Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Bear shows Momma his inbox

Bear gets THE e-mail ... the one that will finance his wildest dreams. What are his plans?

BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: Do you have a bank account?
MK: What?!
BC: A bank account ... you know, to hold your money? Because I've followed you around for days trying to see if you have a stash around here and nothing. You've got to have money somewhere. 
MK: A what?!
BC: B ... A ...
MK: Oh, for the love, Bear. I know how to spell it. I'm just not sure why you want to know.
BC: I figure you have like ten million dollars.
MK: Why would you figure that?
BC: As miserly as you are with the treats, you must have a ton saved up. I mean, even with Smellie eating you out of house and home and all ...
MK: I don't have nearly that ...
BC: Oh, FINE! Harp on me having to SHARE with Smellie but then refuse to share your money!

MK: Now wait a minute ... huh. I can't really argue with that.
BC: If you don't have ten million ... WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN SPENDING MY MONEY ON!?!
MK: YOUR money? You don't make any money!
BC: I thought making money was called counterfeiting! 
MK: Not literally making money, Bear. I mean you don't bring in money. EARN money.
BC: Oh, sure. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free!
MK: BEAR!
BC: I let you cuddle me ... I give you pre-authorized belly time ... I sleep with you to keep you warm, I allow you to grab me willy nilly when the world just gets to be too much, and I pose for your stupid pictures.
MK: FOR. THE. BLOG. You're the star, remember?
BC: I demand that we revise my contract.
MK: You don't have a contract.
BC: WHAT?! Why not?
MK: Because you're a HOUSE CAT.
BC: Oh, sure. Revert to calling me names!
MK: That's not what I ...
BC: I'VE BEEN SCREWED! AGAIN! Triple hard this time.
MK: Bear! Keep it down! Do you want the neighbors to hear?
BC: HEEEEEEEEELP! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLP! Someone! I've been catnapped! I don't know this woman! She's trying to kill me! She's trying to kill me!
EM: {walking into the room} OH! Just in time! I want to watch!
MK: Bear, the neighbors know about you by now. They stopped calling the police years ago. They certainly know about ... err ... your flair for the dramatic.
EM: That's one way to put it.
BC: She's clipping my claws! She's brushing my teeth! She's STARVING me! HEEEELP! Does that sound like someone who loves me? SAVE ME BEFORE ...
{The phone rings}
MK: I'm so sorry. I'll tell him to keep it down.
BC: Down?! Keep WHAT down? The ugly truth?
MK: THE NOISE!
BC: I'm not the one that just shouted.
MK: Bear, the neighbors can hear you and they'd rather not hear your "M'row"ing.
BC: A dead body! There's a dead body in here! No, Momma! You can't bury the body ...
MK: Momma? I thought you didn't know me?
BC: RATS! You tricked me! AGAIN! Women are tricky.

EM: Like it's really that hard to trick boys ...
BC: Oh, shut up!
{Bear walks off and comes back a few minutes later}
BC: If you did have a bank account, would the number start with 927?
MK: Phht. Yeah ...
{Pause}
MK: Wait a second ...
BC: BINGO!
MK: No tanks. No tiaras. No bazookas. No tasty whole chickens. And no dancing torties.
BC: OOH! So I can buy a chicken cannon? You didn't mention a chicken cannon.
MK: NO! What would you do with any of that?
BC: Be a complete bad-ass!
MK: You don't think your shark accomplishes that?
BC: I'm so glad I'm not going to have to put up with your miserly ways. I can buy the stuff myself!
MK: Stick up a bank with claws and fangs?
EM: Or farts! Hahahaha.
BC: I'd take an exploding Smellie. Feed her until she's about to blow ... and then BOO-YAH in their faces.
MK: Then where are you getting the money from? You certainly aren't going to EARN it.
BC: That's what I have Smellie for. She earns the money and I tell her what to do.
EM: That isn't how this ...
BC: You don't appreciate my ... err ...

{Pause}
BC: TALENTS!
EM: That's ONE word for it.
BC: Did I ask you, Smellie Yellie Bellie?
MK: I don't think tearing up the couch and chewing the slats off blinds count as talents.
BC: It's REDECORATING! I do a lot around here! You should THANK ME! Most people pay big bucks to get what I do for you for free! 
MK: Yes, I remember. The cow and the milk for free.
BC: No more! I'm a business cat! And I don't have to depend on my Momma for money anymore.
MK: I'm going to regret asking ... but why?
BC: I inherited eight million dollars! I just need your bank account information so they can wire my money into your account.
MK: Not this again.
BC: NO! This is for REAL! My long lost .. err ... uncle just died and he left me eight million dollars. We just need your help on transferring the money. This is the best day ever!
MK: Bear, are many words spelled wrong? Does the grammar make sense or is it atrocious?
BC: Maybe you didn't hear me ... EIGHT. MILLION. DOLLARS. I don't care if he can't spell. Hell, I don't care if he doesn't speak English!
MK: Bad English is usually indicative of ...
BC: This isn't the time to be a snob about spelling and grammar.
MK: And this long lost relative is from Nigeria?
BC: WHHHHHOOOA! How did you know ...

