Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 4

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

BC: Bear Cat Kat

MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat

BC: I finished my Valentine's Day tribute,"Road To Torties."
MK: ROAD?
BC: An ode ... but suggesting a road to realizing torties are perfection. Want to hear it?
MK: Do I have a choice?
BC: Not really.
MK: Go ahead.
BC: Torties are gorgeous shades of black and white and brown,
With unique personalities of much renown.
{Pause}
BC: To love torties is to know and grasp perfection,
Looking at their faces with endless affection.
{Pause}
BC: Torties are exquisite, unique, and know their minds.
Torties are the very best felines you can find.
{Silence}
BC: Well?
MK: Very ... creative.
BC: Do you think I'll ever get in a tortie's pants?
MK: Did you find one that wears pants?
BC: You're awfully perky with The Boy gone.
MK: I'm treating myself and that makes me happy. Bacon pizza. With whole strips of bacon! Doesn't get any better than ...
BC: {AHEM}. Forgetting something?
MK: WHAT?!? I didn't leave the stove on again, did ...
{Pause as Momma thinks}
MK: NO! You're RIGHT! I left a load of laundry in the dryer!
BC: {AHEM!}
MK: What?
BC: Doesn't get any better?
MK: You're right, Bear. You are better than a pizza. 
BC: Nice try.
MK: Now, doughnuts on the other hand ...
BC: Just keep digging, Momma.
MK: What do you mean?
BC: Try again.
MK: Try what again?
BC: What I want.
MK: I see you staring at my empty plate and then looking at me ... you want my pizza!
BC: Ding ding dong! Only you were selfish enough not to give me any.
MK: It's people food!
BC: Well, let me tell you ... you can't eat our kibble! Or our wet food! That's how you want to play this? FINE!
MK: Ummm ...
BC: OH! So now our food isn't good enough for you.
EM: {walking into the room} Did someone say ... FOOD?
{Bear uses the distraction to lick Momma's plate clean of the crumbs}
MK: {grabbing the plate} Give me that!
BC: Someone has bacon pizza and isn't sharing.
EM: OH! OH! Let me guess who!
BC: Ugh. What do you mean, WHO?
EM: So do I get to guess?
BC: Go ahead - knock yourself out.
EM: The big bad wolf!
BC: I don't know how I've survived this long. This is just ... painful. Stupid sisters AND mean pizza-hogging Mommas!
EM: I want some pizza!
BC: Momma's not sharing. 
EM: Why would Momma have the big bad wolf's pizza?
BC: BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE WOLF'S! IT'S MOMMA'S PIZZA!
EM: That's cold, Momma. You won't share with us?
BC: She ATE IT ALL! Well, except for the crumbs I licked from her plate.
EM: HEY! I want crumbs!
BC: Tell the doughnut butt piggy over here!
EM: Last time I called you a piggy and talked about how huge your butt is, you got mad at me.
BC: Not ME, you idiot! Momma's the piggy!
MK: How about we do wet food treat time now?
BC: Phht. You're not getting out of this THAT easy!
EM: Can we have tuna?
MK: Sure.
EM: I'm okay with wet food treat time being now.
BC: You have to stand up for your rights! Hold out against the injustices of Mommas!
MK: Tuna and whitefish?
BC: OH! It's wet food food time! It's wet food time!
EM: OH! Me first! Me first!
BC: The line starts here.
EM: But you got the pizza crumbs! And you always get your food first.
BC: There's a reason for that.
EM: Because otherwise you'll go ninja cat on one of Momma's favorite things?
BC: Phht. I AM her favorite thing.
EM: You've kicked your own behind more than once.
MK: Alright! All set! Food time!
EM: YAY!!!!!
MK: Here you go, Bear.
BC: Nope.
MK: WHAT?! You didn't even sniff it!
BC: I can just tell. 
MK: What's wrong with it?
BC: Tuna and whitefish. HARDLY.
MK: Fine. I'll just give your portion to Ellie.
{Momma comes back and sets down the empty plate}
BC: {AHEM!!!} Aren't you forgetting something?
MK: No. You wouldn't eat it.
BC: This is where you give me something I will eat!
MK: It's hard to know what that might be these days. ESPECIALLY because I suspect you eat the original food after I give you something else.
BC: LOOK! This empty plate is looking at me funny and mocking me!
{Pause}
BC: I'm being discriminated against for having discerning taste! I'm not going to stand for this in my own home!
MK: I'm going to refill the water dishes.
BC: OH! Now you're IGNORING ME. No one ignores Bear Cat Kat! I'll make you ... I'll ...
MK: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *&@^ the &*^!
BC: Whoa. I didn't even do anything yet! It's like a voodoo doll without the doll!
MK: You imagined me dumping a bowl of water in your cat cube?
BC: WHAT?! Now where am I going to sleep? Phht. Don't be ridiculous. I imagined you dumping it on Smellie. Two birds with one stone and all. But the water's supposed to stay in the bowl ... although I suppose you now could call the cat cube a water-bed. Hahahahahahaha.
MK: Okay okay. I'll throw all the cat beds in the washer.
BC: Don't you think a certain black fur-ball might benefit from the cold cycle?
MK: Bear, that's not even funny. Sisters don't go in the washer.
BC: You want to know what's not funny? MY PLATE IS STILL EMPTY!!!
MK: Alright. Alright. Let me get the wash started and then I'll give you some Squeeze-Ups.
BC: And they say you're a bad Momma.
MK: Who's THEY? Because you're the only one that's called me a bad Momma. I should talk to the Hartz people about promoting their product. It's the only thing you'll eat EVERY TIME. We aren't sponsored or compensated by them - but we should be! You love these things. Last week, when you turned your nose up at several of your favorite wet foods - you still ate them.
BC: Less talking. More feeding.
MK: Okay. Here you go, Bear.
BC: Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!
MK: {Momma accidentally squeezes some of the Squeeze Up on Bear's back} #&*@!
EM: Hahahahahahaha.
MK: SHHHH!
BC: NUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUMNUM ...
EM: Umm ... Bear?
MK: Don't you DARE! 
EM: He looks ridiculous!
MK: Better than when he acts ridiculous. 
BC: {taking a break} What's going on over there? Is my tail stuck in my ...
EM: Nothing!
BC: Good then keep it down so I can enjoy my snack. I love these Squeeze-Ups! It's like a party for my mouth!
EM: And that isn't all!
BC: What?
EM: Nothing.
BC: Why do I get the feeling you're laughing at me for something?
EM: Because I'm always laughing at you for something.
BC: And you wonder why I'm mean to you. How rude. Don't you have a toaster to stick your paw in or something?
EM: Phht. Even I'm not THAT stupid!
BC: Hey, now! I used to stick my paw in the toaster all the time!
EM: That's explains what happened.
BC: What happened to what?
EM: I'm going to take a nap!
BC: We were right in the middle of talking!
EM: I'm tired.
BC: I hear the toilet is comfortable. 
EM: Oh, shut up!
{Pause as Ellie considers where to nap}
EM: {GASP!} Someone stole our cat tree furnishings! Where am I going to sleep?
BC: I already gave you my opinion ...
EM: {LOUDER GASP} SOMEONE STOLE MY LAP BED while I ate my snack! We can't let these degenerates get away with this! Call 911! Call our lawyer! Call the president! Who would do such a thing? This is a disaster! NO! It's even WORSE than a disaster! It's a catastrophe! A cataclysm! The end of the world!
{Pause}
EM: Or maybe it ran away. But still ... who would do something like ...
{Pause}
EM: BEAR!
BC: What?! Now you, too? Why does everyone blame me for everything? I didn't do it!
MK: Ellie, I put all the bedding stuff in the washer.
EM: But WHY? 
MK: Because I dumped water in one of the beds.
EM: Does that make it a water bed?
{Bear snickers in the background}
EM: ALL of our beds are gone! My lap bed! The cat tree furnishings. The cat cube bed. The shark bed! Even the cover to the cat shelf!











