Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Duck ... duck ... GOOSE!

The Boy's got some good news, Momma's excited by the prospect of petting ducks, and the cats are ... itching for a fight and dragging The Boy and Momma into their own disagreement.

MK: Momma Kat
BC: Bear Cat Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance
EM: Ellie Mae Kat  

MK: That's so exciting! Congratulations!
BC: WHAT? What are you congratulating The Boy on? Is he LEAVING? Hopefully? Because he could leave and I'd have my Momma to myself.
EM: HEY!
MK: NO! He's not leaving.
BC: Did he get a clue? Find a brain? Grow a pair? Abduct aliens?
The Boy: I got a new job!
EM: WHAT?!?! Daddy's not going to be my Daddy anymore?
The Boy: What are you talking about?
EM: Your job is to be my Daddy!
BC: Barf.
EM: And being my Daddy means chasing me and scooping my litter box and giving me a lap when I don't want Momma's lap.
BC: You can't be that stupid to not know you just insulted him!
EM: How?
BC: As I said ... you ARE that stupid. You said, "When I don't want Momma's!" That implies Momma's your first choice.
EM: What's so wrong with ...
The Boy: HEY!
EM: You're quitting being my Daddy because I like Momma more?

The Boy: NO! Wait a minute ... you like Momma more than you like me?
BC: DING DING DING, Ding Dong!
EM: So whose Daddy are you now?
BC: The monkey's uncle!
EM: Monkey? What monkey? What uncle? You chose a monkey's uncle over me?
The Boy: I'm still your Daddy!
EM: So you're still going to scoop my litter box and chase me ...
The Boy: And give you a lap when you don't want Momma's lap? You already mentioned that.
EM: But you said you had a new job!
The Boy: Where I go during the day!
EM: You're gone during the day?
{Silence}
BC: D@mn! She really IS that stupid.
EM: Though I guess that makes sense. The litter box jockey is not very prompt during the day.  And I spend a lot of the day sleeping and taking care of Momma. At least Momma's the keeper of the food so we won't starve.
The Boy: Your Momma and I were about to talk about taking a trip before I start my new job.
BC: Well, that half works.
The Boy: What?
BC: Instead of Momma, you should take Smellie!
EM: I'd love to go on vacation! Maybe somewhere that has tuna?
The Boy: No. It would be just me and your Momma.
EM: Awwww! And I get left behind AGAIN! With BEAR no less!

BC: At least I know which side of the litter box is the stinky poop side.
EM: I know which side of the litter box is the stinky poop side. I just don't care.
BC: I'm not staying here with HER. 
EM: GOOD! I'm not staying here with YOU!
The Boy: Neither of you are going anywhere!
MK: So we'll see the ducks?
BC: DUCKS? What ducks?
EM: Are you cheating on us?
The Boy: One of the hotels we're looking at has a team of ducks.
MK: And I want to pet them!
BC: After twelve years of Miss Grabby Hands, I ALMOST feel sorry for those ducks. They have no idea what she's capable of.
EM: The ducks better not sit on my lap!
BC: What? Didn't you listen? They're leaving us here!
EM: My lap is Momma's lap because I own it.
The Boy: HEY!
BC: Phht. Momma's lap is MY lap.
The Boy: HEY! What am I? Chopped liver?
BC: That might be tasty!
{Pause}
BC: So you are good for something!

EM: My Daddy's good at scooping our litter box, and chasing me around, and as a backup lap.
The Boy: Backup?
{Pause}
The Boy: But Kat, they won't let you pet the ducks!
MK: Then I'll make friends with the ducks.
BC: Better you with her than me. I still haven't lived down her momma-goose honking and flapping her wings ... err ... arms ...
MK: To keep the goslings away from a busy road!
BC: That's what the mother goose is for!
{Pause}
BC: Then again, if I had eleven babies, I wouldn't mind a few getting run over.
MK: BEAR!
BC: I'm kidding!
{Pause}
BC: Mostly.
MK: Then I guess it's good you never fathered kittens.
BC: Excuse me? I'm too bad-@$$ to be a father. I'm like a bad penny. I get around. And no one can keep me in their pockets.
MK: I think it takes a special kind of guy to be a good daddy.
BC: That's RIGHT! I'm masculine and virile and I fathered all kinds of kittens ... 

EM: Any of the real kind?
BC: Oh, shut up! And I fathered all kinds of kittens by a lot of chicks!
EM: You got together with a chicken? Isn't that kind of a conflict of interest because of your love for eating tasty whole chickens? Would you eat your own chittens?
BC: I hear an annoying noise ...
EM: Get it? Chittens? A cross of kittens and chicken. Or is that kicken?
BC: The annoying noise is getting louder.
MK: Funny. I remember you running from the other cats when you were homeless. You actually got up close to a female?
BC: Err ... making babies is a powerful motivator.
MK: Uh huh. I saw a female look at you that one time and you took off.
BC: She was sketchy!
The Boy: Phht. Aren't all women?
MK: Oh, REALLY?
The Boy: Err ... except you, honey.
EM: HEY!
The Boy: And you, Ellie.
BC: But there are other ways to father kittens that don't involve getting near ladies. 
MK: Are we talking about the same thing? I don't know of any way to father kittens where you don't get up close and personal.
BC: That's not how babies are made!
MK: Oh?
BC: Babies are usually made by rubbing up against each other ... 
EM: WHAT? YOU MEAN I COULD BE PREGNANT?

