Bear's #BiterLife

This past week, Bear went back to the veterinary dentist for a follow-up. The result? All good news! The mass hasn't grown back and the sites of the second set of extractions are healing as expected. As exciting as this news is, Bear's still upset over losing his teeth (he only has one fang now!). Might Bear find a bright side to his predicament? And how many signs will he need to make before he comes to terms with his loss?

 
BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 



{Bear's working on Momma's computer}
EM: Umm ... Bear, what are you doing? You're going to be in big trouble when Momma finds you messing with her computer!
BC: I'm not MESSING with her computer, I'm doing some work.
EM: You don't work.
BC: You have a point ...
EM: Last time you got on Momma's computer, you chatted with not one ... but TWO Nigerian Princes. And you won the lottery three times in five minutes! That'd be a record ... IF it was REAL.
BC: How was I supposed to know it wasn't real?
EM: Why would a Nigerian Prince be interested in you?
BC: I have my charms! And I'd make a kick-@$$ princess.
EM: You're a LADIES man. And a cat man. Why would a human man want a LADIES cat man?
BC: Err ... public shoveling!
EM: What?!?
BC: Monkey boots!
EM: Are you trying to confuse me because you know I'm ...
{The printer starts running}
EM: This is very very bad. Momma said NO MORE MAKING SIGNS!
BC: No, technically, she said I couldn't PUT UP any more signs. But YOU'RE going to put them up - so I'm not doing what Momma told me not to do.
EM: Technically.
BC: See?! You get it!
EM: Momma's going to be REALLY mad if you use up all her color ink again.
BC: HA! I'm printing in black and ...
{Pause}
BC: RATS!
EM: I don't know about you printing signs ... I think I should tell Momma about this ... she was REALLY mad the time before last time when you bought a bunch of fish tanks thinking they were artillery tanks. That doesn't include all the apps you purchased on Daddy's phone! Oh! That reminds me! I have to look for the Thumbtack app!
BC: That's for a Smartphone.
EM: I KNOW! 
BC: Smellie, you use Thumbtack to find professionals to work for you.
EM: No! They specifically said, "FIND YOUR PEOPLE ON THUMBTACK!" I lose my people all the time. 
BC: Did you hear that?
EM: No.
BC: Momma's coming!
EM: UH OH!
{Pause}
EM: WAIT! I'm not doing anything wrong!
BC: RATS! Here! Take these signs and hide them while I log off.
EM: But ...
BC: JUST DO IT!
{Momma sits down and works on her computer ... an hour passes. Occasionally, Momma hears something going on behind her - but every time she turns around, she doesn't see anything.}
EM: Umm ... Momma? I think you'd better come to see this.
MK: What did Bear do now?
EM: I don't think you're going to like it ...
BC: Hi.
MK: Bear?! What'd you do now?
BC: Notice anything new about me?
EM: Oh! A game! I'll guess! Erm ... you have a bald spot ...
{Momma gasps}
EM: What?!
BC: Like my new grill?
MK: You got gold canine teeth to replace the two real teeth you lost?
BC: 100% street cred, baby.
MK: Call me baby again ... 
{Pause}
MK: Wait. How did you pay for your gold teeth?
BC: I tried to contact that tooth fairy b*tch - but she wouldn't take my calls! I figured she has a bunch of extra teeth sitting around since she steals kids' teeth - and she'd give me a discount.
MK: But the tooth fairy doesn't have gold teeth.
BC: I was getting to that! I guess the people at 911 got to her and told her about me calling 911 repeatedly to report an empty food bowl and attempted murder by brushing my teeth. 
{Momma rolls her eyes}
BC: You can't keep a bad boy with 100% street cred down though!
MK: And how did you pay for your gold teeth?
BC: You know that credit card you have for emergencies?
MK: Oh, no.
BC: Yep. This was an emergency.
MK: Wait a minute!
BC: What are you doing? AHHHHH! Momma's manhandling me! HELP! HELP!
MK: YOU HAVE THREE GOLD CANINE TEETH!
BC: I look just like a rapper, don't I? I restrained myself from getting a complete set of gold teeth.
MK: And you want me to thank you for that?
BC: It'd be nice.
EM: Momma, you haven't seen all the signs!
MK: SIGNS?! Where?!
EM: In the hall! I was referring to them when I mentioned you better come see this.
MK: Show me these ...
{Pause}
MK: {GASP!}
EM: Is Bear in trouble? Because I TOLD him he'd get in trouble. But he doesn't listen to me!
BC: You say that like it's a bad thing.
MK: BEAR!
BC: Hey! You're the one that sleeps for eight hours at a time. A cat gets bored.
MK: YOU HAVE TOYS!
BC: They're not as fun as your toys.