{Pause}
BC: WAIT. A. MINUTE. You've been reading my e-mail!
MK: Bear, the Nigerian thing has been around for years. Remember last time you got one of these?
BC: AND YOU RUINED IT FOR ME LAST TIME TOO! You want me to be poor and destitute. You want me to beg for every little bit of food. 
MK: Don't give me that. You have a full bowl of kibble every day ... you get a wet food treat every evening ... and treats on top of that. Not to mention all the cool stuff we get to try out for our blog. You're spoiled and get more in a month that most cats do in a lifetime!
BC: You could've fooled me! I saw all the food and cat stuff you donated a couple weeks ago!
MK: And since then have you gone hungry?
BC: Err ...
MK: Toyless?
BC: Well ...
MK: Cat bed-less?
BC: Well, there was that one time Smellie was in my bed.
MK: But you have five other beds to sleep in!
BC: I don't know. It's not like I COUNTED them or something. Can I go sister-less?

MK: No.
BC: It's not every day a long lost relation kicks the bucket and leaves you money. Not that you would understand. None of YOUR long lost relations have left you money. I wonder why that is.
MK: Because I ignore those kinds of e-mails!
BC: Then don't poop on my plans! It's your own fault you're poor.
MK: Bear, my father tracked our family back to the time of the Reformation. There aren't any long lost relatives in our family.
BC: So you poop on MY luck that I have one?
MK: Bear, I get those e-mails too and I know with 99.9% certainty that they aren't real.
BC: Miss-Know-It-All!
MK: Besides, you're a cat. You can't legally inherit anything.
BC: Who made up that nonsense?!
MK: Umm ... legally, cats are property.
BC: Of all the ... THAT'S F***ED UP! You humans think you can keep us down ... well, let me tell you, with my new found wealth, I have a plan for world domination.
EM: I can confirm the existence of that plan. But I told him I wouldn't participate.
BC: Maybe the laws in Nigeria are different. You just enjoy ruining my good time!
MK: Let me see the e-mail!
BC: I bet we can find a picture so you can see the family resemblance for yourself! 
EM: What? He wears prison stripes too? And he has a huge butt? I don't know that he's really trust ...
BC: My uncle is DEAD! It's his barrister. What is a barrister?
MK: Lawyer.
BC: Well, why didn't he just SAY that?!
MK: Bear, neither of them are real.
BC: What do you mean, he's not real? I e-mailed him for the past few hours! Who would be replying to my e-mails?
MK: It's a scam.
BC: That stuff in a can?
MK: No. That's SPAM. Either way, it's not real.
BC: I bet Mr. Buf ... fay ... ani ... something something something ... how in the hell do you pronounce ... err ... this barrister gentleman would disagree.
MK: Let me see the e-mail!
BC: Okay. But if I show you my inbox, you can't get mad.
MK: MAD?! Why would I get mad?
BC: I made some ... inquiries ... 
MK: Let me ...

{Pause}
MK: BEAR! Chickens R Us? Tanks, Tanks, and More? What order? What sales quote?
BC: You said you wouldn't get mad. 
MK: HotTortie934? SweetTortie4U? 
BC: Hot tortie is Amarula and Sweet tortie is Mudpie.
MK: You asked Mudpie to run away with you? And you asked Ellie join in your plan for world domination?
BC: You said I'm supposed to share! I was sharing my plan.
EM: So I get some of your money?
MK: ELLIE! There is no money!
EM: You just don't want to let him share with me. I'm telling my Daddy!
MK: Bear, how are you going to pay for the orders you already made?
BC: Theoretically, how much could I get for selling Smellie?
MK: BEAR!
BC: I said theoretically!
MK: There's no point in considering that because you aren't selling your sister.
BC: What about your clothes?
MK: That's it. You're grounded from the internet.
BC: Then how do I get my ten million dollars?
MK: I thought it was eight.
BC: Err ...
The Boy: I'm home!
BC: Do you have a bank account?
The Boy: WHAT?! 
BC: A bank account ... you know, to hold your money?
The Boy: Ummm ...
BC: Okay. Security. That's smart. If you HAD an account, what would the number be?
The Boy: 123456789.
{Ellie snickers}
BC: Perfect! Oh, this is the best day ever! I just need to reply with the ...