BC: The Boy's gone. You know how Momma gets. All productive and buzzing around and acting lost and grabby hands and stuff.
EM: But where am I going to sleep?
BC: {GASP!} My cat cube! It's GONE!
EM: Are you even listening?
BC: What? Did you say something?
EM: I said ...
BC: No. Never mind. I'm not going to listen this time either.
EM: You should stop being mean to me! One day I'm going to be as big as you and you won't find it so funny!
MK: BEAR! Don't even ...
BC: Umm ... I hate to break it to you sister ... but we're within a couple of ounces of each other weight-wise. You're the size of a hippo!
EM: Then so are you!
{Momma snickers}
BC: Well, I ... YOU ... prepare to die! I don't have to take this!
EM: Leave me alone, Bear!
BC: I just want to hug you!
EM: While biting my neck?
BC: You'll be lucky if that's all it is!
{The cats fight for a good half hour - ignoring Momma's attempts to get them to stop}
MK: {coming out of the bathroom} Talk about major kitty trauma. Everykitty's restless and taking it out on each other. Who knew the beds were ...
{Momma stops in her tracks}
MK: OH! MY! GOODNESS! Group hug! Group hug!
BC: What the &*@%!?
EM: Haven't you seen two cats on the same couch before?
MK: Well, yeah. But you two are MINE!
BC: Define, "mine" because ...
{Pause as Bear looks at Momma}
BC: Oh, crap. She's starting to cry. Grabby hands always follow.
EM: What do we do? Ignore her? Run? I swear, I didn't even know you were here! What's the big deal?
BC: This is like the tenth time today she's burst into tears for no apparent reason! I tell you, The Boy goes out of town and we ALL suffer!
MK: OH! I think the beds are done!
BC: Phew. That was a close one. But still, she's going to come back eventually.
MK: {as she distributes the bedding around the room} Fresh bedding! I bet you two are going to love this! 
BC: {rolling his eyes} Right. 
{Momma continues to work} 
MK: There we go! All set! Which bed are you going to ... 
{Momma stops talking when she sees Ellie ...} 
MK: ELLIE! Don't you want one of the clean, warm beds?
EM: No, thanks. I have the bestest bed in the whole world.
BC: Phht. Somekitty doesn't get out much. Makes perfect sense that she loves The Boy ... talk about a lack of standards!
MK: Figures. I wash the cat beds and Ellie chooses a box. 
{Momma goes back to what she was working on when Bear interrupted her work ... until bed time.} 
MK: {seeing her bed} &^@% #$*# @$%! BEAR! 
BC: You're welcome. 
EM: What? What happened?
MK: Bear barfed all over the blanket on my bed! 
BC: That's what you get for misappropriating my cat cube! 
MK: If you love it so much, why aren't you in it? Noooo. You're in another bed. 
BC: Phht. I was in a doughnut bed kind of mood. 
MK: Bear! I just washed that blanket earlier! 
BC: See? Now I gave you something else to do so you don't have time to think about The Boy being out-of-town! You should be thanking me!
MK: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. 
EM: I think something's stuck in Momma's gears!
BC: Yeah. My butt! Hahahahaha.

