The insanity defense

Ellie's due for her yearly visit with the veterinarian! Unfortunately for Bear, he's tagging along for a checkup and follow-up with the vet as well. As you might expect, things get super interesting ... BEFORE MOMMA EVEN WALKS OUT THE DOOR with two ticked off cats in their carriers. In fact, she's tempted to stay home, grab a stiff drink or ten and take a long nap.

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

MK: WHAT?!?!?!
BC: {in another room with Ellie} Uh, oh. I think Momma just found my ...
MK: I swear!!! Why?! WHY?!?!?!?!?!
BC: {in another room with Ellie} Uh, oh. It's even worse than I thought! She found that OTHER ...
MK: THESE TWO CATS are driving me insane! It just FIGURES!
BC: {in another room with Ellie, whispering} What did YOU do?
EM: I don't know! I didn't do anything!
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! We don't want to be found right now! Believe me!
MK: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG! BEAR CAT KAT AND ELLIE MAE KAT!!!!!
EM: Oh, that's bad. That's VERY bad ... for us.
BC: Think about that next time - before you do whatever you did to tick Momma off!
EM: ME?!?!? She said YOUR full name too! What about what YOU did?!
BC: I didn't do anything! 

EM: That's what you always say!
BC: Because it's true!
EM: You just told on yourself for at least TWO things!
BC: Oh, shut up! What did YOU do?
MK: That's IT!
The Boy: What's wrong?
MK: For the past couple of years, I've been buying single cans of the cats' wet food. First, Bear was super picky. Second, I'd fallen into the trap of buying CASES of a flavor of wet food that he'd then suddenly stop eating. For TWO years, I've bought the single cans of these flavors they both eat every week when I do the grocery shopping. But with the whole virus thing and me not wanting to go out when I don't have to, I finally bought cases of the food they've eaten regularly over the past two years. AND AS SOON AS WE GOT THOSE CASES, THEY STOPPED EATING ALL OF IT! LOOK! The plates are almost full!
The Boy: It's TIME!
MK: For what? For me to lay down the law and put my foot down? You're right! I will tell the cats that if they want to eat wet food, they better eat the wet food I put on their plates whether they like it or not.
BC: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
EM: Momma has a sense of humor!
The Boy: NO! It's ... TIME!
BC: For what?
EM: How should I know?
BC: Momma needs therapy.
EM: And a lesson in being owned by cats.
MK: I'm going to put the cases of food in the car and bring in a can of each flavor every week - even if I have to sit out there for a half-hour just to pretend I went to the store!
BC: Bless her heart.
EM: She really thinks that will work?

BC: That's YOUR Momma!
EM: She's YOUR Momma too!
BC: Don't remind me!
EM: She's not THAT bad!
BC: She thinks she can trick us!
MK: OH, CRAP! IT'S THREE-THIRTY!
BC: What? What's at three-thirty? Momma already gave me my insulin shot! What's ...
{Pause}
BC: Hey, when's your yearly wellness visit?
EM: Erm ... my WHAT?
BC: Once a year, we go to the vet ... for our annual exam.
EM: We only go once a year? I thought I went every month.
BC: Phht. I'VE been going once a month. You haven't gone since last ...
{Pause}
BC: Oh, NO! HELLLLLLL NO!
EM: What? What's at three-thirty?
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
EM: WHAT?!?! Where are you going?
BC: NOT to the vet!
EM: VET?! What?! Where? When?
BC: BYE!
MK: Got you, Ellie!
EM: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDY!!!! HELP! Grabby hands! Grabby hands! Momma's going to abduct me! HELP!!!!!!
The Boy: It's okay, baby girl.
EM: She's going to kill me and bury me in the garden with Bear's brothers and sisters! It's NEVER going to be okay EVER AGAIN!

The Boy: Bear had brothers and sisters? 
EM: YEAH! Bear told me ...
{Pause}
EM: When I put it that way ... 
{Pause}
EM: NO! I'm NOT going in this stupid carrier! You can't make me!
{Pause}
EM: FINE! You can make me, but you can't zip it up with me in it!
MK: WAIT! ELLIE!
{A flash of black runs down the hall}
EM: {as she runs down the hall} I'm going to hide with Bear and never coming out!
MK: Where?
EM: UNDER THE BED!
BC: {from under the bed} D'OH! BLABBER MOUTH! YOU. WON'T. TAKE. ME. ALIVE!
EM: Oops.
BC: Please tell me your whole back end isn't hanging out from under the bed.
EM: {looking back} Erm ... no?