{Pause}
BC: Wait a minute ... VERY FUNNY! I HATE YOU! I'm not sharing any of my money with you.
The Boy: Is that supposed to be a slam? Because you don't have any money.
BC: Just rub it in! I'll NEVER get my tasty whole chicken farm! Or a tank!

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37 comments:

  1. Bear. You know purrfectly well your mom will never give you her bank account info! Hoomins, so untrusting. However. Ellie is so sweet and believable... They might give HER the info. Something to ponder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHAT?!? I'm not sweet and believable?! Since when?!? ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  2. Yup, Bear, those are all scams. Believe me the best relatives are those that are alive and you like and who like you.... and have loads of money, always wanted a cat nephew but couldn't because of some strange illness, and have no kids of their own. Sadly they are few and far between in this life especially for us cats. On the other paw, theres always a deal to be done if you know the right people and are prepared to be a tabbie toy boy for some hot tortie tottie!?
    Toodle pips and purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
  3. dood.....we getted an emailz that toll uz we had sum bodee die that waz sum kinda rel a tive in
    sum kinda countree N we waz gettin a huge ...make that HUGE chunk oh change two.....with yur cash
    N R cash we figure we will bee richer than that investor dood..... { ore we could MAKE money N we
    can show ya how ta make it look reel ;) ♥♥☺☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We should get money to compensate us for looking cute 24/7! Well, Smellie's a bit challenged in that respect ... but I'll just leave it where it is. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  4. Money is the root of all evil, Bear! And you are too sweet to go all Satan and Devil-y on us!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... My Momma says that I am the root of all evil in our house ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  5. BEAR!!! Mommy didn't know I have my own email account! Now my cover is blown!!! (I guess it helps that I'm sweet tortie instead of hot tortie though...) MOL!!! --Mudpie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you said you wouldn't leave your Mommy! That should be worth bonus points! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. Uh-oh, we think Bear and the internet might not mix too well. Don't they have cat-proof settings that Mama could set? :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. AMARULA: Hey did you hear that Mudpie?!?!! I'm hot and you're sweet-- for a tortie with any self respect HOT is where it's at - sweet is shameful!! Bear I have to thank you for the best idea ever--selling Frodo online!! I am setting up an email account now!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Phht. You probably would have to pay someone to take him ... anyone smarter than him that is. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  8. You know Bear, there was a cat union run by Austin, but he hasn't blogged in a while,Maybe you could contact him about this contract. Seems to me a lot of money is owed to you or at least some tasty whole chickens.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Well, we quit readin' after the furst naughty word. Mommy says we're too young and tender eared fur such language. Have fun. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe not, but we still luv ya'll. Big hugs

      Luv ya'

      Dezi and Raena

      Delete
  10. That's it. You all made my DAY. I am so glad to meet you. XX (wish you knew our Admiral, a Tortie beyond compare...but she flew to the Bridge 6 years ago. Her beauty is and will remain, legend.

    ReplyDelete
  11. We've tried to get our Mom's bank account but she somehow outsmarts us.

    The Florida Furkids

    ReplyDelete
  12. I never worry about bank accounts because I'm a pampurred pussycat pwincess and I'm waited on paw and tail.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh boy! You're so lucky! We don't have email, and now we think we're missing out.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Just let the humans worry about money, Bear. It'll make you miserable if you start thinking about it!

    Purrs xx
    Athena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm ... My Momma says that I am the root of all evil in our house ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  15. Oh Bear...you have been up to some serious mischief.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Bear, I don’t know why but the lady got a huge kick out of seeing your your email inbox. I don’t want all the stuff you do, so I don’t worry about money. I get food and treats and sun puddles all the time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have the life, Annie. Even with that brother of yours!

      Delete
  17. Oh man, Bear has an email account? I wonder if my cats have emails and I just don't know. I probably don't want to know, though. And Bear, you definitely need to watch out for those scam emails, no matter how much money they say they have for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a bit of a crush on Woodrow ... you don't happen to have his e-mail address do you? ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
  18. I don't know about those emails you've been getting from that mister that says you'll inherit some money. They smell fishy to me, and not in a good way, but in the stanky spoiled way that only doggies and vultures would like. Maybe you could consult with the Tabbies o' Trout Towne, 'cause I'm suspecting the Loan Shark may be using an alias and sending you those emails. Winks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe the Loan Shark heard I was going by the name "Shark" and thought he'd sabotage my plans! ~Bear Cat

      Delete