The cat bed caper

The cat beds are missing!!!! Who would do such a horrible thing to two cute kitty cats? Wait, we have two cute kitty cats?!? Bear says: "VERY funny, Momma! Readers, don't encourage her! She's NOT funny!"

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

BC: Man! I'm EXHAUSTED!
MK: Bear, you JUST got up from your nap and walked down the hall to your food bowl. 
BC: The hall is like MILES long!
MK: It's not even fifteen feet.
BC: Not fifteen of MY feet!
MK: You have a point.
BC: And then I stood here for FIVE HOURS eating!
MK: It was five MINUTES!
BC: Well, it FELT like hours!
MK: So does the length of this conversation.
BC: Only because you keep talking! I can barely get a word in edgewise! I don't know how The Boy puts up with you.
MK: But ...
BC: Now, if you don't mind, I have a date with my cat bed.
MK: About that ...
BC: Can't it wait until AFTER my nap? I'm just EXHAUSTED!
MK: You walked down the hall ... and ATE! How is that exhaustive?!
BC: And now I have to walk BACK down the hall! I can't wait to collapse in my bed and go to sleep! I'm so tired!
MK: Bear ...
BC: My next nap break is in thirty-two minutes and fifty-nine seconds! We can talk then.
MK: But ...
BC: Round it up to thirty-five minutes just in case I run behind.
MK: Have it your ...
BC: {GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}
{Bear looks one way ... }
BC: Ummm ...

{Then the other ...}
BC: Hmmm ...

BC: WHERE IS MY CAT BED!?!?!?!?!?!?!
{Bear bends down to smell the carpet where his bed is supposed to be ...}
BC: My bed was right here a second ago!

{Pause}
BC: SOMEONE STOLE MY CAT BED!!!!
EM: Are you sure that's where you left it?
BC: I'm not an idiot! I don't carry my bed on my back everywhere I go! The bed doesn't move!
EM: To be fair, you only move five percent of the day - so it's kind of hard to tell.
BC: SHUT UP! Where's my bed? Smellie, is this your idea of a joke?!?! SO HELP ME ... if my bed smells like you when I get it back, you'll be in big trouble!
EM: I wouldn't touch your bed with a ten-foot pole! I don't want to catch cooties!
BC: You think I have cooties? You have ... err ... have ... umm ... really nasty girl stuff!
EM: Momma has girl stuff!
BC: No, she DOESN'T!
EM: Yes, she does! She's a girl!
BC: NO! She's a MOMMA!
EM: You're dumb! You can't even remember where your bed is.

BC: It was RIGHT HERE five minutes ago! It's ALWAYS right here! Someone stole my cat bed! Was it you, Smellie?!? I've seen you looking at my bed sideways ... were you just waiting for a chance to steal it?
EM: I have my own cat bed!
BC: So you didn't see anyone hanging around near where my bed is supposed to be?
EM: No.
BC: So then, where is it?
EM: How should I know? I don't pay attention to stupid stuff!
BC: If my cat bed is gone ... 
EM: That's not even funny! I know where my cat bed is! It's right on top of the cat tree!
BC: Are you sure?
EM: Yes?
{Pause}
EM: Erm ...
{Pause} 
EM: {running toward the cat tree to check on her bed} OH, NO!

{Pause as Ellie jumps up the cat tree}
EM: {GASP!} The soft blanket in my cat condo is missing!

{Pause}
EM: Nope. It's DEFINITELY not here! I need my blankie to have a comfy nap!

BC: {sarcastically} Maybe you forgot where you left it?
EM: Oh, shut up!
BC: It's not so funny when the bed isn't on the other paw!
EM: That makes no sense!
BC: It sounded better in my head.
EM: As does most of the stuff you say.
BC: HEY!
EM: Oh, no! The warm towels are missing from the perch on the cat tree! Where am I going to sleep if I can't sleep on the left perch or in my cat condo?

MK: Ellie, you never use that perch.
EM: What does that have to do with anything? I want to be able to use it if I want to.
MK: But you never do. Not even the time you were on the top perch and Bear got on the right perch so you couldn't come down like you usually do. You just waited until he moved!
EM: You're missing the point!
MK: And the longer you live here, the more you start sounding like your brofur.
BC: How DARE you insult me like that!
MK: Oh, pipe down pipsqueak.
BC: Pipsqueak?! PIPSQUEAK?!?! You're just cruising for barf in your shoe.
EM: MY OTHER BLANKIE IS MISSING FROM THE RIGHT PERCH!!! 

