What kind of cat plan do you have?

Bear's on his best behavior (remember ... best behavior for BEAR ... "best" is certainly relative) lobbying Momma for a new contract. Business cat offers an unlimited cat plan and a pay-as-you-go cat plan ... with a comprehensive offering of cat services, including certain limitations and exceptions. Poor Ellie just can't quite keep up with the ensuing argument between Bear and Momma.

BC: Bear Cat Kat [handsome tabby cat] 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy cat] 
MK: Momma Kat [Bear and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat] 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

BC: Momma, it's time to renegotiate my contract.
MK: Your what?
BC: Exactly.
MK: You don't have a contract.
BC: I know. That needs to change.
MK: Good luck.
BC: Who's your lawyer?
MK: Me.
BC: RATS! I can't negotiate with ... with ... you! You're ... 
MK: Mean? Non-negotiable?
BC: A terrorist!
MK: Says the cat that mauls me several times a week for trying to keep him healthy.
EM: I want a contract too!
BC: Shut up, Smellie.
EM: HEY! If you get something, I should get it too!
MK: What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
BC: Leave the gooses out of this!
EM: You mean geese?
BC: WHAT? SHUT UP! I'm having a business meeting here!
MK: Don't worry, Ellie. Bear won't get a contract.
EM: Erm ... what's a contract? Is that like a diet? Because I don't want to go on a diet.
BC: Big surprise.
MK: Says that cat that weighs more than his sister.
BC: I'm big-boned!
EM: No, you're big-@$$ed!
MK: Haha. In more ways than one!!! Bear, why don't you explain what a contract is to her?
BC: A contract is an agreement where we get stuff for doing certain things.
EM: But you don't "do" work.
BC: Yes, but we deserve compensation for the cat stuff we already do! 
EM: We do?
BC: YES! Have you ever heard of the law of cows?

EM: Erm ... no. Cows have their own law?
BC: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
EM: This sounds like the beginning of one of Daddy's not funny jokes.
BC: It's SERIOUS! Apparently, for years, randomly grazing cows gave their milk to any person who wanted it for free. Then the cows unionized and demanded homes and food in exchange for their milk. No more free milk!
EM: I've heard of a dog house ... a hen house ... and a cat house ... but never a COW house. Where do the cows live?
BC: That's not the point! We should go on strike until we get what we want!
MK: I adopted you both! I feed you, make sure you're healthy, give you a clean place to do your business, give you toys ... you two cats are spoiled! I already bought the cow! TWO of them!
EM: You have cows? I've never seen them! I always thought Bear was crazy for insisting you hide tasty whole chickens from us ... but if you hide cows ... why couldn't you hide chickens? What else do you have? Tunas?
BC: Momma, you've been availing yourself of unlimited cat services without providing unlimited services in return. 
MK: Unlimited cat services?!? Oh, really?! How many times do you WAKE ME UP only to bite off half my hand when I pet you?
BC: Now, see, that's an exaggeration because if I took off half a hand each time, you'd be left with no hands. Sometimes I wake you up just to look - not touch.
EM: Bear makes sense, Momma! Sometimes we only want you to look - not touch.
MK: Then how do I get unlimited services if I can't touch whenever I want to?
BC: Unlimited services ... at our discretion! And we don't get unlimited services either! You only give us a few treats even when we want more!
EM: That IS true.
MK: Shut up, Ellie! So you just proved that you get limited services in return for limited services. You let us pet you in limited circumstances and we give you treats in limited circumstances.
BC: And you mentioned that I wake you up AND bite you! Those are cat services that you aren't paying for! 
MK: Blood isn't enough?
BC: Only if blood buys tasty whole chickens! You adopted me for my full range of cat services! I provide you with a comprehensive package of cat services. If you didn't want to be bit or step in barf, etc, you should've gotten a dog! 
MK: I AM NOT going to PAY YOU to BITE ME!
BC: FINE! Biting you is on the house!