Featured posts:

32 comments:

  1. I have heard of cat napping, but never napping the napping cats napping accoutrements! This sounds serious–way more than pizza with fattening bacon serious. Maybe best you guys leave the crime scene and head to a paid motel for a night of luxury pampering whilst the feds check for dabs (not small fish) and see if the villain, who has fled the scene, is known to them?
    Purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Last time my Momma used the word, "Pampering" we got our claws clipped!

      Delete
  2. How do you survive, Bear, with your Momma hogging all of the pizza? There must be a law against that. And Ellie, Lexy agrees - that's the best bed ever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not even ONE piece! She couldn't even spare ONE PIECE! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  3. Really Bear, an empty plate?!?! That'll never do!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Bear, you and Ellie are quite the comedy show!

    ReplyDelete
  5. AMARULA: Oh Bear!!!! I am swooning, absolutely SWOONING! It's the most wonderful (and believe it or not--only!!) poem anyone has ever written for me (cause I know if must be for me!!) Truer words were never spoken: To love torties is to know and grasp perfection,
    Looking at their faces with endless affection.
    Torties are exquisite, unique, and know their minds.
    Torties are the very best felines you can find.

    OH why why can''t my human appreciate me the way you do?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She's just intimidated by your perfection. I mean, think about it ... you are perfect ... she is not ... so she holds it against you. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  6. Of course the barf was punishment for the pizza not being shared.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Bear, Mudpie is pawsitively swooning! Sorry Amarula, she knows the poem was really written for her ;) SMOOCH!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Washing anything is a clear invitation for it to be puked, peed, or pooped on. Doesn't Mama know that?? :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. You turned your nose up at tuna? Maybe your mama should take your temperature!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Well, Bear, you definitely are not fickle. Your Tortie love is well known throughout the land.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh my word you two are the entire package handsome/beautiful and FUNNY
    Hugs Cecilia

    ReplyDelete
  12. Penny likes your song to torties. She already has a boyfriend though even though he is no longer blogging.

    ReplyDelete
  13. guyz....we R runnin bee hind heer; sorree for de copee N paste; will be bak ta reed thiz weekz
    post ~

    happee heartz day oh lovez frum all oh uz in de land oh trout ♥♥♥♥♥ ☺☺☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I put off Friday's post ... so behind ... and it's not very ... good.

      Delete
  14. Oh Bear, didn't anypawdy tell your mommy that pizza is kitty food? "Specially ifin it has bacon on it. Kittens, we can't believe she ate it all and didn't even share with ya'll. We're very generous when we have pizza. We always let mommy had a whole crust all to herself. Y, the last time, we even let her have some of the cheese too. Ya' know, mommy never washes our beds. 'Course, we don't exactly use 'em either. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You wouldn't believe how much we fur we got in the washer and dryer! WHOLE CATS WORTH!

      Delete
  15. PS LOVED your poem on Tortie's on Valentine's site!

    ReplyDelete
  16. You are quite the poet, Bear! You definitely deserved some pizza for that masterpiece!

    ReplyDelete