{Pause}
EM: Who would do something so ... so ... unconscious?!?!
MK: Unconscionable?
EM: THAT TOO! 
MK: Oh, never mind.
EM: Where am I going to sleep?! This is getting really scary! I have no comfy spots to lay my head!
BC: The top perch is your favorite, doofus.
EM: You're right! I'll check up there.
{Pause as Ellie stands up on her back paws to see if her bed is still on the top perch}
EM: {crumpling down} My life is OVER! This is officially the WORST day of any cat's life EVER! 

MK: You said that yesterday when I clipped your claws.
EM: Well, it was true at the time! I'm never going to have a comfy place to lay my head ever again!
MK: More kitty trauma drama. You two have TONS of beds left! Bear's shark, the blankets in the STACKS! boxes, the couches, the human beds ... you two still have more places to sleep than us humans do.
EM: But we want the spot we can't have!
BC: YEAH!
EM: Who would be so cruel as to steal a cute kitty cat's bed?
BC: Who would be so cruel as to steal an idiot's bed?
EM: WHAT?
BC: Well, I'm obviously the cute kitty cat, which makes you the ...
EM: IDIOT!
BC: So you already knew?
EM: Know what? I was calling you an idiot!
BC: Wait ... what?
MK: Hahahahahahahaha.
BC: What are you laughing at? You think it's funny that I'm late for my nap? You think it's funny that I'm in a bad mood due to sleep deprivation? You think it's funny that some depraved maniac stole my cat bed?!
EM: OH! And MY blankies, towels and bed!
BC: Everything isn't about you! We're talking about ME here!
MK: Bear, I put your bed and the cat tree's furnishings in the washer.
BC: WHY my bed!?!?
MK: Litter was caked around it.
BC: I like it that way!
EM: Ewwww. And you wonder why I refuse to use your bed.
BC: My bed would explode before you got anywhere near it!
EM: You're a jerk!
BC: Now I'm going to have to re-scent my bed thoroughly so no random cats passing through think it's available.
MK: Bear, no "random" cats walk through here!
BC: Then where did Smellie come from?
EM: Momma ADOPTED ME!

BC: On purpose?
MK: YES!
BC: Oh. I thought Smellie just overstayed her welcome. So we're stuck with her?
EM: HEY! Momma LOVES me!
BC: There's no accounting for taste.
EM: Taste?!?! Momma's going to eat me?
BC: What?
EM: The only way she'd taste me is if she eats me!
MK: He didn't mean taste literally.
EM: Are you SURE?!?!
MK: YES!
EM: OF COURSE, you would say that! You don't want to lose your next meal!
MK: Ellie, we've had you for over three years! 
BC: You're fattening her up!
EM: Oh, NO!
MK: Ellie, what do we say about Bear?
EM: He's a dick?
BC: HEY! That's Mr. Huge Dick to you!
MK: What ELSE do we say about Bear?
EM: He's got a bad attitude?
BC: Well, if you guys stopped pi$$ing me off, I'd be in a good mood!
MK: And?
EM: Erm ... umm ...
MK: Don't listen to him?
EM: Oh. Bear lies.
BC: I can't lie if I don't have a bed!
MK: Bear, deal with it! Your bed is in the washer and it will be ready soon.
BC: How soon? How could you swipe my bed? I was only gone for five minutes! I walked down the hall, got some food and came back! It was a nap break! Not a nap STOP.
MK: Now it was only five minutes?
BC: What are you talking about?
MK: Earlier you said you were at the food bowl for five hours.
BC: No, I didn't.
MK: Ugh.
BC: Is my cat bed ready?
MK: No! It went in the wash ten minutes ago!
EM: Are my cat tree furnishings ready?

