The pain button

Momma resists Bear's charms and Bear's so desperate for loves that he resorts to letting The Boy pet him! Between Ellie getting involved and Bear's overlapping schemes, no one is getting any sleep. The Boy finally has enough abuse and leaves Momma and the cats to do their thing. 

BC: Bear Cat Kat 
MK: Momma Kat 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

{Momma and The Boy are sleeping in bed ... as Bear stares at Momma}
The Boy: {waking up and seeing Bear} AH! BEAR!
MK: Wha? Where is he? {Jumping up from bed} What's wrong with him? 
BC: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you! It's about time you woke up! I've been staring at you for three hours!
MK: {looking at the clock and laying back down} I got up fifteen minutes ago to go to the bathroom. You weren't here.
BC: Do you want a cookie? I went to the bathroom thirty-six minutes ago.
MK: WHAT?
BC: You shared a meaningless piece of information with me ... so I shared the same with you.
MK: It wasn't meaningless! You claimed you'd been here staring at me for three hours! If you weren't here when I woke up or got back in bed, that can't be true!
BC: Your remembrance of events is meaningless. I stared at you for three hours in cat time. People time is irrelevant.
MK: I don't operate in cat time!
BC: Well, THAT'S obvious! Otherwise, you wouldn't have made me wait eighty-three hours for my wet food treat!
MK: You can't just pull random numbers out of your butt and claim you've been waiting for that long!
BC: What I can and can't pull out of my butt isn't your concern.
The Boy: Can you two keep it down?
BC: CAN we or WILL we?
The Boy: At this point, I don't care! Just DO it!
BC: Our "conversation" couldn't possibly be any louder than Momma's snoring.
MK: HEY!
The Boy: You have a point. Talk as long as you want.
MK: {THWACK!}
The Boy: What?!? That hurt!
BC: {AHEM}.
The Boy: WHAT?!?!
BC: Not YOU! HER!

MK: I'm ignoring you.
The Boy: Uh oh.
BC: Momma!
{Pause}
BC: MOMMA!
{Pause}
BC: M!!O!!M!!M!!A!!!!!!
The Boy: And I thought he couldn't get more annoying.
MK: Do you know him?
BC: Momma!! PET ME!!
MK: No.
BC: PET ME!!!!!
MK: I'm not falling for that again!
BC: My ears are lonely! My chin is lonely!!! My BELLY is lonely!!!
MK: And I'm still bleeding from the last time you were "lonely."
BC: How about if I show you my belly? {TADA!}
MK: How stupid do I look?
BC: Now or usually?
MK: Never mind.
BC: MOMMA! {WHACK!}
{Pause}
BC: MOMMA!!!! {WHACK!!!}
MK: OWWW! Stop whacky-pawing me and then scratching my face! Remind me ... it's time to clip your claws.
BC: I'll be sure to do that ... AFTER I remind you to test my blood sugar, give me an insulin shot, shove medicine down my throat, and brush my teeth. 
MK: You're high maintenance.
The Boy: Pot ... kettle. Hahahahahaha.
MK: {THWACK!}
The Boy: OWWWWWW!
BC: Violence isn't the answer, Momma.

MK: SAYS THE CAT THAT IS THE SOLE REASON MY ARMS ARE COVERED IN BITE MARKS!!!
The Boy: You look like you fought a flotilla of rose bushes and then swam through barbed wire fence!
BC: To be fair ... you DO insist on brushing my teeth.
MK: SO YOU CAN EAT! NOT SO YOU CAN BITE ME!
BC: Tow-may-toe, tow-mah-toe.
MK: It's pronounced JERK either way.
BC: Why is it that I never have to wait for you to test my blood sugar, give me an insulin shot, shove medicine down my throat, and brush my teeth?
MK: {sigh}.
BC: You're still not petting me.
MK: UGH! Can't I sleep?
BC: After you pet me. 
MK: And you won't bite me?
BC: I guess you'll see ... after you pet me.
MK: No, thanks.
BC: Fine. HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, Daddy!
The Boy: {looking around to see if Bear is talking to someone else} Ummm ... 
BC: Want to see my belly? {TADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}
The Boy: Erm ... it IS tempting ...
BC: I can climb on your ...
MK: OH NO!
The Boy: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
BC: Oh! This one has a pain button!
The Boy: That's where the incision from my surgery is!
BC: So if I ...
The Boy: OWWW!
BC: OH! This is ...
The Boy: OWWWWW!
BC: If you tell me where Momma's pain button is ...

