World war X: Bear style

History Nonsense class is in session and Bear is the teacher. How creative is his version of historic nonsense events? And how many countries can he manage to disparage in a short conversation lesson? If you guess he'll deprecate anything less than whole continents, oh, ye of little faith!

BC: Bear Cat Kat [handsome tabby cat] 
EM: Ellie Mae Kat [black, gorgeously floofy cat] 
MK: Momma Kat [Bear and Ellie's human Momma, named Kat] 
The Boy: Momma's fiance 

BC: When will all the loud noises stop outside? I woke up from a perfectly wonderful nap dreaming about torties and crab cakes! 
MK: Fireworks.
BC: Don't those idiots know the invasion was weeks ago?
EM: We're being invaded? Are they aliens? Are they going to eat us?
EM: Are we being invaded by zombies? They might eat our brains! I read yesterday that zombies eat brains!
BC: You can't read.
EM: Err ... yes, I can!
BC: Oh, yeah? Where did you "read" that zombies eat brains?
EM: Well, I heard it on a television commercial ... that's the same thing, right?
BC: Hardly.
EM: So we're being invaded by zombies who might eat our brains?
BC: You never know about those Canadians. But it's safe to say that if they're after brains, you should be safe.
EM: Oh, phew!
EM: Wait. Why? And who are the Canadians?
BC: The Canadians! From Canadia!
EM: Canadia? Where is that?
MK: South of ... IT DOESN'T EXIST!
EM: I think the Canadians would disagree!
MK: Canadians are from CANADA!
BC: Shows what YOU know. Germans are from Germa, Norwegians are from Norwegia. Australians are from Australia ...
MK: You finally got one right!
BC: ... Mexicans are from Mexica ...
EM: Americans are from America!

BC: Africans are from Africa ...
MK: Africa isn't a country.
EM: SHHH! Next thing you know, AFRICA will invade us. I mean, you say Canadia isn't a country and they invade ... it makes sense that Africa would invade if you say they aren't a country either!
MK: That's not why Canada is invading us!
EM: Then why are they invading us?
MK: They aren't!
EM: But you just said they are invading, but our affront to their sovereignty is not why.
BC: Well, DUH. Not until next July Fourth.
EM: We must be ready!
MK: Ellie, the Canadians don't invade us.
BC: Phht. Then what's all that loud noise for the week before and the weeks after July Fourth?
MK: We celebrate our independence!
BC: From Canadia!
MK: Noooo ...
{Momma sighs}
MK: Never mind.
MK: Wait. Ellie? Affront? Sovereignty? Where are you learning these fancy pants words?
BC: 'Word power for cats!'
EM: Bear let me borrow his copy! "When claws and fangs aren't enough ... shred your humans to impotent, lifeless spatter with 'Word power for cats!'"
MK: I'm sorry I asked.
BC: The good Usah! Those Canadians get mad and try to invade every year on the anniversary of us declaring our independence from them!
MK: Just when I thought the average intelligence in this house was finally out of the basement ...
EM: But this is WEEKS past the Fourth!
BC: OBVIOUSLY. The Canadians are so poorly disciplined, they can't even attack all at the same time. No wonder their geese are so obnoxious and unruly.
EM: Do they bring the geese with them?
BC: I'd think it would be the perfect distraction! Have you noticed the Canadian Geese show up here during spring in preparation for the invasion on the Fourth?
MK: I can't listen to any more of this.
EM: More of what?
BC: Phht. Momma's not a patriot of the good Usah.
MK: I'm going to regret asking this ... but the what?
BC: You pretend to not know what I'm talking about! Like you don't know the name of our country!

MK: And how do you spell that?
BC: U. S. A.
MK: And how do you pronounce that?
EM: Wait, if we live in Usah, why are we called Americans? Wouldn't we be called Usans?
MK: U. S. A. is an abbreviation.
EM: For what?
MK: The United States Of America.
EM: The USA appreciates The United States Of America?
MK: I said "abbreviation" not "appreciation!"
EM: Wait, what?
BC: All I know if that if the Canadians ever successfully invade, they'll force hockey on us.
MK: HEY! I love hockey!
BC: A sleeper agent! No wonder she denies knowledge of Canadia!
EM: You should be ashamed, Momma.
BC: AHA! That's why Momma and The Boy go to the park across the street and spend time with the Canadian Geese! They claim the goslings are just SOOO cute ... but that's a cover story! They are sending coded messages back to Canadia!
MK: WHAT?! If I want to send coded messages, I can do that online.
EM: She admits it!
MK: So what, I like hockey and I like Canadian Geese, so I'm Canadian?
BC: That didn't sound like a question, Momma.
MK: I went to several hockey games in high school - and I played hockey several times with roller blades, a hockey stick, and a ball.
BC: She admits it!
MK: What? Lots of people love hockey here! 
BC: Yeah. Because if my Momma loves it, that's a ringing endorsement!
MK: The Russians love hockey. The Nordic countries love hockey.
BC: Oh, well, now I'm sold. The RUSSIANS love hockey!
MK: What do you have against the Russians?
BC: Their national salad dressing sucks. Russian dressing isn't as bad as French dressing, but still. At least the Russians don't make nasty toast.
EM: What?