MK: NO! They're in the same wash as Bear's bed!
BC: Oh. So it will be ready in another ten minutes.
MK: NO! An hour to wash, an hour to dry.
BC: But ... but ... where am I going to sleep?
MK: I only took half the cat beds to wash - and left the rest for you and Ellie to have a place to sleep. I'll wash the other half tomorrow.
BC: Don't bother! I'll lick them clean! It's good enough for me!
MK: No. Caked litter isn't good for you.
BC: Neither is that crap kibble you feed us. You could give us back the good stuff.
MK: Bear, your blood sugar doubled on the new food - for over a week. I'm not messing around with that.
BC: You even threw away the new kibble in the second food bowl!
MK: Well, SOME CAT who only eats out of the bowl in the hall realized the new kibble was in the second bowl and started eating from that bowl. Thus meaning his blood sugar DID NOT actually go down.
BC: Why would it be in a bowl of food if I'm not supposed to eat it?
MK: Because Ellie usually eats from that food bowl and I was going to let her keep eating it!
BC: OHHH! So Smellie gets the good stuff!
EM: I do?
BC: Wait ... you give Smellie the good stuff to fatten her up!
EM: WHAT?!?!?!
BC: Momma's giving you the good kibble so she can fatten you up and eat you!
{Pause}
BC: Smellie?
{Pause}
BC: Where did she go?
MK: You did that on purpose.
BC: How was I supposed to know she'd be stupid enough to listen to me?
MK: You're grounded.
BC: Story of my life! If I knew it would be THAT easy to get rid of her, I'd have said that years ago!
EM: {from her hiding spot} I'M NEVER COMING OUT EVER AGAIN!
BC: {whispering} Until she gets hungry ...

© 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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31 comments

  1. LOL this story is so funny! Please keep more cat stories coming!

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  2. Just think how nice and sweet smelling your beds will be! Oh, of course you don't want them smelling nice. Have fun stinking them up again.

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  3. Seriously, Bear...you are going to give Ellie a complex!

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    Replies
    1. Going to? She's already terrified of everything thanks to that jerk.

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    2. I just feed into her fears. That's fair! I don't really LIE. Besides, if you heard how Momma and The Boy crow and coo all over my stupid sisfur, you wouldn't blame me. ~Bear Cat

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  4. Oh no looks like you were victims of a cat burglar!!!YIKES...
    I love your cat tree
    Hugs Cecilia

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Just as long as the cat burglar IS NOT a cat ... random cats passing through are a real danger you know! ~Bear Cat

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  5. Maybe Simon took your beds, he took mine!

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    Replies
    1. We totally forgot about that! We should've included him in the post!

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  6. waddya meen de bed N de furnishinz iz IN DE WASHER ~~~~~~~~~~ thiz iz like a traviz tee....sure they mite come outta ther all warm N toasteee, but itz like 10,934 degreez in de shade sew thatz a moot point...shame...SHAME on yur mom......shame ~~~~~ :) ♥♥

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    Replies
    1. What is it with humans' obsessions for clean?! Lick it ... and it's clean! TADA! OBVIOUSLY. ~Bear Cat

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  7. You poor babies! Mudpie would faint if her beds and blankies went missing.

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    Replies
    1. Hey! I did half of the beds at separate times - so the cats would have a place (more like 10 places) to choose from!

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  8. AMARULA: YOu can share my bed anytime big boy!!

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  9. We sure hope you find your beds and blankets soon, Bear and Ellie!

    Oh, and by the way, the 13 year-old in me totally laughed out loud at:

    MK: Ellie, what do we say about Bear?
    EM: He's a dick?
    BC: HEY! That's Mr. Huge Dick to you!

    Thanks for always making us smile, dear pals. XO

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    Replies
    1. The Boy thought that line was inappropriate! It's like he doesn't know us!

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  10. Hmmm, sounds like a very hefty work schedule you have there, Bear. Maybe you need to work from home more? Zoom meetings and get a PA to do all the heavy lifting and mundane stuff, cleaning beds and whatnot. That way, you can spend time on the things that are important. Of course you'll need to set up your own new home office: extra beds and food bowls and breakout centres, but I'm sure that can be arranged by staff shrinkages ;)
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. Erm ... my staff is expanding at an alarming rate. They keep saying the dryer shrank their clothes ... but we all know what that means! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Bear, Now really...what would you do without Ellie Mae? No wait. I'll rephrase that. What would it be like with no one to meow to? You'll get your bed back...calm down! (mom hates that phrase).

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    Replies
    1. That's what Momma is for! Seriously! You should hear Smellie b!+ching at her! ~Bear Cat

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  12. We think washing half of your beds is 'catamount' to abuse.
    In tail wagging solidarity,
    Norman & Elsa 🐾

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  13. But just think of all the fun you two will have furring up those beds again!

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  14. That was so rude to take all your beds and blankies. Your momma should have put out replacements until these were cleaned. XO

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    Replies
    1. Well, in my defense, I only took HALF of the beds at a time. But cats being cats ... they never want what is available when something else isn't available ;)

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  15. Oh yes, the horrors of blanket/bed wash day. I'm glad you two survived!

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