BC: Excuse me?
EM: We rub up on each other all the time! And I rub up on Daddy ... and you rub up on Momma ... there's a lot of baby-making going on around here!
MK: Bear doesn't exactly understand the mechanics.
EM: So I'm not pregnant?
MK: No. You and Bear are both fixed.
EM: You mean I was broken?
BC: Somethings can't be fixed.
MK: Your kitten making parts were removed.
EM: But what if I WANT to get pregnant?
BC: Phht. Yeah. Like anyone would touch you with a ten foot pole.
EM: What does a pole have to do with kitten making?
MK: You don't want to be pregnant. BELIEVE ME.
EM: Have you been pregnant, Momma?
MK: No. I just mean there are enough kitties killed every day in shelters across the country because the shelters don't have room for them.
EM: THAT'S HORRIBLE! Why don't they just build more shelters?
MK: And being a Mom is a huge responsibility.
BC: When you're as virile and masculine as I am ... you just look at chicks and they get pregnant. But let me tell you, kitten support is a *itch. 
EM: So I COULD be pregnant? Because Bear gives me dirty looks all the time.
BC: Phht. When I look at you, it's pure disgust at your being a sorry excuse for a cat.

MK: BEAR! That was too far. You crossed a line!
EM: Momma, am I a sorry excuse for a cat?
MK: Not at all. You and Bear just have different ways of being a cat. One isn't any better than any other way. Bear, apologize.
BC: I'm sorry, Momma.
MK: Not to me ...
BC: Do I have to?
EM: So Bear's way of being a cat is being a jerk?
MK: ELLIE!
BC: I'll show you what being a jerk means!
{Pause as Momma thinks up something to say to distract the cats from the brewing cat disagreement}
MK: I really want to make friends with the ducks!
BC: What else is new? Use a fake name and a disguise. I don't want it to get back here that you're fraternizing with ducks. Have you heard what they say about me because of your stint as a momma goose?
MK: They?  They WHO?
BC: EVERYONE! They're laughing at me and mocking me!
EM: Like you're sure a facial tissue box is mocking you?
BC: HEY! If you saw the box, you'd understand. Don't listen to me. FINE! But don't come crying to me when the box gets all up in your grill and calls you fat.
EM: YOU get all up in my grill and call me fat.
BC: But I'm not a coward.
EM: I found your spot under the bed.
MK: WHAT?!?!
EM: If you go to the left corner of the bed, there's a little pile of kibble, a few micey, a few items from his secret stash ...
BC: ANY way. Ducks?

EM: And a poster from Viva La Torties magazine with March's centerfolds.
BC: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You don't see me telling Momma about YOUR weaknesses!
EM: Like?
BC: Err ... You don't see me ruining your favorite things!
EM: You've barfed on my scratcher several times!
BC: Err ... you don't see me ruining any of your favorite things - besides the scratcher!
EM: BOTH of my scratchers!
MK: Bear ...
BC: Besides, I get the magazine for the articles! NOT for the centerfolds.
EM: Oh. That makes sense. But you didn't have the articles on a poster. Where are they?
BC: Ummm ...
EM: You barfed on them too, didn't you. If you love it, you must barf on it.
BC: Phht. LOVE has nothing to do with it. More like payback.
MK: Let me see that centerfold poster!
BC: BIG MOUTH!
EM: That's not a nice thing to say about Momma!
BC: I was talking about you!
EM: Oh. In that case, I'll go get the poster for you, Momma.
BC: HEY! Just WAIT until they take their trip!
EM: I'm tired of you lying to me and making me the butt of all your jokes!
BC: Phht. You're ALREADY a huge butt.
EM: I don't like you.
BC: GOOD! Because I don't like you either.
{Ellie leaves and comes back with the poster}
EM: See? Just holding this poster makes me feel dirty!

BC: THAT makes you feel dirty? Not ...
MK: BEAR!
EM: And you might as well know there was a red permanent marker under there. One guess as to who wrote that filth!
MK: Let me see that ... This poster is of Amarula and Mudpie! Do their Moms know about this?