The Boy: OWWWWWW! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! SHE'S TOO STUBBORN TO FEEL PAIN!
MK: {THWACK!}
The Boy: OWWWWW! Isn't it bad enough that this one is pushing on my incision site? But YOU have to hit me too?
BC: RATS! It just figures ... the one who is mean to me doesn't have a pain button.
{Pause}
BC: {to The Boy} Pet me?
The Boy: Err ...
{Pause}
The Boy: OWWW!
BC: COOL! 
The Boy: Fine! Fine! I'll pet you!
{The Boy pets Bear and Bear purrs over The Boy's incision}
The Boy: Oh, that's nice!
EM: {from the other room} Where is everyone? Hello?! HEEEEEEELLLLLLOOO?!?!
BC: Can I interest you in a cat belly? {TADA!!!!!!!!!!!!}.
The Boy: Okay ...
{Bear lays on The Boy's belly and purrs}
The Boy: Better than any doctor!
EM: {from the other room} WHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE ARRRRRRRE MYYYY PEEEEOPLE?!?!
MK: Or nurse?
The Boy: Yeaaaahh!
MK: GREAT! He can make your lunch for tomorrow!
BC: BYE!
The Boy: HEY! Wait! I only got to pet your belly one ...
BC: You're welcome! Gotta go!
MK: {THWACK!}
The Boy: OWWWWWW! WHAT?!?! I appreciate your taking care of me, but kitty belly and furry purry ...
EM: {from the other room} WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING ME?!?!?! I'M ALL ALONE!!! I'VE BEEN ABANDONED! I'LL NEVER HAVE A LAP AGAIN! OR A FOOD BOWL!

{Pause}
EM: Never mind. PHEW! My food bowl is still here!!!
The Boy: I guess she has priorities.
BC: Smellie.
EM: BEAR! I thought you disappeared!
{Pause}
EM: Darn!
BC: Ha. Ha. I was managing our people. It's a hard job. But some cat has to do it!
EM: I manage our people!
BC: Phht. By dancing for them and sticking your tail in their faces?
EM: They tell me what a pretty girl I am!!!
BC: They lie.
EM: They do?
BC: Phht. If you have to ask.
EM: Where are they?! I'm going to give them a piece of my mind!
BC: Bedroom. Don't spend it all in one place.
EM: MOMMA! DADDY! I'm REALLY mad at you!
The Boy: The fun never ends ...
MK: In our bed! 
The Boy: Hahahaha. We certainly don't sleep.
MK: Not from lack of trying!
EM: You tell me I'm pretty!
The Boy: You are!
EM: But ...
MK: BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BC: {from the other room} I DIDN'T DO IT!
MK: YES! You did!
The Boy: What?
EM: Bear said ...

The Boy: Ah. Don't listen to Bear.
EM: Really?
The Boy: Yeah. He doesn't know anything.
EM: But he said you and Momma lie! Who do I ...
{Pause as Ellie listens ...}
EM: Erm ... BEAR! I HEAR YOU CRUNCHING!
The Boy: Now what?
EM: Bear told me a lie so I'd abandon the food bowl and come in here and yell at you and Momma so he could eat all our food! And you say he doesn't know anything! You lie too!
The Boy: Somehow the pain button was less painful.
BC: HIIII! Can I interest either of you in furry purry warmth?
MK: How much does it cost?
BC: It depends.
The Boy: On what?
BC: For Momma, it's free. You have to pay.
The Boy: WHAT?
MK: Come here, Bug.
The Boy: You're giving him what he wants?
BC: She's smart like that.
The Boy: But ...
{Pause}
The Boy: Wait a minute ... you sent Ellie in here all mad at us because you'd look good by comparison!
EM: What? Bear's not a pretty girl!

BC: Look who's talking!
The Boy: Not looking good LITERALLY! Figura ...
{Pause}
The Boy: OWWWWWWWWWW!
BC: Thank goodness for the pain button.
The Boy: You're PETTING HIM while he's being mean to me?
BC: I AM purring. Momma, what about my belly?
The Boy: You enable him!
BC: I take offense. I don't need anyone to enable me!
EM: Bear's right.
The Boy: {sigh} I know.
BC: I'm the man of the house.
EM: Bear's right.
The Boy: THANK YOU, ELLIE! I didn't know that!
EM: Then Bear's even smarter than I thought.
The Boy: WHAT?!
EM: Well, if you didn't know Bear runs this house ...
The Boy: I was being sarcastic!
EM: Err ... is that contagious?
The Boy: {looking at Momma and Bear having a moment} Probably.
EM: BYE!
The Boy: HEY! Wait?! Don't I get a cat?
{Pause}
The Boy: HELLLLLLLOO!?! Where are my cats?!?!
EM: Cuddling with our Momma.
BC: On separate sides of her body of course.
The Boy: Great. 
BC: I love you, Momma!
MK: I love you, too, Bug.
EM: Do you love me too, Momma?
MK: Absolutely!
BC: But not as much as me, right?
The Boy: I want a cat of my own!
BC: Phht. That's your first problem. People don't own us. We own them.
EM: Bear's right.
The Boy: STOP SAYING THAT!
EM: Sheesh! He's touchy!
The Boy: FINE! I can't win!
EM: You're right.
The Boy: {getting up from the bed} I'll leave you three alone!
BC: It's about time!
EM: Bear's right.
The Boy: Oh, shut up!

