Friday, February 15, 2019

Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 5

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

EM: Where's Daddy? I thought he was home!
MK: He's sleeping. He drove for sixteen hours straight - the last couple hours in icy conditions.
BC: {from down the hall - to the tune of Paul Simon's song} Slip slidin’ away.
Slip slidin’ away.
You know the nearer your destination,
The more you’re slip slidin’ away.
MK: Bear, it's NOT funny.
BC: You're right. If something happened to him Smellie and my lives would be miserable like while The Boy was gone on this trip. NOT funny any all. We should demand hazard pay!
EM: But he didn't chase me!
MK: He was tired.
BC: He's home? I didn't see a big growling ogre ... well, besides Momma.
{Bear gets up from his napping and spot and notices the bedroom door is closed}
BC: {from down that hallway} WHY IS THIS DOOR CLOSED?

MK: BEAR! Shhhh! The Boy's sleeping!
BC: With tasty whole chickens?
EM: SCANDAL!
MK: Who said anything about ...
BC: {THUNK!} LET. {THUNK!} ME. {THUNK!} I KNOW YOU HAVE {THUNK!} TASTY WHOLE CHICKEN IN THERE! {THUNK!}
EM: That one had to hurt.
MK: BEAR! Stop throwing yourself against the door! The Boy is sleeping as he should. He doesn't need to deal with your nonsense.
BC: HEY! If tasty whole chickens are involved, it's never nonsense. But ...
{Pause}
BC: You ARE out here. That means you don't know about the chickens. Can you go in and make sure there aren't tasty whole chickens in there?
MK: Sure ...
{Momma opens the door}
BC: {rushing in to the room} Never mind. You'd lie to me! Here, CHICKENS CHICKENS CHICKENS! Let me love you!
EM: DON'T BELIEVE HIM! HIS WAY OF "LOVING" OTHER LIVING THINGS IS TO BITE THEIR NECKS!

BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! They don't have to know I want to eat them!
{Pause as Ellie snickers}
BC: RATS!
EM: So where are your chickens, Bear?
BC: I bet I JUST missed them! You know those chickens. VERY slippery and tricky. That's the only reason I haven't caught one yet.
The Boy: Wha? BuddyBear?
BC: Err ...
EM: DADDY! Chase me! Chase me!
The Boy: What's going on?
EM: Bear thought there were tasty whole chickens in here and Momma opened the door so he could see for himself.
MK: Not EXACTLY what happened ... but close enough.
EM: Chase me, Daddy!
The Boy: Daddy's tired, Baby Girl.
EM: PLEASE?!?
The Boy: Maybe later.
{Pause}
EM: Like now?
The Boy: This evening?
EM: You promise?
The Boy: Sure.
EM: Are you going to tell Bear off for being mean to me? And Momma for calling me Ellie Bellie?
The Boy: I ...
EM: NOPE! You have to chase me to touch me! BYE!
MK: She's getting really good at that. I'm sorry for all this. Bear! OUT!
BC: But I'm staking out the room for chickens! Don't tell the chickens, but I'm undercover.

MK: No. Daddy's sleeping! You can't be undercover in here.
BC: I don't know why I have to leave the ...
MK: BEAR!
BC: Sheesh. Grumpy grumpy.
{Momma closes the door behind her}
BC: Wait a ... YOU LET THE CHICKENS OUT!
EM: {from down the hall - to the tune of The Baha Men's song} Who let the chickens out? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?
BC: Who let The Boy in? WHO? WHO? WHO? WHO?
MK: What is this? Karaoke day at our house? Bear, can't we leave The Boy alone?
BC: NO! The door is closed! That means there are tasty whole chickens in there and you both are trying to hide them from me!
EM: Did someone say chickens?
BC: YEAH! They're in the bedroom!
EM: What are they doing in there?
BC: NOT being eaten!
EM: What can we do? Call the big bad wolf so he can huff and puff and blow the door down?
MK: Bear, you were JUST in there and there were no chickens.
BC: Phht. THEN.
EM: Maybe they're invisible chickens.
MK: You're not helping.
EM: If chickens are invisible, do you still hear them cluck? 
MK: ELLIE!
BC: If we ask the big bad wolf for help, won't he expect a commission of chickens?
EM: If they're invisible he can't count them. Joke's on him.
MK: This is ridiculous. You two are on your own. I'm not waiting around to find out what you two come up with next.
BC: More invisible chickens for us.
{Pause}
BC: {THUNK!} Let. Me. {THUNK!} In. So. I. {THUNK!} Can. Check. {THUNK!} For. Chickens! {THUNK!} I mean it! {THUNK!} I'm going to beat this door down! {THUNK!} Don't try ...

{Pause as the door opens}
BC: WHOA! I knew if I threw my body against it just right ...
The Boy: Bear, I'm sleeping!
BC: {running down the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The growling ogre's after me! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: We know! With invisible chickens!
The Boy: What?
BC: {running back up the hall} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!
EM: Bear! It's just Daddy!
The Boy: Just?
BC: {huffing and puffing} I admit {HUFF} ... big bad wolf {PUFF} ... had {HUFF} skills.
EM: Yeah! But what he did to those little piggies wasn't very nice.
BC: Relatives of yours?
EM: Oh, shut up!
The Boy: If you don't need me, I'm going back to bed.
BC: DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR! I know there are chickens in there!
EM: If they're invisible how will we find them?
BC: Hmmm ... a chicken whistle?
EM: Whoa! They make those?
BC: OBVIOUSLY. How else do you catch invisible chickens?
EM: You are so smart, Bear!
BC: I try not to brag.
{The bedroom door closes again}
BC: HEY! Chickens! Let. Me. In. I must do unspeakable things to those invisible chickens!