BC: They're both consenting adults! Don't ruin it for me, Momma! Since I can't meet them in person ... err ... catson.
MK: Do you pose for centerfolds?
BC: Phht. OF COURSE NOT. That would make me feel objectified ... and ... exploited!
EM: And who would want to see that? Heck, he lays on his back and lets it all hang out all the time. BELIEVE ME, no one would pay for that.
BC: But you will!
EM: You can't make me!
BC: No. But I can make you pay for the insult.
EM: Oh.
MK: Bear, you can't father kittens and Ellie, you can't be pregnant.
BC: Don't tell me what I can't do!
EM: YEAH!
MK: This might not be the best time for us to take a trip.
BC: Unless you want to be an accessory ...
The Boy: The cats ruin another ...
EM: I didn't ruin anything! It was Bear!
BC: Oh, right. Because you don't want to admit that YOU ruined it!
The Boy: Well, actually ... I know your Momma and I think she'd try to pet the ducks to the extent that she'd end up in jail. I can't take her anywhere!
MK: EXCUSE ME? 
The Boy: You can't be trusted around animals.
MK: I'm sorry for loving animals!
BC: Oh! This is getting good!

© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern]. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com.

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46 comments:

  1. Aww, you should go on that holiday—you'd be quackers not to!
    The Boy could always have Momma on one of those leads to reel her in case she went OTT and they called the security geese in to sort her out?
    Toodle pips and congratulations on the new job and holiday
    ERin

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  2. Concatulations on the new job! Enjoy that trip.

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  3. We have quite a few ducks over at our lake and geese too. I did get goosed once, it made me jump!

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  4. We're glad your dad got a new job, er maybe I mean a second job, as being Dad to you is first!

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  5. ConCatulations to your Dad! We're sure he still considers being your Dad his #1 job!

    The Florida Furkids

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  6. guyz...conga ratz two dad on hiz new job; we wish him all de best....
    N when him & mom go way two KNOT QUACK land......deer cod..... rememburr
    ...raiz de green flag for: itza go for partee time !! :) ♥♥

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    Replies
    1. You guys will be the first ones we'll call to party with!

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  7. Vacation sounds like fun! And I've been to the hotel that has ducks!

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  8. All of us here at the office are very happy for your dad. We have ducks here too behind our office. They are cute and love to swim. March featured center folds are just too funny. Thanks for the great post. Have a wonderful day.
    World of Animals

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  9. Congrats to the Boy on his new job. Definitely take that vacation while you can!

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  10. AMARULA: Oh Bear! I think you would make a wonderful centerfold!! I love the poster you made of me--it truly captures my mystery and the beauty that is my bouncy belly! Would love to see a close up of your belly big boy!! Meow!
    HUMAN: I laughed so hard!!! Love it! Now Amarula will be even more of a diva! Congrats to the boy on his new job!

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    Replies
    1. Now that my belly is covered with lush fur, you would like it. I used to overgroom and my lower belly was almost bare. Meeting you changed everything! ~Bear Cat

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  11. Viva La Torties magazine!!! MOL!!! I think Mudpie and I need to have a talk about her extracurricular activities while I'm at work. I hope she's at least earning a paycheck out of this gig ;)

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  12. Congrats to the boy on his new job. I think you should go on that holiday and see the ducks.

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    Replies
    1. I don't think it's going to work this time around. But thanks!

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  13. Congrats toThe Boy! And that Tortie mag...I'm surprised old pics of Admiral don't turn up in past issues. Bet they will in the Golden Issues. She was a FLIRT and a Lady who knew what she wanted...if you know what I mean. She never asked Mom about the pregnancy thing though. Could be she knew...

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  14. Oh my goodness! And we thought we were the only ones who couldn't take vacations because of the crazy animals and the crazy Mama! :)
    Jan, Wag 'n Woof Pets

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  15. Congrats to the boy on the new job. I hope you two are able to take a holiday.

    The tortie centerfolds are the best!

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  16. Hotel ducks?! That sounds like fun-I'm with your mom, I'd wanna make friends with them.

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  17. Congrats to the Boy. Yes, to vacations and hotel ducks! And LOL, that Ellie Mae didn't realize the boy was gone during the day.

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  18. Congrats to the Boy on his new job and you guys are so funny!

    Purrs xx
    Athena and Marie

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  19. Loved the squabbling between BC and EM. Good luck at your new job BOY.

    The pictures complete your story. Good going Katherine.

    Jean

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  20. All of you are hysterical. Mom enjoys laughing. Glad you aren't pregnant Em. Anyway, keep having some fun.

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  21. Oh Bear and Ellie we saw 4 Canada Geese on our walk in the great out of doors this morning. They were waddling in front of us on the sidewalk. I clap several times to get them to share the walk but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the honk at us and we ended up walking in the street
    Hugs cecilia

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  22. OMC Dick pettin'? Bear, Ellie, ya'll should ask your mommy to bring some of those ducks back fur dinner. MOL Altho', what would happen to ya'll while your mommy was gone? We think we'd wanna go and see the ducks fur ourselves. Big hugs

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

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    Replies
    1. Neither Bear nor I will eat duck! For real! ~Ellie Mae

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  23. Congrats to the boy! More money to buy you tasty whole chickens :)

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