Friday, October 18, 2019

Idioms for idiots

Human idioms are confusing to one or both of our cats - which results in a confused Momma as she tries to communicate with them. How much is lost in translation? Read these little tidbits of shorter conversations that don't turn into the length of posts we usually share!

BC: Bear Cat Kat
MK: Momma Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance 


HANDING IT TO HIM, DANCING WITH THE DEVIL, AND BLACK SHEEP?
EM: I HATE THIS HOUSE!
{Momma looks around}
MK: Umm ... Ellie? That's kind of random. What did Bear do now?
EM: Bear gets everything and I get nothing!
MK: Ummm ...
EM: LOOK AT HIM! I look emaciated next to him!
MK: You both eat from the same bowls.
EM: Bear said ...
MK: Before you continue ... how many times has Bear told you the truth?
{Silence as Ellie thinks ...}
EM: Nope.
{Pause}
EM: Nope. Not then either.
{Pause}
EM: And he didn't admit to farting until it was too late! Hmmm ...
MK: Ellie, it's not complicated. Does he ever tell you the truth?
BC: {walking into the room} I told her when her butt flattened my toy!
EM: My butt didn't do that!
MK: Exactly.
EM: And he told me I was adopted out of a circus freak show.
MK: So how many times does Bear ...
EM: I'm not a dolphin!
MK: No ...
EM: And the time he told me to jump on the edge of the bathtub, it was only to push me in.
BC: Hahahahahahah ... {seeing Momma's face} ... err ... oops?
MK: What about the time he told me you ate half the bowl of kibble?
EM: Err ... I DID eat half the bowl of kibble.
BC: HA! Told you!
EM: So that was true ...
MK: And what else has he said that's true?
EM: He said he likes to dance with the devil.
MK: That IS true.
EM: Really? Because I've never seen a devil dance. ACTUALLY, I've never SEEN a devil at all.
MK: It's a figure ...
EM: SEE?!?! He gets to sleep with you, he gets to eat my food and his too, you make me get off your lap when he wants it, AND he can dance with the devil?
MK: Ellie, since you and The Boy moved in, he's not really that into my lap - so when he wants it, I try to give it to him. You lay on my lap for hours every day!
EM: Phht. What am I? The black sheep?
BC: That would explain why you're so naive and gentle.
MK: No, Bear. She doesn't mean LITERALLY a black sheep.
BC: Phht. I still think it fits. {AHEM!}
{Pause}
BC: 🎶 Momma has a little ... err ... HUGE lamb, 🎶
🎶 Huge lamb, huge lamb. 🎶
🎶 Momma had a huge lamb, 🎶
🎶 Its fleece was black as night. 🎶
{Pause}
BC: 🎶 And everywhere that Momma went, 🎶
🎶 Momma went, Momma went, 🎶
🎶 Everywhere that Momma went, 🎶
🎶 Her lap always delights. 🎶
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: Or is this better?
MK: NO!
BC: You haven't even heard what I suggest! {AHEM}
{Pause}
BC: 🎶 Momma had a little ... err ... HUGE lap, 🎶
🎶 Huge lap, huge lap. 🎶
🎶 Momma had a huge lap, 🎶
🎶 To which Smellie would go. 🎶
{Pause}
BC: 🎶 And everywhere that Momma went, 🎶
🎶 Momma went, Momma went, 🎶
🎶 Everywhere that Momma went, 🎶
🎶 Her lap and Smellie was sure to go. 🎶
EM: NO! That's NOT better!
MK: You have to hand it to Bear, he is creative.
EM: Hand it? I don't have hands! I have paws! And I will never paw anything to him EVER!
MK: NO! "hand it to" is an idiom.
EM: You know I don't like when you call things names!
MK: No! IDIOM! NOT idiot!
BC: Hahahaha. Momma, you have an idiom AND an idiot!


TOOTING ONE'S OWN HORN?
EM: Bear said he's destroyed a bunch of couches!
MK: "Bunch" is a bit of an overstatement.
EM: Five or six?
MK: NO! He's really only torn up the love seat.
EM: Then why would Bear say ...
MK: You know Bear! He likes to toot his own horn!
EM: I HATE when he toots his horn!
MK: Umm ...
EM: Then again, the tooting isn't so bad ... it's the smell afterward.
MK: Ah.