A close-up of Bear's signs:

















{Momma sighs}
The Boy: {walking into the room} WHAT ARE ALL THESE SIGNS?!? Biterlifestyle? Let me guess ...
EM: BEAR DID IT, DADDY! Bear's in BIG trouble.
BC: My hashtags should be trending on social media any minute.
{Silence}
BC: But ... since all of you are here, I believe it's time to remember the teeth we've lost and the raw power no longer backing up my biting.
EM: WE didn't lose any teeth. Only YOU lost teeth.
BC: But you can help remember them with me, right?
EM: {mumbling to herself} Like I could forget them ...
BC: {AHEM} Dearly departed ...
{Momma giggles}
BC: What?!
MK: Dearly BELOVED!
BC: I'm not going to say that! Smellie and The Boy are here!
EM: You said you love me the other night!
BC: Yeah, because you were in my way.
EM: I was in my cat bed!
BC: Exactly.
EM: WHAT A JERK! I can't believe I'm here supporting you when all you do is be mean to me!
The Boy: To be fair ... that's not all he does. He sleeps. Eats. Makes fun of me. Snuggles with his Momma. And poops.

EM: Why should I care that he lost some teeth and can't bite us anymore?

MK: Repeat that back in your head ...
EM: Why should ... care ... teeth ... can't bite ... anymore ...
MK: And?
EM: Then this should be a party! Not a funeral for some stupid teeth and Bear's life as a biter.
BC: STUPID TEETH?!?! Have some respect! Those teeth taught you a lesson or two.
EM: Yeah. Run faster.
BC: Are you done?! May I continue with the ceremony to commemorate the loss of my little friends and my life as a biter?
The Boy: Can you make it quick? I have to go back to work in a few minutes.
BC: NO. I can't make it quick. My teeth deserve better.
EM: They're not in your mouth! How would they know?
BC: I know!
{Pause}
BC: I saw you all roll your eyes! {AHEM} I will continue and I expect the respect I had when I had four fangs and assorted other pointies.
{Pause}
BC: We've been together ... for worse and worser ... in sickness and in health ... 
EM: This is dumb. I'm leaving.
BC: You're excused.
EM: I can go?
BC: You're excused for being you.
EM: WAIT. A. MINUTE. I don't need an excuse to be me! Everything ABOUT YOU is an excuse!
BC: You may go.
EM: Great! Thanks!
BC: Preferably to someone else's house.
EM: I HEARD THAT!
BC:  As I was saying ... {AHEM} However, it was not until death do us part. You were there when I starved, you were there when Momma brushed my teeth, you were there when I got in trouble calling 911 to report my food bowl was empty. Through it all ... we suffered - together. You were snatched from me! I never told you just how much I love you! I never told you how much I appreciated what you can do - the raw power you bestowed upon me!
The Boy: I agree with Ellie. This is stupid. I'm leaving.
BC: No, you stay.
The Boy: But you let Ellie leave!
BC: That's because she's too stupid to understand and have the proper respect for my teeth.
The Boy: I'm not too stupid?
BC: You have a point. Bye.
The Boy: Hey!
BC: You've been excused. Leave.
MK: JUST TAKE IT and be spared!
The Boy: You don't have to listen to this either!
BC: Phht. Don't be ridiculous. I might have one fang and a bunch of baby teeth - and I must expend more energy to bite Momma four times to equal what used to take one bite - but I will enforce my will around here.
The Boy: I shouldn't be ridiculous? What are you, if NOT ridiculous?
BC: Are you still here?
EM: Yes! But your teeth aren't! Hahahaha.
The Boy: Hahahaha.
