Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Crimes and Misdemeanors, part 6

Two people ... and two cats. Somehow we can't avoid bumping into each other and perpetrating crimes exacerbated by proximity and amount of time spent together. This series is about those crimes and the reactions of the other members of the household.

EM: Ellie Mae Kat
BC: Bear Cat
MK: Momma Kat
The Boy: Momma's fiance

{Momma, The Boy, and Bear are all cuddled up on the couch, napping; Momma, The Boy and part of Bear is covered by the blanket}
EM: Ummm ...
{Ellie walks in a semi-circle around the lump of blanket}
EM: Ummm ... GUYS?
{Pause}
EM: Oh, no! This is horrible! They're DEAD! What am I going to do for food? How am I going to get tuna? {GASP} And whose lap am I going to lay on? I can't be lap-less! That would be the worst! If it were just Daddy ... I could handle that. But no Momma? THAT'S A DISASTER!
{Pause}
EM: I should call for help, but I don't know the number for 911. CPR? I see them. How do I PR them?

{Pause}
EM: THIS ISN'T WORKING! Only Momma's and Daddy's heads are hanging out of the monster's mouth! The rest of them are in the evil monster! THEIR LAPS ARE GONE! GONE!  The very best parts of people ... are GONE! I KNEW Bear was telling the truth! There's a big bad wolf! And he ATE my people! Err ... well, most of them. Who's going to admire my pretty tail? Who's going to call me Baby Girl?
{Pause}
EM: {whispering} And who knows how many other monsters are hiding around here? But ... but ... who's going to protect me and keep me from being eaten? I know there are hungry monsters just waiting to pounce!
{Pause}
EM: What am I going to do? Maybe I'll try to give Bear mouth-to-mouth ...
BC: Don't even THINK about it! Not even if I'm dead.
EM: BEAR? You're ALIVE?
BC: OBVIOUSLY.
EM: You could've come back as an angel ... are you talking to me from the beyond?
BC: ANGEL?!? Hardly.
EM: You mean because you misbehave and could never be virtuous enough to wear a halo?
BC: NO! I'm alive. Because I'm TALKING TO YOU.
{The lump of blanket moves as The Boy growls in his sleep} 
EM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's alive! It ate most of my people and Bear and now it's after me too! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
{Pause}
EM: Now that I'm safe under the bed, I'm NEVER coming out! NEVER.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Promise?
EM: {from under the bed in the bedroom} Err ... I AM hungry.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Is your entire back half hanging out from under the bed?
EM: {from under the bed} Err ... NO! {Looking at her bottom half from under the bed} NUTS!

BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I'll take that as a yes. You'd fit under there if you didn't eat so much every time you're hungry.
EM: {from under the bed} Umm ... speaking of being hungry ... I'm hungry.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} So's the monster.
EM: {from under the bed} Can you bring me food?
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I can't! I'm half in the monster's mouth!
EM: {from under the bed} That's not very nice! You should tell the monster what for!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} It's too late for me.
EM: {from under the bed} You could just give the monster gas and indigestion. You're good at causing them. Though not from the inside ...
{Pause}
EM: {from under the bed} You're right ...
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} OBVIOUSLY!
EM: {from under the bed} ... I'm not THAT hungry. I'm good. Here. Under the bed. Don't tell the monster where I am.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} You just TOLD the monster where you are!
EM: {from under the bed} WHAT?!? He speaks ENGLISH? You said monsters only speak monster!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I'm being eaten by a bi-lingual monster with big teeth and all you can talk about are his language skills?
EM: {from under the bed} I wish I had an anti-monster remote.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} That's why I'm here ... I'm the monster slayer.
EM: {from under the bed} The only thing I've seen you slay is the facial tissue box.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} {AHEM!} And ...
EM: {from under the bed} THE PHONE BOOK!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} I DID NOT ...

{Pause}
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Err ... Huh. I did do that. Why is it that everyone else remembers what I've done more than I do!?! I could write a BOOK!
EM:{from under the bed} You'd probably attack that too.
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} No. I'd throw it at you.
EM: {from under the bed} If you're the monster slayer why are you half eaten?
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} Occupational hazard. I risk my life ... to save mankind. It's not an easy job ... but some tough guy has to do it!
EM: WHOA!
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} A paw here ... an ear there ... I bet you could lose a ton of weight.
EM: {from under the bed} Fighting monsters?
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} NO! LOSING body parts to monsters.
EM: {from under the bed} Err ... no thanks. Then again, if I had your string of a tail, I guess I wouldn't be upset to lose it. I'll just stay here under the ...
BC: {from the cuddle pile in the family room} My string ... HMPH! Scary monster, SMELLIE'S UNDER THE BED!
EM: {from under the bed} HEY!
MK: That was a nice nap with my boys. Now it's time to go back to work.
EM: MOMMA?!?! How can you work at a time like this?!
{Pause as Ellie sees feet}
EM: {whispering from under the bed} OH NO! It found me! It's going to eat me!
{A face appears ...}
EM: {racing out from under the bed} AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's got me! It's got me! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! It's got big teeth ... and that sarcastic smile ...
BC: We can't help you ... we're eaten too!
EM: Oh, no! Oh ... {THUNK!}
MK: Ow! You ran right into my leg!
{Pause}
EM: My life is OVER! I should say my prayers! Lights out for Ellie Mae! Hmmm ... what if I pray to be delivered from this huge monster?
MK: Ellie?
EM: Momma? You're the huge monster?