EM: On our house? How can biting be on our house?!
BC and MK: {at the same time} SHUT UP, SMELLIE!!!
BC: What we've got here is failure to communicate.
MK: No. What we've got here is failure to think logically.
BC: Do you deny that you've received snuggles, furry purry treatment, free modeling - unlimited picture-taking - and looking cute, lap dances and pole dances for your entertainment pleasure, nose boops, kitty cat I love yous, and life-saving services?
MK: And do YOU deny that you've gotten ear scratches, belly rubs, food service, litter box service, toys, snuggles and love?
EM: She has a point, Bear.
EM: Why does everyone keep telling me to shut up! Why's everyone mad at ME?!?
BC: If Momma has a point, I out-point her by twenty-one points!
MK: Oh, yes. Your fang and claw SERVICES.
BC: Like you have any room to talk! You give me two shots A DAY! You poke me three times to take my blood! You brush my teeth, clip my claws and give me all kinds of nasty tasting medicine!
MK: Oh? And WHY do you think you have ANY teeth left?! Much less those fangs you LOVE to dig into my arm?! You had your first extraction when you were TWO! My brushing your teeth is the only reason you have ANY teeth left!
EM: So since the only reason Bear has any teeth left is because of you ... it's your fault that Bear bites me?
MK: And if you didn't use your claws to terrorize the household and everything in it, I wouldn't need to clip them!
EM: Well, but I don't hurt anyone on purpose and you still clip my claws!
MK: Yes, because you like to play, "climb Momma's chest by sticking my back claws in her flesh."
EM: Oops?
EM: Momma does have a point, Bear. The things she does that we don't like just make life with us and our lives less painful.

BC: Whose side are you on?
EM: Momma's!
BC: That was a rhetorical question!
EM: I know! You asked a question and I answered!
BC: NO! A RHETOR ... oh, never mind. 
BC: We offer a pay-as-you-go plan and a monthly unlimited plan.
MK: Is it truly unlimited?
BC: Shut up, Smellie!
BC: NO! It's still at my discretion.
MK: So the new plan is the same plan we have now.
BC: But you'll pay us for the unlimited - except for at our discretion plan.
MK: And how much is that?
BC: It's thirty-nine ...
MK: THIRTY-NINE DOLLARS?!? I spend more than that on your medicine each week!
MK: You've got to be kidding.
BC: Do I look like I'm kidding?
EM: WHOA! Momma has that much money?!?! We should be dining on tunas every night with our own personal tuna tank!
MK: I don't have a million dollars!
EM: Oh. 
BC: Don't believe her, Smellie! She's holding out on us!
MK: Bear, shut up.
BC: If thirty-nine million is more than you can afford on a monthly basis, we can put together a payment plan for you! Maybe open a line of credit? We take credit!
MK: No, thanks.
BC: Well, if the monthly plan doesn't appeal to you, we have a pay-as-you-go cat plan with a menu of services. The pay-as-you-go plan appeals to the budget-conscious consumer.
MK: I feed you! I already pay as I go!
BC: You WOULD think that.