BC: FRENCH toast! Talk about yucky!
MK: But you eat French Fries.
BC: And if you want to truly RUIN a cake, make German Chocolate Cake.
MK: I'm sorry, when have you eaten ANY of these items?
BC: I haven't! You don't need to eat something to know it tastes bad.
EM: That's what Bear says about your cooking too!
BC: Err ... oops?
MK: Can this conversation get any more ridiculous?
EM: We ARE talking to Bear ...
BC: Besides, never trust a country that doesn't have Target.
MK: What do you know about Target?
BC: They have all the cool cat scratchers and stuff ... that SOMEONE is too cheap to buy.
EM: Scratchers?! Who wouldn't buy me new scratchers? Who's this someone?! I'm going to give him or her a piece of my mind!
BC: The SOMEONE sitting over there.
EM: Momma's the only person sitting over there.
BC: On second thought, save that last piece of your mind, you need it.
MK: By the way, Mr. Know-it-all, Target DID have stores in Canada years ago - it didn't work out.
EM: Is Mr. Know-it-all the SOMEONE who wouldn't buy me new scratchers?
BC: Phht. OBVIOUSLY. How many times do you walk into Target and see igloo furnishings? Or penguin food?
MK: I don't even know where to start ...
EM: Penguins?
MK: Ellie, don't listen to Bear!
EM: Igloo furnishings?
BC: Phht ...
MK: Here we go!
BC: Canadians live in igloos.
EM: Those big rectangle coolers with a handle?
MK: That's the brand of the cooler - not what an igloo is.
BC: Momma should know - she IS Canadian.
MK: That's it. I'm out of this conversation.
BC: Momma! Tell Smellie about the penguins!
EM: OH! I'd love to make friends with some penguins.

MK: Penguins don't live in Canada.
BC: Because they live in Canadia. DUH!
MK: Bear, penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere.
BC: So, like in Florida? 
EM: Are Canadians like really short? Because how do they fit in those small rectangles smaller than a refrigerator?
BC: All I know if that if the Canadians ever successfully invade, they'll force their sub-par Canadian Bacon on us.
MK: Oh, brother. Here we go.
EM: What's the difference between Canadian Bacon and American Bacon?
BC: Phht. Canadian Bacon comes from Canadian pigs. 
EM: OH! Like there are Canadian Geese! Wait ... why is Canadian Bacon sub-par? Doesn't it taste the same?
BC: No. It's Canadia! EVERYTHING is sub-par!
MK: BEAR CAT KAT!!!!! We have Canadian readers!
BC: You don't think they know the truth? Why else would they choose to invade every year?
MK: BEAR! Amarula, from Hairballs and Hissyfits, is Canadian!
BC: No, she's not.
MK: YES, she IS! It says so on her blog!
BC: I don't read the articles! I look at the pictures!

MK: LOOK! "Three Canadian cats and their adventures!"
BC: No way! A fine tortie like Amarula is Usah-made!
EM: Is there pie in Canadia?
BC: Then Amarula can't be Canadian!
MK: Amarula is from CANADA! Amarula LIVES in Canada!
BC: She's being held against her will! We must free her from the oppression of Canadia!
EM: Yeah! She should have the right to Bear arms too! We'll have to break her out of her igloo.
MK: Ask for more ridiculous .... and you shall receive. Ellie, the right to bear arms has nothing to do with Bear's arms.
EM: But Bear said ...
MK: Bear SAID? Bear says A LOT! And NONE of it is true! NONE! There is no Canadia! Russian dressing isn't from Russia! Germans aren't from Germa! Canadians don't live in igloos and they don't have pet penguins!
BC: Hmm ... I wonder if there are any tasty whole penguins ... and if there are ... do they taste like chicken?
EM: But the Canadians do invade us every year?
MK: Ellie, don't listen to ANYTHING Bear says! I can't reason with either of you! You're both nuts and aren't making any sense!
EM: Daddy says that about you all the time.
MK: Excuse me?
EM: Well, Daddy says that you're crazy and you don't make sense.
MK: Bear?
EM: Why are you asking him? You said yourself that none of what he says is true.
EM: Momma?
EM: Where did she go?
BC: Maybe she's in the igloo she just brought home.
EM: {GASP!} You're right! She's a traitor!
EM: But how does she fit?

© 2020 Momma Kat and Her Bear Cat - Published by K. Kern.
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  1. Good job Bear! I'm pretty sure that's what they are teaching in schools these days!

    1. It's always depressing when you hear about those studies asking college students questions about American history - and no one can answer them correctly! We're lucky to find someone who knows how many Senators we have!

  2. Bear, I am sure the Amarula agrees with you that she's oppressed, but it's not her country that doing it; it's those two rascally cats who co-habitat with her!