MK: What? 
EM: How did you escape?
MK: Escape what? Daddy, Bear and I were cuddling and napping on the couch.
EM: AND I WASN'T INVITED?
MK: Umm ... YEAH, you were. You said you didn't trust the blanket not to eat you.
EM: Oh. That was a dirty trick you played on me! I'm very very mad at you!
MK: It wasn't a trick.
EM: So you really were eaten by a monster? Is Bear gone?
MK: Gone where?
EM: THE MONSTER!!!
MK: Ellie, there is no monster!  
EM: But Bear said ...
{Pause}
EM: So you mean Bear's still here?
MK: Yep.
EM: Ah, man! I was THISCLOSE to being an only ...
BC: I hear you!
EM: HA! You're in the jaws of the monster! You can't hurt ...
MK: Ellie, there is no monster!
EM: Err ...
{Pause as Ellie sees Bear}
EM: Hi, Bear.
BC: I think we have some things to discuss. String of a tail? Wishing to be an only child?
EM: BYE!
{Ellie runs back under the bed}
EM: I'm never coming out! I mean it this time!
BC: Yeah. Whatever. Like you won't come out for food. I'll get my monster friends to keep an eye out for you.
EM: OH, NO! I'm sorry, Bear! I didn't mean to insult you ...
{Pause}
EM: Err ... okay, I DID mean to insult you, but I didn't mean the insult.
{Pause}
EM: Err ... I meant the insult ...
BC: Just shut up. You're even worse than The Boy when he digs himself a hole.
EM: So you're not going to sic the monsters on me?
{Pause}
EM: Bear? Bear!?!? BEAR!!!!!!! WHERE DID YOU GO?!?! Are the monsters waiting for me? Are they going to eat me?
MK: {at her desk in the family room} Hi, Bear.
BC: What are you doing?

MK: Err ... WORKING?
BC: One of those poor chumps that has to work ...
MK: Our posts are on a different website word-for-word! And they're being real jerks about taking them  down! First, they had us listed as an author on their website ... then when I complained, they changed the author of our work to someone else.
BC: Eh.
MK: Someone stole our content! And put her name on it!
EM: {out from under the bed} Content? Is that like pork?

BC: The blog is about me anyway! You're not a necessity! I'm the star! Am I still the star of the posts?
MK: Err ... I guess.
BC: See?
MK: Here. Look!
BC: {AHEM}.
MK: What?
BC: You're in my chair!
MK: Good grief. I have to get something to drink anyway. Don't get comfortable!
BC: It's five o'clock somewhere in the world ...
{Pause}
BC: {looking at the computer screen} Who's that handsome cat with the stripe-y pants? Oh. Yeah. It's me.

MK: {walking back into the room} I wasn't asking you to comment on your handsomeness.
BC: Tough crowd tonight.
MK: Move.
BC: No, thanks.
MK: Bear, I have to get back to work. And YOUR blog.
BC: That has a nice ring to it.
{Bear stays put}
BC: You. Work. MY blog. I should probably supervise.
{Pause}
BC: {noticing Momma's staring at him} WHAT?!?
MK: I need my chair so I can issue the takedown request!
BC: Phht. For cats, a swipe of the paw ... the bite ... all the takedown one needs.
MK: Sure. I'll send YOU to the offending website's host.
BC: Err ...

{Pause}
BC: {jumping down from the chair} I'll just let you handle it. Though I still don't understand what the big deal is!
MK: Bear, it's like if you barfed with perfect aim and perfectly formed and Ellie put her name on it.
BC: Phht. No one would believe that. 
MK: But it's not cool for someone else to steal your work, right?
BC: Phht. I don't work.
EM: Momma, are you comparing your work to barf?
{Bear snickers}
MK: Okay! It's like if Ellie scratched her scratcher really well and Bear took credit for the handiwork.
BC: Phht. It's a good thing I don't use the scratcher. It wouldn't even see me coming! Not the least because Smellie's the size of a ticked off hippo on steroids. I'd destroy that mother-meower in under ten seconds. But scratchers are for chumps that are scared of the furniture.
MK: ANYWAY. I'm going to start embedding text in our posts indicating they're our posts. I think if I put it in the post itself, it might get through someone just copying feeds. From now on, I'm going to include this in all our posts:
"© 2019 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat. No part of my post may be used without my written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact mommakatandherbearcat@gmail.com."
{Bear fake snores}
MK: I just have to do one more ...
{Pause}
MK: TADA! Now to include a watermark on our pictures ...
{Pause as Momma works}
MK: FINISHED! Bear? Ellie? Where did everyone go?
The Boy: LOOK! Our cat tree is in bloom!