EM: {GASP} If chickens are invisible, can you still taste them?
BC: RATS! This is going to require some thought and research.
EM: WHOOOOOOOOOA. Maybe we ALREADY caught the invisible chickens!
BC: Hmmm ... have we caught the invisible chickens ... or have we NOT caught the invisible chickens? That's even more fundamental than, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?"
EM: The chicken!
{Pause}
EM: No! WAIT! The egg!
{Pause}
EM: Err ... that's a tough one. But it brings up a good point. Are invisible chicken hatched from invisible eggs?
BC: Then one could have invisible scrambled eggs!
EM: Invisible omelets! 
BC: Whoa! I wonder if making french toast with invisible eggs makes the toast invisible.
EM: This is good! This is good! All the fundamental questions of our day.
BC: Like WHERE ARE MY *&@^! CHICKENS!?

{Pause}
BC: DEPRIVING A CAT OF HIS CHICKENS IS IMMORAL AND UNETHICAL AND JUST PLAIN WRONG! MY LAWYER WILL ...
{Pause}
BC: {whispering} What do lawyers do again?
EM: Lawing?
BC: My lawyer will law you! Ha! Take that!
EM: You have a lawyer?
BC: Will you just shut up? It's called bluffing! Let them think I have a lawyer.
EM: But you don't.
BC: {sigh}.
EM: Unless it's an invisible lawyer.
BC: And I worry about them taking me seriously ... in comparison to you, I'm a flipping genius!
EM: You can do flips? COOL! Show me!
BC: {sigh} Maybe later.
EM: Everyone keeps saying LATER!

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31 comments:

  1. Awwww.. I think Ellie Bellie is cute.

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  2. Those closed doors always create problems Bear!

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  3. We sure don't like doors that are shut. Why can't we go in all the rooms. Hope you find that chicken Bear. Have a great day.

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    1. And it's just me and Smellie here to make sure that happens! We bet you have a powerful union of kitties at your house!

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  4. Bear, if there was such a thing as a psychiatrist for cats, I'd think you'd need a visit or two!
    LOL!

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  5. I can only imagine how much a lawyer would charge you, Bear. You'd keep him so busy. Would you pay him in invisible dollars?

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    1. Err ... do they allow cats in law school? It seems like the perfect fit for cats! ~Bear Cat

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    2. ps - Invisible money ... is that really a thing? Asking for a friend ...

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  6. Maybe it would just have been easier if The Boy left the door open, got some ear plugs and a blindfold. Seems like that's the only way he will get any sleep.

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    1. My Momma has heavily invested in ear plugs. Hmph. Better for me that she has no idea what I'm up doing! ~Bear Cat

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  7. BC...Just one more inch on your journey to tasty whole (invisible) chickens who are just beyond the threshold of that very door you spoke of.

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    1. Next time, those chickens are MINE! ~Bear Cat
      HEY! ~Ellie Mae
      Err ... ~Bear Cat

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  8. Mudpie can't cope with closed doors either, Bear. Twice she has gotten shut in the basement accidentally and she just sits there and screams LOL

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    1. That's the funny thing ... I can't stand being closed into or out of a room ... but I'll sit in the pantry with the door closed for hours and not make a peep. Yep. Momma now makes sure to check ... I've given her a couple heart attacks ;) ~Bear Cat

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  9. AMARULA: Closed doors are the worst!! What torture they make you endure Bear!

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  10. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh do I hear you! Closed doors are an open invitation to meowing and yowling to the top of your lungs.
    Surely the 2 leggers are hiding behind them eating something delish
    Hugs Cecilia

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  11. Now, now, now...Bear. Be nice to your daddy. P.S. like your uncover work.

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  12. Truth be told, closed doors kind of freak us out a bit, too, Bear. Ellie Mae, we sure hope Daddy gave you a good chase after he was done with his well-deserved nap!

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  13. You know I almost felt sorry for the dude after 16 hour drive, but to stash chickens in his bedroom was a terrible move!
    What I really want the answer to is: If a chicken falls over (or better still lays an egg) in said forest, and nobody is there– does it make a sound?
    Answers on postcard to the Palace Kitchens, UK.
    ERin

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  14. The only reason to close doors is if there is something hidden behind them. Trust us though, Bear, if there were chickens in there, you would know it. They are neither invisible NOR quiet. The boy would be getting no sleep with chickens around! So there must be something else hidden in there....but what?? A tank perhaps? :)
    Jan & the crew at Wag 'n Woof Pets

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    Replies
    1. OH! You would be the expert on chickens, wouldn't you? ~Bear Cat

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  15. I am glad your Dad got home safely even if he won't share his tasty whole chickens with you.

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    Replies
    1. I know! How rude! After everything I've done for him! ~Bear Cat

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