MK: No.
BC: No? NO what?
MK: NO! I'm NOT paying you ANYTHING for the services you already provide.
EM: Okay.
BC: SHUT UP, SMELLIE! This is a negotiation!
EM: But Momma said ...
BC: I don't listen to what Momma says.
MK: SHUT UP, Bear!
BC: SEE?!?! I don't listen to her! LALALALALALALALALALA.
{Pause as Momma gets up and walks away}
BC: WAIT! WAIT! Err ...
EM: Momma?
BC: Ma'am!
EM: I prefer Momma.
BC: Shut up, Smellie! I'm a BUSINESS cat! We treat customers with respect.
BC: What if I told you I'm authorized to make you a one-time deal?
EM: OH! I LIKE deals!
BC: If you pay for twelve months in advance, we'll give you one month free!
EM: FREE?!?! Sign me up!
BC: Why aren't you this easy to convince when I try to sell you stuff?
MK: So I pay you four hundred sixty-eight million dollars and I get thirteen months of unlimited kitty services?
MK: Then it's not really unlimited.
BC: Erm ... how about I throw in an hour of snuggling time a day?
EM: OH! Do it, Momma!
MK: How would that be of any benefit on an unlimited plan? I already get UNLIMITED services.
BC: Per my discretion. 
MK: So?
BC: Okay. Okay. You drive a hard bargain. You get one hour of snuggles outside of my discretion.
MK: Per day?
BC: Phht! NO! Per YEAR!
MK: No, thanks.
BC: Let's try this again. Smellie! Help me convince Momma to buy one of our plans!
EM: Why?
BC: Wouldn't it be nice to be paid for all the time you spend on Momma's lap?
EM: No. I lay on Momma's lap because I love her and she likes to admire me. Sometimes she needs me!
BC: Wouldn't you like more treats?
EM: You always make fun of how fat I am! 
BC: RATS! AnyWHO ...
BC: Back to business.
MK: We don't have any business.
BC: But you haven't even heard my sales pitch.
MK: No.
BC: Mommas are tough! Maybe if I talk to The Boy ...
MK: He says no too.
BC: I don't think he'd like to be spoken for.
MK: I know we're not paying for a comprehensive package of cat services WE ALREADY GET! To include ... barfing, biting, scratching and general bad moodiness.
EM: I'm never in a bad mood!
BC: SHUT UP, SMELLIE! You're never a self-respecting cat either!
EM: I don't want to be a self-respecting cat if it means I hurt my humans and am nasty! Momma and Daddy LOVE me! I'm lucky to be here - love is better than money!
MK: I'm not paying you for that.
BC: Oh, shut up!
{Bear stalks off}
EM: I think Bear's mad.
MK: Eh. Don't worry about it. He'll be looking for treats or belly rubs sometime in the next hour.
EM: Really?
MK: Yeah. He can't stay mad for long. He might get all indignant, but eventually his need for food and loves overrules his reason ... or lack thereof.
EM: Maybe at you! He's been mad at me for the entire three years I've lived here!
MK: That's not your fault. Bear's just ... prickly. Especially with people and cats that aren't his Momma.
EM: Daddy uses a different word than prickly!
MK: I'm sure he does.
EM: Bear's like a giant porcupine on steroids!

EM: PSST! Momma!
MK: Yes?
EM: SHHHH!!! I'm asking you in secret so Bear doesn't have to know the truth!
MK: Asking me what?
EM: Do you really have cows or tunas or chickens hidden away somewhere?
MK: No.
EM: Are you sure?
MK: I think I'd know.
EM: I promise I won't tell Bear!
{Momma walks back into the room}
MK: Ellie, did you see this pay-as-you-go price sheet?
EM: No. Why?
MK: Bear calls himself a "master cat" and he calls you his "apprentice cat." You don't make as much as he does for the same services!

EM: LET ME SEE THAT! I'm going to give him a piece of my mind! My lap dances only go for $5 a minute but his lap time goes for $25 a minute?!?! What the fluffed up nonsense is this?!
MK: Umm ... Ellie? Remember ... we're not doing this.
EM: THAT'S RIGHT we're not doing this! That mother-meowing porcupine on steroids has gotten on my LAST NERVE!
EM: Wait ... He charges a surcharge premium of twenty-five percent for the services we provide for Daddy?
EM: Hmm ... that could work.
BC: {from the other room} I REQUIRE SNUGGLES, WOMAN! CHOP CHOP! I'm not getting younger ... OR less handsome!
MK: That's my cue ...
EM: {thinking to herself} Hmm ... why a Q? Why not an F? Or a U?!

© 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com.

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  1. Sadie thinks you should add a head bunt to the list. She suggested $50 per bunt, with an extra $10 if you want a really firm bunt. LOL

    1. Sadie's right!!! Though in this house, bunting is by the apprentice cat only. But Bear realized he forgot to add biting to the list ... maybe we'll do an update?

  2. We think we need to print out that list and give it to our Mom.

    The Florida Furkids

  3. Oh my word you have tickled my funny bone on this Tuesday Morn.
    Hugs Cecilia

  4. That's a good list Bear, ya done good!

    1. It was a lot of work! ~Bear Cat
      You just pulled numbers out of your butt! That wasn't work! ~Ellie Mae
      Shut up, Smellie! ~Bear Cat

  5. I think those are very reasonable prices. Just please don't let my cats see this post or I will go broke.

    1. Momma's caught between believing the cats are worth it ... and realizing she can't afford much!

  6. guyz....we dinna noe yur mom waza million airez....how kewl iz that; sew if we sorta kinda knead a LOAN...can we come two her for sum cold hard cash; I think itz called de law oh cashless catz :) ♥♥