BC: Amateur.
EM: Well, if my head's hidden, how should I know the rest of me isn't?
BC: BECAUSE YOU'RE THE SIZE OF A FLOTILLA OF TANKS!
EM: Umm ... tanks, like heavy armor, or tanks for fish, like those you got when you thought you'd ordered the other kind of tanks?
BC: WHO CARES! Your back end is STILL hanging out!
{Ellie crams herself further under the bed}
The Boy: I'll grab Ellie, you grab Bear.
BC: If you were a REAL man, you'd volunteer to grab me - not wimp out and grab Smellie who doesn't know how to use her claws and fangs!
EM: I KNOW HOW TO USE MY CLAWS AND FANGS!
BC: On SPARKLE BALLS!
MK: I'm just about ...
BC: HHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! M'RRRRRROW!
MK: Fantastic. I'm bleeding.
BC: AND THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM!
The Boy: I got Ellie!
EM: @*#% your (*@%ing @#*&! And ^%&#*!! with your #(@&%ing **&^!
The Boy: She's squirming! She's squirming! I'm about to lose her!
BC: $#(@@ YOUR @**&#!!!
The Boy: Kat! Help! Hold the carrier open for ...
MK: I CAN'T! I finally dragged Bear out from under the bed!
BC: THAT'S IT! YOU BETTER NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED FOR MONTHS ... NO, YEARS! I'LL $^@* YOU UP, *ITCH! 
EM: WAIT! Who's writing all these bad words down?
BC: I. DON'T. CARE. I'M. ABOUT. TO. BE. THROWN. IN. THE. SLAMMER! I DID IT! I DID EVERYTHING! I'M STREET, BABY! ALL THE WAY! 
MK: Pipe down, pipsqueak!
BC: PIPSQUEAK?!?! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY IN BLOOD! FORGET SNUGGLES AND PURRS! FORGET MR. NICE BEAR!

{Momma, The Boy and Ellie laugh}
EM: Mr. Nice Bear?
BC: Oh, shut up!
MK: Well, he's IS right. Between insulin shots, testing his blood sugar, B-12 shots and yucky tasting medicines, I HAVE forgotten Mr. Nice Bear.
The Boy: Did he even ever really exist?
EM: Not as long as I've lived here!
BC: Oh, laugh it up! You're just adding INSULT to INJURY.
{Pause}
BC: HEY! Watch where you put your hands!
The Boy: KAT!
MK: Wait a minute! I have to get Bear in first and then I'll help you.
BC: I HAVE RIGHTS! I HAVE FANGS! I HAVE A LAWYER!
{ZZZZZZZZZZIIIP!}
MK: I'm the boss! And I have you ... IN the carrier.
EM: Hahahahaha. You should move faster!
BC: CALL! MY! LAWYER!
EM: You fired her, dummy!
BC: NO! The man!
EM: You fired him, too!
BC: RATS! I'm surrounded by incompetents looking to sell me up the river!
EM: I thought we were going to the vet.
BC: OH, SHUT UP!
EM: You look pretty handsome in that carrier.
BC: I really don't like you ... EVER.
MK: Alright, how can I help?
BC: LET. ME. OUT. OF. HERE. YOU *@(#*$ #*@(# &&#!!!!!!

The Boy: Tip the carrier on its end and hold it there!
EM: HEY! This is the crappy carrier!
MK: It's not crappy! Unless Bear had an accident last time ...
BC: YEAH, RIGHT! The only ones having accidents are the vets!
EM: Wait ... there's more than one vet?
MK: No, never mind. I always take Bear in the Sleepypod when he's by himself. Well, unless I'm hauling both cats. Last time, I put Bear in the carrier Ellie's going in this time ...
BC: The Sleepypod is the un-tippable carrier!
MK: And you always tip your carrier in any other carrier but the Sleepypod, Mr. Bunny Kicks-a-lot.
EM: I want the Sleepypod! It's comfy!
BC: {GASP} I can't believe you just said you want a carrier! What's wrong with you? Maybe you ARE sick and need to go to the vet!
MK: We only have one Sleepypod, so somecat has to go in the OTHER carrier. Last time I took you both, Ellie got the Sleepypod.
EM: BUT I WANT THE SLEEPYPOD!
BC: I don't know you!
EM: Oh, shut up! The SleepyPod is like a box - only comfy. And Momma can use the seatbelt to secure it so we don't tumble around.
BC: Maybe you should move INTO the Sleepypod if you love it so much!
The Boy: Ready?
MK: CHECK!
EM: HEY! *@&#() are you #(@%#ing *@&$!?
The Boy: Zip it up! Zip it up!
MK: Got it!
EM: (*@% this @#*&!ing OTHER carrier! You can take it and ^%&#*!! it with your #@&%ing **&^! I WANT THE SLEEPYPOD! Especially if Momma's driving!