© 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern. 
All text, pictures, images, and other content are original and copyright by Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat [K. Kern], 2015-2020. No content on Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat may be used without the owner's [K. Kern] written permission. If you see this post posted on a site that isn't Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat, please contact cats@mommakatandherbearcat.com. 

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35 comments

  1. Ohhh the Trials and Tribulations of Tuesday had it all, handsome leading man, lovely leading lady, action,
    drama and just the right mix of honey and vinegar
    Hugs cecilia

    ReplyDelete
  2. It doesn't sound like the social distancing thing is working out too well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Us cats only social distance from humans when we are mad at them. Just saying. ~Bear Cat

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  3. "I stared at you for three hours in cat time. People time is irrelevant."
    A truer cat statement was never made!
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have the pulse of the cat world. And not just because my paw is pushing on Smellie's throat. ~Bear Cat

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  4. Never a dull moment at your house.

    The Florida Furkids

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  5. The Boy is never going to win, is he. Ellie Mae, you are so fickle!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Replies
    1. We're gifting The Boy to you. Loneliness is a horrible thing. ~Bear Cat

      Delete
  7. Bear, what a whiner that sisfur of your's is. How do you put up? Ha ha! Your mother whines too. Poor BC.

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  8. Are you guys are filming a situation comedy? Starring Bear, of course.

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    Replies
    1. Let me tell you ... my Momma is NEVER amused! She has the audacity to get mad at me! HMPH. My efforts are wasted on her! ~Bear Cat

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  9. AMARULA: No part of you should ever be lonely Bear! And you --as usual--speak the truth! People don't own us. We own them.

    ReplyDelete
  10. That Bear has always got a clever answer. He cracks me up!

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    Replies
    1. Let me tell you ... my Momma is NEVER amused! She has the audacity to get mad at me! HMPH. My efforts are wasted on her! ~Bear Cat

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  11. You had to stare at her for three hours? Well, Momma Kat better make up for it with a tasty chicken, that's for sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm lucky I survived! I hear stories of cats who stared at her in the past and turned to stone! That means I deserve hazard pay! ~Bear Cat

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  12. Yup...pet time is sooooo different from people time. *sigh* 3 hours indeed! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Puts a whole new spin on the, "But I haven't eaten anything for six days!" argument ;)

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  13. You actually made us feel bad for The Boy! We think he might need his own cat! :)

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    Replies
    1. SHHHHHHHHHHHHH! He's just as likely to choose a dog instead! Can you imagine ... a dog? AND Smellie? ~Bear Cat

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  14. I have to admit that I can see an opening for another cat in the household, maybe another two. Or maybe the boy should get a understudy and stunt double? OK, doing the maths that would mean four humans, so another four cats would be needed, plus another closet. Heck, just think of the fun the cats could have! ;)
    Purrs
    ERin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, TECHNICALLY, Smellie counts for TWO cats since she weighs double what she weighed when she was adopted! Then again, I weigh THREE times ... but I was a kitten and that's different! ~Bear Cat

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  15. Don't listen to him, Ellie. You are a very pretty girl! There's no lying about that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmph. Bear's just jealous because he's not pretty and he's not a girl! ~Ellie Mae

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  16. Bear, can you please give me a lesson in cat time. By the way, did you know it is tortie appreciation day today- I know you appreciate them every day :) XO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I even came up with a tortie appreciation poem and my Momma completely blew through the day and forgot about it! My inner poet will not be denied ... that poem will be made public eventually! ~Bear Cat
      ps - Happen to know any humans who can be trusted not to miss Tortie Appreciation Day?

      Delete
  17. We kinda feel sorry for The Boy. He just had surgery and all, so you should be nice to him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bear just said "Be.....nice? To HIM? Why? He only gives me chicken once in a while and it has been months since I got cheez-its, you know. Then again, maybe if I'm nice, he will give me more of that stuff. Hmm.....naaaah."

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    2. And he has to put up with my Momma! Don't underestimate that pain! ~Bear Cat

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