DRIVING?
MK: Crap! We're running late! After trying to get in these pants, I need a nap.
BC: I need a shoehorn to wedge me out of this carrier. I'm shoved in this itty bitty carrier! Can't you drive faster?
MK: Maybe if you weren't such a big boy ... you'd have more room in the carrier.
BC: Maybe if you weren't such a big Momma, you'd have more room in your pants.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Don't SLOW down!
MK: Any more jokes you want to make, Chuckles?
BC: Are there any jokes that would make you drive faster and blow through the red light?
MK: Thank goodness you can't drive.
BC: HEY! I'm a GOOD driver! I drive everyone crazy!
{Momma makes a quick stop just as Bear throws his weight toward one side of the carrier}
BC: HELP! HELP! I'm upside down! Err ... that or the world flipped and I'm upright. Phht. What else would I expect from YOUR driving?


EATING CROW?
BC: Do de do ... {scratch, scratch, scratch} ... da de do de da ... {scratch, scratch, scratch} ...
EM: MOMMA! Bear's using my scratcher!!! Make him stop!
MK: I'm just glad he's not picking on you for using the scratcher.
EM: MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME CORRECTLY ... BUT BEAR'S FUNKING UP MY SCRATCHER!
MK: You can share.
EM: WHAT?!?! Only Bear has to share!
MK: Though the thought of taking pictures of Bear using the scratcher and making him eat crow is appealing.
EM: Crow? Does that taste like chicken?
MK: WHAT? NO!
EM: If Bear gets to eat crow, I get to eat some too!


KNOCK THAT OFF AND BEING GROUNDED?
BC: MOMMA!
{Whack!}
BC: MOMMA!
{Whack!}
BC: MOMMA!
{Whack!}
BC: MOMMA!
{Whack!}
BC: MOMMA!
{Whack!}
MK: Knock that off!
BC: What?
MK: KNOCK. THAT. OFF.
BC: Knock WHAT off?!
MK: STOP!
BC: Tell me what you want me to knock off!
{Pause}
BC: Oh, *@&#.
{Whap}
{CRASH!!}
MK: My lamp!
BC: You told me to knock something off! I just did what you asked me to do!
MK: {sarcastically} Thanks.
BC: My pleasure.
{Pause}
BC: 🎶 Momma had a little lamp, 🎶
🎶 Little lamp, little lamp. 🎶
🎶 Momma had a little lamp, 🎶
🎶 Which I did destroy. 🎶
MK: You're grounded!
BC: Sheesh. And Momma said I was creative.
EM: WAIT?!? Bear can't fly so he can't be grounded!


BY THE BOOK?
MK: I'm going to set this computer up by the book.
EM: Which book?
MK: The instructions!
EM: Okay ... but which book is that?!?
MK: This one!
EM: But where does it go? I've never seen it before!
MK: What?!?
EM: You said you were setting up your new computer by a book! I want to know which book and where that book is so I know where to find my lap!


MANNING ONE'S STATION?
MK: Ellie, are you manning the food bowls?
EM: But I'm a cat!
MK: Of course!
EM: Then why would I MAN something? Wouldn't I CAT something?
MK: Manned station ...
EM: You mean a CATTED station.


BEING FRANK?
BC: I want a tasty whole chicken!
MK: Umm ...
BC: I DEMAND a tasty whole chicken!
MK: Uh huh.
BC: I'm not playing around! Every cat should have a tasty whole chicken in his pot.
MK: Can I be frank?
EM: {looking around} You want to be a boy?
MK: What? FRANK!
EM: Well, if that's your thing.
MK: NO! Not a person FRANK ... FRANK as in honesty!
EM: Don't worry, Momma. You can call it whatever you want and I won't judge.
MK: WHAT?
EM: Sometimes I want to be a dog. And other times, I want to be a tank battalion commander ... so wanting to be Frank isn't something to be ashamed of. You do you, Momma.
BC: Hahahahaha. Hey! When you're done being Frank, you can get me my tasty whole chicken!


SPEAKING IN TONGUES, LOSING ONE'S LUNCH, AND GETTING LOST?
MK: 🎶 Meow meow meow meow meow! 🎶
BC: Holy cat &^@*! She's speaking in tongues!
EM: Meow is in tongues? I never learned that in cat school.
BC: NO! Tongues! She doesn't know what she's saying!
MK: 🎶 Meow meow meow meow meow! 🎶
EM: I do not have blue bad ankle gas!
BC: See?
EM: But how's that speaking in tongues?! She's meowing, not tonguing!
BC: I almost lost my lunch.
EM: Where did you see it last?
BC: Oh, &^@% this!
EM: Where are you going? Bear?
BC: I'm getting lost.
EM: But if you know where you are, how can you be lost?
{Pause}
EM: Bear?
{Pause}
EM: MOMMA!!! Bear's lost!
MK: What?


