Friday, March 8, 2019

The quack daddy

Bear gets his tanks ... and they aren't exactly as he expected. If you missed the post talking about Bear getting a tank collectionBear's tanks and tuna. As a special treat, Bear shares one of his rejected rap songs. Hot or not?

BC: Bear Cat Kat
EM: Ellie Mae Kat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

BC: WHAT?!? #@&*! Something's wrong with this ... Glass? Who ever heard of a glass tank?One round and the whole thing shatters! And there's no turret! No tread! This mother-meower can't even move! I'm going to be the laughing-stock of the bad-@$$es! This isn't funny! I paid good money ...
{Pause}
BC: Momma paid good money anyway.
{Pause}
BC: This is NOT a tank! Nope. Nah-uh.
EM: What's wrong?
BC: We got our full-sized tank collection!

EM: That's not a tank.
BC: Aren't YOU perceptive.
EM: Those aren't tanks!
BC: I know! I was screwed!
EM: Thank goodness.
BC: WHAT? 
EM: Thank goodness you didn't get actual military tanks.
BC: Thank goodness you didn't get an actual brain.
EM: No, I'm just saying ...
BC: No, I'm just NOT listening.
EM: You? Behind the wheel of a tank?
BC: Phht. Shows what you know. Tanks don't have steering wheels.
EM: Are you sure? I could've sworn ...
BC: Lucky for me, my claws and fangs are as brutal and indestructible as a tank.
EM: Phht. As the GLASS tank.
BC: Shows what you know.
EM: Uh huh. Momma clips your claws and brushes your teeth. And you screech like a little girl!

BC: HEY! I'll have you know that she bleeds more than I do after either.
EM: I told you the tank thing was too good to be true!
BC: How was I supposed to know they weren't MILITARY tanks?
EM: There wasn't a picture?
BC: NO! Phht. How unsophisticated! I can READ! I don't need pictures! 
EM: Uh huh.
BC: It just said high-capacity, sturdy tanks!
EM: And you used Momma's credit card?
BC: *&@^ %#*@! I have to get out of here before Momma sees these! Cute won't fix this!
{Momma and The Boy walk into the room}
BC: *@^!
The Boy: Back when my life was good ...
MK: WHAT?!?
The Boy: Back when my life was ...
{Pause}
The Boy: *@&#!
MK: So your life isn't good now?
The Boy: No, I'm just saying ...
MK: No, I'm just NOT listening.
EM: Huh. That's where he got it from.
The Boy: I didn't mean it like it sounded!
MK: Then how did you mean it?
EM: Ummm ... Momma? Notice anything different around here?

MK: Not now, Ellie!
BC: Hmmm ... I wonder how long I can count on Momma to be distract ...
MK: WHY ARE THERE TEN FISH TANKS IN MY FAMILY ROOM?
BC: Uh oh.
MK: BEAR!
BC: How do you know I did it?
{Silence}
BC: Right. Good point.
{Pause}
BC: OHHHH! See, I thought I was buying military tanks ... but they were actually fish tanks. I didn't get it at first. I thought they sent the tanks to the wrong people ...
MK: BUYING? How much did these cost?
EM: I told him it was a bad idea!
{Pause}
EM: Wait a ... is one of the tanks full of tuna? Now it makes perfect sense!
MK: BEAR! I told you to stay off my computer!
BC: I stayed off your computer, I was in the desk chair!
MK: You know what I meant! And Ellie, you KNEW about this?
EM: Err ... I tried to tell you! But you were too busy being mad at Da ...
{Pause}
EM: Err ... not MAD ... just really unhappy.
{Pause}
EM: Not that I am blame you. Daddy was wrong ...
The Boy: Excuse me?
EM: {running under the bed to hide} I can't deal with this! All the pressure! This is a disaster! My people are mad at me! I'm the nice cat! A good girl! And the cute one. 