BC: What are you looking at?
EM: WHAT?!?! Is the monster behind me?
MK: {mumbling to herself} Welcome to the Momma Kat household.

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41 comments:

  1. Ya really do gotta keep an eye out for those monsters, especially the stealing kind!

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  2. Ellie, they all certainly gave you a fright! That other site had better mind it's p's and q's!

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  3. Did Ellie notice that Bear was snuggled up with the monster? Buddy can tell you that there really are monsters that come into the house from time to time. What is this about your content thief? How did you find out?

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    Replies
    1. We found out from another blogger who's content was stolen. The extent of the copying was ridiculous. Hopefully the site is down for good.

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  4. guyz.....we iz crackin UP at yur pork N strippee pantz fotoz thiz week !!!! 984 paws UP !! :) ♥♥♥ we gotta come bak later N reed de full storee { we iz bee hind two day ~~~~~ ☺☺☺♥♥♥

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  5. Blankets can be very scary, Ellie. You can't be too careful. Kudos to your mom for being so diligent and helping to take that site down!!!

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    Replies
    1. Momma went postal on their rears! It was ALMOST as scary as this monster!

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  6. It seems endemic! So many of our CB kitties and woofies are posting about this. Their's and other blog thieves. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Mine is so small and general and only about how dear Katie is that I have no fears anyone would steal it.
    XXX

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    Replies
    1. You might be surprised. I always thought the same thing.

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  7. Your mom did an amazing job getting that site taken down! She should be very proud of herself even though I'm sure it made her blood pressure skyrocket. Ellie, you may have nightmares about that cuddle pile...

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    Replies
    1. Momma went postal on their rears! It was ALMOST as scary as this monster!

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  8. haha...a great post and so entertaining. You have a knack for seeing things as a cat would.

    Have you had a problem with someone using your post?

    Jean

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    Replies
    1. We did last week. The site is down now - hopefully for good. We're glad we brought a smile to your face - I'm pretty sure my immaturity is to blame for seeing things as a cat would.

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  9. Oh Ellie, don't be afraid of monsters. I promise they won't bother you. And great job to your mom, smacking down those thieves.

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    Replies
    1. I just don't understand what causes people to copy others' content except if they have no talent of their own. I even offered to write for them!

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  10. Ellie, Annie has no doubt that there are monsters and it’s wise to always be on watch. Bear, you are so funny. Sounds like your momma is the true monster slayer!

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  11. Well, maybe it's just a case of better the human eating monster you know MOL ;) Maybe you could schedule different family members to get eaten at different times?
    Purrs
    ERin
    PS
    GREAT post X

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  12. We love blankets, but may never look at one without suspicion ever again.

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  13. AMARULA: i can't believe someone can so blatantly steal all your blog content -- Bear you should have your brains copyrighted!!

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  14. Oh man, the stealing part is not cool. Even is duplication is the nicest form of flattery. Obviously you guys are very famous in the blog world. How in the world did you discover your stuff was being stolen? Keep up the great copyright work. 🤩

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    Replies
    1. There's a cats with blogs Facebook group - it's nice because one person can alert the others as happened here. I know dog content was included - and I know one of our members posted it in a pet blogger support group {https://www.facebook.com/groups/petbloggersupport if you want to join}. It's impossible to monitor everything one's self - so groups like this are nice to get the word out when there's a problem.

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  15. We're not happy with those content stealers, either. Our mom wrote them a very short, terse message, but you know the whole story. We all work very hard on our content and we deserve the credit. P.s. Ellie, hide under the bed. The monsters don't go there.

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    Replies
    1. My Momma didn't hold anything back after the first couple volleys - after she realized the mindset of the people behind it. She said EXACTLY what she thought and it wasn't pretty. On the plus side ... I have some new words for my naughty words list! ~Bear Cat

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  16. oHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT A FUN POST BUT OMCS that last photo of you 2 on your cat trees is wonderful
    Hugs Cecilia

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    Replies
    1. It was actually Momma that came up with the cat tree in bloom comment!

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  17. Sorry you had such a fright. Monsters are scary.

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  18. That is so very rude that someone has been stealing your content! I say let Bear give 'em a big old bite and whap! There's always some human out in the world that wants to get credit for something they didn't do. Ellie, maybe you can convince the monster to go after the blog burglar and to leave you and your family alone. Hugs.

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    Replies
    1. Bear should barf on the thieves instead of my scratcher! ~Ellie Mae

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