seems to spread 'round the middle and that takes up our purrecious lap space. That ain't right, just not right at all. But, we think you're bein' a little selfish awnty Kat. You really do need to get Bear and Ellie a tasty whole chicken every now and then. After all, you DO luv them, don't you? MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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  14. "When their laps touched." OMD, that's too funny.

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  15. we getz a sneekin suzpizshunz MK iz gonna kneadz a vacationz onze dad comez home !!!!!!
    :) ♥♥♥ keep up de grate werk guyz .... tho dood....honest lee....we wood walk 5 milez outta de
    way bee for payin a chicknz toll :)

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  16. Does Ellie want a little cheese with her w(h)ine?
    Hugs madi your bfff

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  17. Poor Ellie ! We're sorry you're lap-less ! Purrs

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  18. Ellie, really, the solution to your lap issue is clear. If doughnuts begat large laps, just skip the in-between part where your mamma eats them and go straight for sitting on the nuts themselves. Simples, as a certain meerkat over here would say.
    Purrs
    ERin

    PS. the downside of this is you'll get sugar and jelly on you bum so may find Bear hovering even more. Every great plan has a risk, huh?

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  19. And fabulous you are, Ellie! Maybe Crazy Pinkie could be your bouncer for when Bear shows up at some of the drinking and eating holes and play areas on your side of the house. Tee hee hee. Winks.

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