BC: And clearly brain-damaged. Or deranged.
EM: I can't live without my people! I need to eat and have laps and stuff!
BC: What a coward.
MK: Bear?
BC: BYE!
The Boy: I guess it's just you and me.
MK: So you had a good life before ... what kind of life do you have now?
{Silence}
BC: {from his hiding spot} DON'T ANSWER THAT! It's a trap! She'll rip your head off and ...
MK: Bear, don't you think you're in enough trouble?
BC: Phht. ENOUGH trouble. Hardly. There's not NEARLY enough trouble EVER. What fun is life without trouble? It's like you saying you've had enough doughnuts.
MK: That would never happen.
The Boy: But you don't eat doughnuts anymore ... you just eat everything else.
BC: &*#@! Moron! She's going to KILL you! No one talks about my Momma that way!
{Pause}
BC: But it's true.
{Pause}
BC: ANYWAY, back to me ... I'm just bad to the bone.
MK: Then you wouldn't run away from me.
BC: Phht. I run away because I don't want to hurt you. Having this level of brawn ... very dangerous.
EM: Says the cat hiding in the closet!
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's better than my SISTER who's hiding under the bed!
EM: HEY!
BC: I need a nickname that reflects my bad-@$$ery.
EM: Big @$$?
BC: YEA ... wait a ...
{Pause}
BC: Very funny! I need something other toms will respect and ladies will swoon for.
EM: OTHER toms? As if you're a tom?
BC: HEY! Back in the day, I fathered lots of kittens.
EM: Can you do that with yourself?
BC: I'm the quack daddy.
EM: Excuse me?
BC: Little Miss Innocent over there wouldn't understand.
EM: {picturing what a quack daddy might look like} QUACK daddy? For real?

BC: Yes! I have raw masculinity and power over chicks.
EM: Do you mean MAC daddy? Because baby ducks aren't chicks.
BC: Err ... yeah! I'm the quack daddy! And I've got the street cred to prove it!
EM: Maybe you're right. You're quacked up!
BC: Phht. Nothing is all its quacked up to be. But I come pretty close.
EM: A quack daddy?
BC: I still don't understand why you and Momma rejected all my song ideas.
EM: Hey. If you want to be a crapper - more power to you.
BC: Phht. One can't just START being a crapper. Either you're born with it or subject to a life devoid of crapping.
{Ellie giggle uncontrollably}
BC: CRAPPER! As in CAT RAPPER! What's wrong with you?
{Pause}
BC: Wait a ... *&@^! Maybe that should be Catrapper.
EM: That sounds kind of scary.
BC: Good. Because us catrappers are so bad, we're good.
EM: Umm ...
BC: Check this out! Check this out! Momma didn't appreciate this - but you might. {AHEM}
{Pause}
BC: {to the tune of Sir-Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back} I like big 'ties ... no tom cat can deny,
He watches the 'ties walk on by.

{Pause}
BC: Shades of brown, black, and orange and attitude abound,
The queens of lady cats crowned.
{Pause}
BC: Love them, squeeze them, please them, oh my!
Give me my 'ties or let me die! 
EM: Err ... kind of sweet ... but also kind of ... hmm ...
BC: Street cred is where it's at.
EM: Street cred? For a Momma's boy?
BC: Phht. I'm so secure in my virile masculinity that I'm not embarrassed to show how much I love my Momma. Besides, she'd be helpless and hopeless without me watching over her.
EM: Bad-@$$, my foot! Err ... paw.
BC: I also have a shark-side and a princess-side and a "get out of my way, moron, before I run you over" side and a "I don't need anger management, you need to stop being stupid and ticking me off problem!" side and a "I'm totally flexible as long as everything goes my way" side. You got a problem with that?
EM: Err ... no. Though it sounds a bit ... tyrannical.
BC: I'm very well-rounded.
EM: You could say that again, Pear-Bear.

BC: Take that back, SMELLIE!
EM: You call me Smellie and Yellie ...
BC: And Momma calls you Ellie Belly. Not so much room to talk.
EM: And you're fruity!
BC: Do you hear anything out there? I really want to know what's going on ... quiet is bad. Well, for getting rid of The Boy anyway.
EM: Why would we get rid of him?
BC: Not WE ... Momma!
EM: Why would she do that?
BC: Because his foot is so far down his throat that it's coming out the other end.
EM: REALLY?! That sounds painful!
BC: Not as painful as sharing my life with you and him.
MK: We'll take care of this right now.
{Momma opens the closet and starts rooting around for something}

BC: Uh oh.
MK: AHA!
BC: Momma! Put the shovel down!
EM: Shovel? What's going on out there?
BC: Don't do it, Momma! Well, not now.
{Pause}
BC: You have to wait until after dark, remember!
EM: REMEMBER? Momma's buried bodies before?
BC: Let's just say our garden's at capacity.
EM: Oh NO! Poor Daddy!
BC: I guess he won't be chasing you again.
EM: Oh, no!
BC: It's about time she told him what's up! Or down. Six feet to be exact.
The Boy: Let's get this over with!
BC: Huh. That's a first
EM: {streaking out from under the bed} NO! NO! Don't kill my Daddy!
MK: What?
EM: Bear said ...