The Boy: Hahahahahaha. I'll make sure she wears her glasses.
MK: Oh ... REALLY?
The Boy: Well, I mean, I was only kidding ...
BC: STUFF THE BOY IN THE OTHER OTHER CARRIER! He needs his head examined!
EM: LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!! I MEAN IT! I'M GOING TO LOSE IT! YOU ALL WILL PAY FOR THIS! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! I WILL NEVER TALK TO ANY OF YOU EVER AGAIN!
BC: Can I get that in writing?
EM: I'm giving you a super dirty look right now!
BC: Maybe this carrier isn't so bad after all if I can't see Smellie's face.
EM: I HEAR YOU TALKING!!!! YOU'RE LUCKY THERE ARE TWO CARRIERS BETWEEN US OTHERWISE I'D REARRANGE YOUR FACE!
BC: Phht. How many times have I rearranged your face to no improvement?
EM: I DARE YOU TO GET IN THE SAME CARRIER AS ME! Those will be the LAST WORDS you ever speak!
BC: Like I could get a word in edge-wise!
EM: Oh, shut up! 
MK: Alright. Time to go.
BC: Say that to my face!
EM: With pleasure!
BC: I can't wait to *@($ your *@&#@%$!
The Boy: Have fun!
MK: It's not too late for you to come!
EM: You're going to need to see a vet after we meet face to face!
BC: BRING IT ON! If you need blood work, I'd be more than happy to draw it for them!
The Boy: I'm not crazy!
MK: Yeah. Thanks.
{The cats continue fighting as the front door closes, leaving The Boy in peace and quiet}

© 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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45 comments

  1. I feel for you guys. I hate it when that carrier comes out.

    Take care x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Ellie just once a year is the key phrase here.
    I just had my annual physical via on line chat with my Doctor. Very odd. Too bad kitties can't do that.
    I didn't have to go in a carrier but I did dread the bp monitor coming out. I have a bad case of white coat syndrome
    Hugs Cecilia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder if our vet with allow tele-health visits for us ... no carrier required! This white coat syndrome ... can cats get that? Asking for a friend. ~Bear Cat

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  3. Lexy is due for her semi-annual check up. Now that she's 12 the vet would like to see her twice a year to make sure she stays health. BUT..... Mommy won't take her because she can't go in with her and Lexy will be way too stressed. She's doing well, so Mommy is holding off. Oh, and she LOVES her Sleepypod!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they would hold a larger girl, I would get one too.

      Delete
    2. Ellie was already two weeks overdue for her annual. I asked if they knew when we'd be allowed back inside and the guy said he hadn't heard anything. If I'd had concerns about Ellie, I wouldn't waited. And I wanted Bear to be checked before buying another vial of insulin. I wish I could've gone in. I begged! That's for sure!

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  4. Sounds like World War 3!
    Hope you both have good check-ups with the vet!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm sure glad you two like to go see your Vet, it makes things so much easier, yikes! I hope you both have a good check up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The checkup wasn't so bad ... but Momma was ready to toss a couple of howling cats out of the car on the way home! No, not really. But a little.

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  6. It's never a fun day when the PTU shows up!

    The Florida Furkids

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    Replies
    1. And TWO carriers is infinitely worse! I couldn't get a meow in edge-wise the entire car ride! SOME GIRL CAT WOULDN'T SHUT UP! ~Bear Cat

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  7. guyz...sorree bout de hole ewe noe what trip two ewe noe wear

    N if ya want new canned goodz that R reel lee old canned goodz ya knead ta pree tend two day iz beef day sew that tomorrow ewe act shoo a lee get perch bee coz yur momz gonna say ya like de beef but her noez itza ply ta get pizza pie.....

    rite !! :) ♥♥

    conga ratz two yur mom on her cwa awardz...we think we saw he name on de list !!?? ♥♥☺☺

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, you did see her name. For some reason, she's not feeling very enthusiastic about the whole thing and pretending it didn't happen. We don't get it. Humans. So DELICATE and full of drama! ~Bear Cat

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  8. That’s never the best day. Hope all was well at the vet after the drama.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which drama? The one at home before, the car ride there, the one in the vet's office (which Momma was fortunate to forgo), the one on the ride home, or the one at home after?! Yes. We are a house full of drama drama and more drama.