    1. What happened to your loan shark?!? Our Momma CLAIMS she's poor ... but we think she's got all her dough in the same place she's hiding her cows and chickens! ~Bear Cat

  7. Oh Ellie...you are one smart kitty, and do NOT do what Bear does!

    1. I'm starting to think he's a bad example! ~Ellie Mae
      Awww! That was the nicest thing you've ever said about me! ~Bear Cat

  8. Well he did make a nice official looking price sheet. I think I know where it will end up though.

    1. If you guess the litter box, you are right! How RUDE! ~Bear Cat

  9. Replies
    1. We hope so ... but we might've neglected one very important detail to the plan ... Momma and The Boy don't have that kind of money! Perhaps we should contract out our services to people with more dough? ~Bear Cat

  10. You kitties are so smart!!! Mudpie would definitely demand unlimited squeezies in her contract negotiations.

    1. Bear would give Mudpie those for free! Err ... respectfully of course!

  11. Bear, you are such a schemer. Has even one of them ever worked out for you? We cannot believe your momma told Ellie to "shut up." Hope you are feeling well Bear and not putting the bitey on your momma too often! XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, angel Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer

    1. Having two humans works nicely. I can alternate biting ... this morning was The Boy's turn. Fortunately for him, our Mom is prepared and well-versed in first aid (I'm a good teacher)! ~Bear Cat

  12. Bear, you're quite business savy. You put together a plan that seems reasonable to me and well thought out. You could write a how to book about putting together solid contracts. Purr purr purr.

    1. I'm self-taught! The stupid lawyers I used to hire (and then fire) always told me I was being unreasonable. HA! I bet they regret not getting in on the commissions! ~Bear Cat

  13. Bless your heart ... that bite cost you more than your car is worth! COMPREHENSIVE cat services. Biting included. ~Bear Cat

  14. Clearly negotiating 'services' with pets is a losing proposition for huMoms.

    1. In the worst case scenario, we still have the cuteness factor that is always the human's undoing! ~Bear Cat

  15. AMARULA: ONLY a $1000-that is a real deal! (of course it's not hard for you to look cute!)And why didn't I think to charge money?? I am contacting a lawyer and drawing up a contract!

    1. We can afford to visit each other now!!! Or send our siblings away ... take your pick! ~Bear Cat

  16. I think, Bear, that you have this all wrong. Payment for not withholding certain items, and payment for withholding things. There is a withholding tax that I am sure your staff can sort out for you too, and may work in YOUR favour ;)

    1. Perhaps I should contact a tax advisor?! I'd ask my Momma (she has the training ...) - but I don't trust her with my income information!!! Too many questions! "How did you get this?" and "What's THIS for?" A guy cat needs his secrets! ~Bear Cat

  17. Comprehensive cat services! I have been giving those to Mom with NO idea of the gold mine I have going here...UNTAPPED! I need that list you made Bear, and I will add to it. The head sleeping that I do, it seems I have provided that free!!! and draping attractively across her face blocking that silly air she keeps daring to move me or my furs to get, will cost plenty as soon as I get my custom list made up. I have you to thank Bear. Ellie, again, if his arrogance gets too much, come on over for play dates. It all be a good time to exchange ideas and we can braid one another furs. . Bear, if you are on your last nerve, you come on over too. I'll show you what a Tuxie is like. You'l be glad. *hint hint wink wink...*

  18. Meowser Momma Kat I hope you have a wonderful week. BTW, did you notice that I nominated you and Beat Cat as inspirational bloggers? https://purrseidon.wordpress.com/2020/08/10/aww-im-an-inspirational-blogger/

  19. Um, yeah, I'm pretty sure every cat parent everywhere would be broke if we had a pay-as-you-go plan.

  20. "Bear, if you are on your last nerve, you come on over too." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my goodness! That's awesome!

  21. Bwahahahaha, I'd best try to keep our cats off the computer so they don't get any ideas from this!

    1. Better to pretend there's nothing to see. Trying to keep cats away from the computer only makes them want to get closer!

  22. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


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