MK: Think about what you just said.
EM: Bear ... said ... 
{Pause}
EM: *@&$!
BC: Technically that's not the word I used.
EM: So what are you doing?
BC: Momma! SHH! Don't incriminate yourself!
MK: The Boy and I are putting the black cat lawn ornament - that we've had for months - in the garden.

EM: PHEW!
BC: WHAT?!?! You mean on top of The Boy's dead body?
MK: No dead bodies.
BC: I get what you're putting down. None ... YET.
MK: Oh, Bear.
The Boy: What's he talking about?
BC: Did Momma ever tell you about her last boy?
The Boy: Err ... I'll take the shovel.


 © 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.


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36 comments:

  1. MOL @ the tanks and Pear-Bear! Mom used to call Angel Ellie "Ellie Belly" all the time.

    The Florida Furkids

    ReplyDelete
  2. You need to read the ads more carefully, Bear! Next time it could be a hot water tank.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHAT?!? What would someone need hot water for? Well, besides for cooking tasty whole chickens ... ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  3. Don't worry, Ellie, your people aren't mad at you, I'm sure. Bear... well....

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ellie, BC, MK, I know this is an embarrassing overload of compliments but I really mean it (again) when I say you make my day. Hey. I'm a poet! And I know it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We love hearing that. Truly. Comments like this one keep us going.

      Delete
  5. Ellie, you are the single most earnest little girl ever. That sweet face and that little nose sticking up with those big eyes...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She is! I can't imagine who would've had her and let her go! Their loss. She truly is the sweetest cat you'll meet!

      Delete
  6. I agree with your momma. One can never have enough doughnuts!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think my Momma thinks there's too much anything! ~Bear Cat

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  7. That idea sure tanked Bear!

    ReplyDelete
  8. One thing we know for sure....Bear knows how to keep everyone on their toes around there!!
    Jan & the crew at Wag 'n Woof Pets

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  9. Just think...you could start your very own fish farm in all the tanks. Easier than trying for the whole chicken farm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm .... this is the best idea I've heard so far! Well, given Momma will spend the rest of the money necessary to start it up! ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  10. Dang, Bear. That's a whole lot of the wrong kind of tanks.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bear, you know those tanks are much better than the ones you thought you ordered. You can fill the glass ones with fish. Good for watching and eating. You do have the perfect pear body. So cute! Glad to hear no living, breathing thing is being buried. We actually thought the argument was over who was going to shovel snow. The black cat garden stake is pretty cute. We'd think you'd be upset that it's not of you. MOL! XOCK, angel Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, angel Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth, Calista Jo, Cooper Murphy and Sawyer

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  12. AMARULA: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh my my Bear I am swooning! I LOVE your rap look!! You are such a bad boy! MEOW handsome!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, my beautiful tortie princess/ass-kicker. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  13. You ever hear of shatterproof glass BC? Although all that glass would make you a pretty good target but on the plus you'd have 3-d vision. Us? We're not tank kitties. We're more the, " Run for Your Life, " furries.

    Shoko

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  14. Well Bear, those sure are some innerestin' tanks ya' got there. Ellie, you should see 'bout gettin' some fishies fur 'em. We luv to watch fishies. Or even better, a froggy or a few. Me's sis Lexi used to tell me how much fun those little fish tank froggies were. Mommy says our stores don't sell 'em and that's why we don't have any.Luv the yard decor, but did ya' really need a shovel to stick it in the ground? That must be some hard dirt ya'll have there. MOL Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's either muddy here or dry. We didn't really need a shovel ... it's just the best alternative Momma could come up with!

      Delete
  15. Ellie Mae I hope the people got glad as quickly as they go mad!!
    Bear that hat is hilarious
    Hugs Cecilia

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    Replies
    1. Bear's the one I have to worry about ... he holds a grudge! ~Ellie Mae

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  16. Talk about digging your own hole..... Bear, maybe you could send the tanks back, get a refund and spend the money on a slap up meal for two—Tuna Steaks and a glass of vino; followed by hot tottie or maybe tortie! ;)
    Purrs
    ERin

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    Replies
    1. You always have the best ideas, ERin. You must keep Mrs. H. on her toes!

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