      Delete
  9. I hope your mom survived the vet trip and didn't lose too much blood!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. With Momma giving insulin shots and blood sugar tests, we measure blood lost in quarts and scars. Relative to that, it was nothing!

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  10. Sounds the same at our house when it's time to get the carriers out. Olive is the worst offender. So much strength in that tiny frame!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahahaha. For some reason, she wouldn't have been our guess for the most difficult to get in a carrier! Then again, most people wouldn't guess that Ellie gave the vet the most trouble ... but she did!

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  11. Is this a universal thingie. I hate the carrier and the car....I always feel like I could barf after a car ride. Tyebe figures this is new and interesting....Budd says...will ya give me treats...you will, ok let's go.

    Shoko

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Maybe if Momma offered Smellie treats, she'd shut up! I sincerely doubt it. She'd probably scarf them down and then barf them back up on the ride to the vet! EWWWW! ~Bear Cat

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  12. Holy Moley! You two freak as badly as Admiral did when she still lived here. You absolutely should have HEARD her! She had mom in tears half the time. It was a weekly battle because for the last year she was with mom, it was once a week to the vet. Now Admiral could have taught you her shipboard language and you could use that on MK and The Boy. She passed it on to me when Mommy adopted me. Come on over and we'll have some catnip...some niptini's and I'll teach you how to cuss! Now *I* don't because I started out wrong what with being all lovey doves. But I can hold classes here as often as you want to pop in. Tell your mom that my mom has her back though...no matter how *I* made you an offer you shouldn't refuse. That's me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our Sleepypod is great for both cats - Bear's 14 pounds! Poor Momma ... one 12 pounder and a 14 pounder ... bunny kicking in circles :p
      I have to give Smellie credit ... she really outdid herself this time. She HOWLED for OVER AN HOUR STRAIGHT!!! It's like she's been practicing ... she didn't even get hoarse! That girl can YELL! And she's teaching ME some choice words! ~Bear Cat

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  13. I start singing the song of my people as soon as the mom puts me in the Sleepy Pod. You should hear me! ~Ernie

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    Replies
    1. I have to give Smellie credit ... she really outdid herself this time. She HOWLED for OVER AN HOUR STRAIGHT!!! It's like she's been practicing ... she didn't even get hoarse! ~Bear Cat

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  14. Look on the bright side, at least you went together :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is that supposed to make me feel better? I have to listen to Smellie all the time at home too! ~Bear Cat

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  15. They're not crappy...they're purple. You can never go wrong with purple. Course we're dogs, what do we know?
    Your fur-iends,
    Norman & Elsa 🐾

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    Replies
    1. Well, since we can't see the outside when we're inside ... I'm not sure it matters! We could have GOLD carriers and we still would be insulted ... on principle!

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  16. AMARULA: I feel for you Bear!! I HATE going to the vet! You should try my trick of pooing, peeing and vomiting in the carrier every time the Human puts me in there-that way she hates going to the vet as much as I do!

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    Replies
    1. My Momma would make me wear a diaper and a face mask if I did that. I would learn some new bad words though ... ~Bear Cat

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  17. Whoa, that sounds like it was super stressful on all of you! We sure hope the vet visit went okay.

    BTW, Ellie Mae wins the day with, "The SleepyPod is like a box - only comfy." MOL

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  18. Ohh... that carrier. I'm so sorry it's time again.

    ReplyDelete
  19. OH, this brings back many...memories.....of the drama involved in taking the cats to the vet! I'm pretty sure it took us YEARS to come up with a plan that worked, and even then we blew it half the time! I remember having to cancel appointments because we could not get the cat out of their hiding place! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least this year, Ellie didn't actually manage to get under the bed. I lost her under there last year because I had no idea she'd lost enough weight to fit! This year, I played it safe!

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  20. This morning Mom took Dori and Opie to vet for respiratory shots. Peaches was supposed to go, but she found a way to get out of the carrier and disappeared. Mom bought shots off vet and so far managed to get one into Peaches. Peaches reverts back to her feral days when anything suspicious happens at our house.

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    Replies
    1. "anything suspicious" Sounds like every day at our house! My Momma's getting really good at sneak insulin shots. ~Bear Cat

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  21. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw, we purray the checkups went well and everypawdy's fine. Those are some great carriers. Altho' we'd luv a sleepypod too, so we're kind'a with ya' Ellie. We're continuin' purrayers and sendin' big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're so happy we won a SleepyPod elsewhere! We'd been stalking contests to win one for a couple years! And it's true - both cats prefer it to the other three carriers we have. All said and done ... everybody's hanging in there!

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