DODGING A BULLET, MILKING IT FOR ALL ITS WORTH, LEANING ON A PERSON (OR CAT), AND THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK?
The Boy: Bear! Oh, Bear! I'm leaving for work and want to say goodbye before I leave!
BC: @*#(&!
{Pause}
The Boy: Kat? Do you know where Bear is?
BC: {whispering} Remember that lamp? Tell him I'm here and awake and I'll clear all the counters, tables and desks in this *@&!
MK: Uhh ... he's here sleeping!
EM: What? He just whacked me a few minutes ago.
{Snoring is heard}
The Boy: Aww. I don't want to wake my BuddyBear!
{The snoring gets louder}
The Boy: Huh. I never heard him snore before.
MK: You just haven't gotten close enough.
The Boy: Oh. I have to go. {leaning down to kiss Bear} Bye, BuddyBear. I'll see you after work.
{The Boy leaves for work}
BC: HOLY TESTICLES! That was close! I really dodged a bullet!
EM: Wait ... what? Daddy kissed you! He didn't shoot you!
BC: Don't remind me. Momma?
MK: Uh oh.
BC: "You just haven't gotten close enough?"
MK: I can always call The Boy and tell him he forgot his lunch.
BC: @*!@&!
MK: That's for my lamp!
BC: Yeah. Yeah. Milk it for all it's worth.
EM: Wait ... you milk Momma's lamp? Isn't that difficult? Is that why you broke it?
BC: She's leaning on me to get her way.
EM: What? She's not even touching you!
BC: She's threatening me so I do what she wants.
EM: Huh. I guess I see where you learned it from.
BC: WHAT?!? I don't do that to ... and you threaten your sparkle balls so they do what you want!
MK: The pot calling the kettle black.
EM: Wait ... and I the pot or the kettle? Because I AM a black cat ...

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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31 comments:

  1. I'm going to see how many times I can use the phrase "I DEMAND a tasty whole chicken!" in conversation today.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ya know...I think today is the day to do the same as Tyler said HE was going to do. I won't demand. I will just ask as though I know the "request" will be granted right away. I have brother here with me today so I will try to wring what I can out of him. He's a push over. But then, all the rest of the family is too. Bear, you are totally the boss around there (except for MK)Ellie Mae you are the sweetest girl on the block..I just know it. You and I could exchange notes on Mom management Mine is just mine to control.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SHHHHHHHHHHH! Don't give Bear any ideas! Requests or demands!

      Delete
  3. I do think I smell chicken Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Elly, human speech is full of weirdness, isn't it?!? Here's my advice: ignore Bear ALWAYS, give him a whappy paw at least once a day, and love on your momma and dad as you see fit. He'll just have to learn to live with your independence!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh! I can do that? And Bear can't do anything about it? ~Ellie Mae

      Delete
    2. Sweetie, you have the power! Just don't let him sit on you...he's a big dude!

      Delete
  5. Human's lack so MUCH but they have thumbs!!
    Hugs Cecilia

    ReplyDelete
  6. cute conversations! Have a wonderful day!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Human idioms sure can be confusing, can't they? Love the way you guys spun them :)

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  8. You guys makes 'dancing with the devil' a complete artform!

    ReplyDelete
  9. You seem to do a lot of beating around the bush Ellie Mae

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Phht. She couldn't beat a bush if it was right up in her grill! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  10. I like the way you think, Ellie. Catted station sounds right!

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  11. Life would be easier if humans just said what they mean!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! Err ... or humans said what WE want them to mean!

      Delete
  12. You three are hilarious. We're wondering if Momma is cracking up yet. The chatter between the 3 of you is just priceless and so very close to how I talk with the furries.

    Jean

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  13. Dudes, that was ahumdinger of a post, them quickfire posts really rattled along faster cryptonite powered mouse that's just found a stash of silverine.
    Purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Does kryptonite affect tasty whole chickens? Asking for a friend ;) ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  14. Humans do have a lot of strange expressions.

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  15. Well, we wanna know just when Bear and Ellie are gonna get their very own tasty whole chicken. We're thinkin' it should be unner the tree pon Christmas. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A tasty whole chicken in every pot! And my Momma has a lot of pots! ~Bear Cat

      Delete

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