    1. Not to mention oppression by humanity! Humanity oppresses us cats who yearn for world domination! ~Bear Cat

  3. Bear you might should apply for a teaching job at the newly Formed Virtually Academy for this school year.
    Hugs Cecilia

    1. I think I should found my own college to propagate my extensive knowledge of current events. ~Bear Cat

  4. This made me laugh so much! I hope Amarula can be freed from the oppression of Canadia! Bear, I'm from Englandia. I think you threw us Englandians out of Usah in the 18th Century - but we keep coming back to visit. You don't get rid of us that easily!

    Not So Sweet Toffee

    1. As far as we're concerned, you're always welcome ... but no taxation without representation! Then again, we have taxation WITH representation now (IF you can call it that) and it's not so grand either!

  5. AMARULA: Yes Bear! You are right!! I am being held here in Canadia against my will! Come rescue me! These crazy hockey playing, bacon loving Canadians are driving me crazy!! And you are totally right that our geese are so obnoxious and unruly.
    ZULU: obnoxious and unruly!! Just like Amarula!
    AMARULA: Shut up Zulu!
    ZULU: I want to know where I can buy one of those igloos Bear mentioned so I don't have to live with your anymore!
    FRODO: I want to make friends with those penguins they keep talking about!
    HUMAN: Could not stop laughing! Tell Bear he can visit Canadia any time!

    1. Why aren't we surprised about Frodo and the penguins?! However, Zulu, if you don't want to live with Amarula anymore, we'd gladly love her to no end!

  6. After totally confusing me, I have to agree with you about Canadian bacon......but I don't like Usah bacon either. You can't beat a nice tasty back rasher of English bacon.

  7. OMC you guys have me cracking up! Bear, I hate to tell you this but Mudpie and I have lots of extended family from Canada...err, Canadia...

    1. Erm ... you can't choose your family, right? Believe me, next time I need to be adopted, I'm going to make potential adopters fill out an in-depth application so I can screen for less-desirables (like my Momma). ~Bear Cat

  8. Bear I have friends from Canadia, and Englandia family in each. Also Scotlandia, home of the Scottish folding cats!
    pee ess...yer killin' me.
    XXOO Katie Isabella

    1. My Momma could use some of those Scottish folding cats. She's too lazy to fold her own laundry! ~Bear Cat

  9. Bear, did you know that we look at Canadia every day????

    1. You're the first line of defense! We know from your posts that you get a lot of Canadian Geese there too!

  10. Bear, you could earn some money for tasty whole chicken by starting a distance learning school.

  11. Such a long and interesting conversation! Good job Bear Cat!

    1. Thank you for stopping by [and recognizing my brilliance!]. ~Bear Cat

  12. Ok dissing the German chocolate cake. Not no how, not no way. And I'd be careful about disparaging our neighbors to the north. They pay a rough game of hockey up there and you don't want to be boarded.

    1. I hear they do a lot of checking ... though I'm not sure what that means?! ~Bear Cat

  13. Mom and Dad have one of those igloos in the garage. It's not full of penguins or Canadians. It's full of all kinds of miscellaneous camping stuffs that they haven't used in years. I think I should have a rummage sale and send the proceeds to you, Bear, as an investment in your Tasty Whole Chicken (or Whole Penguins) Ranch. Tee hee hee. Winks.

    1. I LOVE your idea! A DUAL tasty whole chicken and tasty whole penguin ranch! Maybe some emus or ostriches? A FLIGHTLESS BIRD ranch! ~Bear Cat

  14. Someone planned a successful distraction for Momma there!! But who was it really?

  15. Um, we like hockey, too. Shhh ... we may be sleeper agents, and we didn't even know!

    1. Don't worry. Bear sleeps a lot and he doesn't even realize he's been asleep! He wakes up four hours later and thinks only a minute has passed! Erm ... Momma says that's not what you meant. Oops. ~Ellie Mae

  16. Yep, we're short and anybody gives us trouble....out go the penguins to defend us.

    You are both funny kits.


    1. I've heard size doesn't matter ... just how you use it. Look at us cats! We've bent the much bigger humans to our will for centuries! ~Bear Cat

  17. OMC I don't know if I can remember everything what you just taught us, BearCat, but we have a little Canadians in our Country too, they must have flown over😺😸Pawkisses for a Happy Weekend to all of you🐾😽💞

    1. Those geese are trouble! They lure people into thinking they're cute ... ~Bear Cat

  18. Oh my whiskers Bear,
    We are freaking out. Do you know we live only 60 miles south of Canadia and Oliver and Lily and I are worried about those Canadians coming and invading. Do you have any tips for feline preppers? How does one protect oneself from hockey? We can't believe The Female Human hasn't done anything to protect us from this impending invasion.
    Your nervous friend,

    1. Well, the invasion shouldn't start until around July 4th next year ... so you've got months to prepare. I suspect turning the Canadian Geese to our side might be the key! Perhaps all that time my Momma spends gaga-ing at the goslings can be useful with some bird seed ... ~Bear Cat


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