BC: I was drugged and violated! My teeth were taken from my lifeless body when I was unable to protect myself! You don't think drugging someone to take his teeth is a thing until it happens to you!
EM: That's true! I didn't know bathing a cat was a thing until the day I moved in.
BC: You didn't "move in." You INVADED ... like the plague.
EM: At least my breath's never SMELLED like the plague.
MK: Actually, Ellie is due for a dental too. I've been putting it off.
EM: You can keep putting it off, Momma. That's okay.
BC: HA! I hope you lose all your teeth!
EM: That wouldn't be so bad. I don't really use them - except for love bites.
BC: You have no idea what you're missing!
EM: I don't miss being a j@ck@$$ to my people! I only bite them with love.
BC: I HATE that term! Love bites aren't real bites! They're little sissy nibbles.
EM: Biting is overrated.
BC: No, biting is DEFINITELY underrated. How dare you defile the secret, vital purpose of a cat's greatest asset! Teeth are how a cat gets his way.
EM: Being nice. That's how a cat gets HER way.
BC: Let me teach you how to bite for real!
EM: No, thanks!
BC: So if a giant tuna goes traipsing through our living room, how will you eat it if you can't bite for real?
EM: I would tell Momma there's a huge tuna traipsing through our living room and that she needs to kill it - because Bear doesn't have any teeth.
MK: Haha. You think Bear would get anywhere near a huge tuna?  He's scared enough of the tuna on a plate.
BC: LIES! Now, a poem.
{Pause}
BC: One tooth, two teeth,
Tear tooth, chew tooth.
False tooth, true tooth.
Old tooth, gold tooth.
This tooth has lots of bite.
This tooth causes lots of fright.
My teeth own you with might, fight and spite.
Yes. Some are used to tear. And some are used to chew.
Some are old. And some are gold.
Losing one tooth makes me sad,
Losing them all is very bad.
{Silence}
BC: WHAT?
EM: That was dumb.
BC: Goodbye, teeth! I barely knew ye! Goodbye, biter life - we made Momma listen to us!
EM: "I barely knew ye." HA! You're lucky. We knew ye well!
The Boy: Ellie's got a point.
BC: SEE?!? You SHOULD be here to mourn the loss of my teeth.
The Boy: Loss of your teeth - yes. Loss of your ability to bite - no.
BC: In closing ... a song.
{Pause}
BC: {AHEM} I'm too sexy for my teeth. Too sexy for my teeth. Sexier than some stupid tooth fairy could bequeath.
The Boy: And Bear's teeth come back for one final painful mauling. You know it's bad when the FUNERAL is painful.
BC: Do either of you know a good lawyer?
MK: No.
BC: RATS. My lawyer teamed up with the Tooth Fairy and the people at 911 - so I need to find a new lawyer to sue that stupid vet dentist. Oh, and Momma, I need your credit card ... the one for emergencies.
MK: Am I the only one able to appreciate the irony that if I decided to murder Bear - he couldn't call 911 because they won't take our calls?
BC: They wouldn't take YOUR call either if I chose to murder YOU!
MK: You have ONE TOOTH!
BC: If I bite you four times - it's like I have all my teeth.
MK: Why am I NOT surprised you see it that way?
BC: Because I've bitten you for fifteen years.
EM: Ummm ... so we don't need a funeral for Bear's teeth or his #BiterLifestyle? I mean, if you only have to bite Momma four times instead of one ... did you really lose anything?
BC: Huh. No more crying over spilled milk! Smellie, you're not ALWAYS stupid.
EM: Thank ... HEY! Wait a minute!
BC: What are you going to do, bite me? Hahahahahaha.
EM: {mumbling to herself} Don't tempt me, OneFang.

© 2021 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2021. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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30 comments

  1. It will all be okay Bear, fangs are overrated, I only have one left too.

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    Replies
    1. I guess it's not so bad. I get all the wet food I can eat now! ~Bear Cat

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  2. I'm glad you're doing well after your dentist visit Bear. You made me laugh today with all those biter life stuff, thanks!

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  3. YAY Bear....oh I'm so glad to hear you are perking right along after your dental and all is being maintained.

    MOL MOL 'barred rusty underpants'....that was funny Hugs Cecilia

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    Replies
    1. I don't know why I let my Momma read and type stuff - inevitably, she screws SOMETHING up - or claims she must tone down my attitude. Phht. Nothing about me is toned down. ~Bear Cat

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  4. Hey! Bear! You are too funny! Nigerian Princes would run from YOU! Now there are no teeth, you could use your CLAWS! Queen Nellie used to say " A rose has thorns, a cat has claws, certainly both are worth the risk!" And "Keep Calm and Put Your CLAWS Out!" Thanks for visiting and have a marvellously happy day!

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    Replies
    1. Nellie was very wise. We still miss her as we're sure you do too. ~Bear Cat

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  5. Bear, you're too much! MOL And we're so very happy to hear the wonderful news.

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    Replies
    1. Too much is a good thing, right? Like TOO sexy? Too hunky? Momma, The Boy and Smellie use other descriptors, but I think they're just jealous. ~Bear Cat

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  6. I am sure you look very dashing with your gold teeth, Bear. That is very good news that the mass hasn't come back.

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    Replies
    1. You're telling me! Imagine if I had to have it removed a THIRD time! ~Bear Cat

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  7. Bear, we are just happy the news from the vet was good. Sorry. We don't think you need all your teeth to be a tough guy anyways!

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  8. I’m glad you got a good report from the vet, Bear. But losing teeth. Sheesh. Now you gotta gum your foods.

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    Replies
    1. Actually, I was a stinker about having kibble for years - even after my diabetes diagnosis. I have a new found appreciation for wet food and actually eat enough to sustain myself now (though the bowl of kibble must be there anyway just in case - I revert to 100% kibble eater if the bowl is not there)! ~Bear Cat

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  9. Sorry about the loss of your teeth but one is better than none (and think of all the soft food you'll be getting?!). Just trying to keep it pawsitive and upbeat. 😸 Way to beef up your street cred.

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    Replies
    1. I know, right?!? I've earned my gold teeth for sure. ~Bear Cat

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  10. Those gold teeth are impressive. And I don't think you need to worry about a tuna going through your living room. :) XO

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    Replies
    1. Miss Ellen, you are definitely right. Just like my tasty whole chickens, the tunas will be hiding behind closed doors. ~Bear Cat

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  11. Gracie and Zoe didn't have many teeth in their later years, Bear. You will be just fine, pal. Promise!

    By the way, this made us MOL (sorry):

    BC: Are you still here?
    EM: Yes! But your teeth aren't! Hahahaha.

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    Replies
    1. Every so often, Smellie gets one over on me. It's the least I can do for all the times I get stuff over on her. ~Bear Cat

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  12. Listen, Bear. My brofur Jesse lost all of his toofs to stomitis. Yoo will do very well with just one fang. Jesse still noms kibble. It's not the end of the world.

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    Replies
    1. Respectfully, Dori, I don't believe you understand the #BiterLife. How I use my teeth is a HUGE part of my identity. But you are right, my life is not over; it is irrevocably changed. I still munch some kibble - but I also like the additional wet food on my plate! ~Bear Cat

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  13. Gold teeth? You have expensive taste! (Glad the vet recheck went well!)

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  14. Bear, our Robin had 1 fang and she ruled with an iron paw and claw. You will too.

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    Replies
    1. I believe you! And I will. I just have to bite Momma four times to get the same effect. Worth the effort? Yes. ~Bear Cat

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  15. AMARULA: Bite or die trying! That is a motto to live by Bear! Fangs or not you are my fav ferocious kitty!

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